Not a bad idea

Give them a simple process to follow...

In our R&D department, persons are required to request the use of any IP addresses for testing before configuring their device with it. Normally this is a straightforward process of ensuring nobody else is using the desired address. Of course some people around here like to re-define normal!

The following is an email conversation I saw earlier today: [I have assigned random names to protect the guilty]

***********************
>From: Stephan
>Subject: IP 192.168.1.153
This is an email requesting the official use of 192.168.1.153 for SNMP test.

Please direct me to the proper place where I can use/buy this address for testing.

Thank you for your help.

***********************
>From: Al H.
>Subject: RE: IP 192.168.1.153
Hi...

Congratulations! You are the proud new owner of an IP address, 192.168.1.153 .

Accounting has been notified, and payment will be via payroll deduction. Please keep your receipt for exchange/refund/tax purposes.

***********************
>From: Stephan
>Subject: RE: IP 192.168.1.153

What kind of negotiation is that? Forwarding that request off to payroll. Is it kinda of like "you touch it you bought it?" You haven't even heard my bid price for it. I was hoping to get this one cheap. I have been testing it out, and it appears to ping slower than the other ones you gave me. I think it is fairly used and I was wondering what type of a warranty comes with it? Also, what is the trade in value of the other IP's I have, out of curiosity, if I should no longer need them.

Thanks

***********************
>From: Al H.
>Subject: RE: IP 192.168.1.153

Hi...

I don't remember using the word 'negotiation'... Your original email did not specify an offered price, only a willingness to 'use/buy' the address - and this aint no library kid! This is big business!! By using the address already, you've implicitly agreed to the purchase/usage agreement, which explicitly states that exchanges and refunds will only be considered before additional usage takes place.

That address was previously owned by a little old lady who only downloaded bondage .gifs on Sundays, so it had low milage, and besides - it worked *just fine* before you started using it.

We're in the business of providing IP addresses, not buying them, so if *you* don't want your IP addresses anymore, you can check with your co-workers to see if they want to buy it from you - but I'll warn you up front, the resale value on them isn't great!

***********************
>From: Stephan
>Subject: RE: IP 192.168.1.153

Al H.,

It seems that you have now further devalued the worth of 192.168.1.153 by attaching a dirty porn reference to it and passing it around the email group (and you said it was hardly USED). This should be further cause to dicount this one, not to mention the fact that it isn't even a full ip address. Next time i'll apply for a broadcast address, or at least one that contains bits closer to 255.

***********************
>From the Law Firm of Dewey, Cheatham and Howe:

Dear Sir;
My client wishes to inform you that pursuant to the transaction that has occurred between yourself and my client, my client has fulfilled all aspects of the purchase/usage agreement by providing you with the address you requested, in a timely fashion, which you implicitly agreed to by using said address. At that point, you (the purchasor and new owner of said address) became completely and wholly responsible for said address as well as all references and usages of said address, and discussions regarding said address. My client is no longer responsible for, nor will he accept any further responsibility for any problems with said address. It was delivered when requested - as requested. It was your (the purchasor) responsibility to verify the pedigree and suitability of said address before the transaction was entered into.

Your claim that "it isn't even a full ip address" is incorrect (as can be confirmed by any approved regulatory agency), and borders on libelous. Trust us, we know, we're lawyers.

***********************
> From the law firm of Hewey, Duwey, and Lewey:

Dir Sir;

Pursuant to your recent transaction and email exchange with our client we have been contracted to represent Stephan in the matter of "Stephan vs Al H.." Although we have been given full authority to pursue this matter in a court of law, we feel that you will see the benefits of reaching a settlement agreement which is satifactory to all parties concerned.

To assist in clarifying your current situation in this matter, we submit the documents attached below for your review. As you will note, sufficient evidence is present for a judgement in the favor of our client.

[Document 09453B-1999-06-02]

To whom it may concern:

I feel that I must come to the defense of Stephan in this blatant example of "Used Car Saleman Syndrome" which Al H. has fell victum too.

Reportedly the IP address in question is to be considered to be in "good working condition" where infact I have evidence to the contrary! A simple search of the Software Problem Database will return numerous examples of cases where this specific address has been subjected to a variety of abusive tests; including subnet masking, ICMP redirects, network unreachables and other torturous proceedures.

In a few documented cases it even states that the device configured with the IP address 198.169.1.153 would not respond to pings, telnets, or any other form of IP based queries. This further supports Stephan's case that the requested IP address can not be considered to be in good working order.

[source unpublished at this time]


[Document 08453C-1999-05-15]

MEMORANDUM
>From: Office of R&D Internal Affairs.
To: [source unpublished at this time]

Dear Sir,

With respect to your request for a background check on one Al H., regarding past and present IP address transactions, please be aware that this individual is under current investigation for IP Address Fraud. An transactions entered into with this individual should be approached with EXTREME CAUTION.

With regard to your question as to the integrity of Al H., interviews with several co-workers have uncovered facts which indicate that he is the Boss of the local IP address black market. Reviews of log books has shown repeated resale of the same addresses. Inspection of the local intranet web site has shown how Al H. controls IP address and assigns them to co-workers in return for "special favors."

In your request you mention Al H.'s suggestion that the addresses have little or know resale value. This office believes that this is simply an attempt by Al H. to re-gain control of abandoned addresses so as to benefit from their resale to future unsuspecting clients.

I would suggest that you immediately contact the local R&D Consumer Protection branch before any monies is transferred.

-----

Regarding the question of the validity of the claim "it isn't even a full ip address" as presented in the letter from your legal representative:

Please note that the mentioned approved regulatory agency also states that a full valid IP address must include a subnet mask! Failure on your part to provide this required information in the afore mentioned transaction with our client provides the basis for Breach of Contract as per Article 2.01 "Genuine Intention" under the Contractual Law Act.

Lastly we must inform you that we are currently pursing a Court Injuction to prevent an futher transaction of the afore mentioned type until this issue is settled to our clients satisfactions.

Regards,

***********************

To the law firm of Hewey, Duwey, and Lewey:

My client suggests that a law firm with your professed reputation would be able to afford not only a spell-checker, but also a clue-checker.

Please provide concrete examples of the test documents you refer to, or the *shoe* will be on the other foot in terms of liability, and your 'organization' *will be swimming* in stacks of legal red-tape. Our organization has successfully represented many groups, including one from Marine Land known only as *the fishes*.

Let me dummy it down a notch for you: We successfully represented New York's 'Teflon Don' until he refused to pay his bill, at which point he was reminded that non-stick items should not come into contact with sharp metal objects.

Pursuant to your obviously mis-informed arguments regarding this matter, and your libelous characterization of my client, I'm reminded of the case of 'My Uncle Vinny's Foot Vs Your Butt'.

Ode to a Spellchecker

I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks eye can knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it.
You sure reel glad two no
Its vary polished in it's weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a bless sing.
It freeze yew lodes of thymes.
It helps me right awl stiles two reeds,
And aides me when aye rime.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud.And wee mussed
dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know faults with in my cite.
Of none eye am a wear.

Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed to be a joule.
The checker poured oar every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

That's why aye brake in two averse
By righting wants two pleas.
Sow now ewe sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear for pea seas!

Microsoft Announces Improved "Blue Screen of Death" (BSOD)

In a surprise announcement today, Microsoft President Steve Ballmer revealed that the Redmond-based company will allow computer resellers and end users to customize the appearance of the Blue Screen of Death (abbreviated BSOD), the screen that displays when the Windows operating system crashes.

The move comes as the result of numerous focus groups and customer surveys done by Microsoft. Thousands of Microsoft customers were asked, "What do you spend the most time doing on your computer?" A surprising number of respondents said, "Staring at a Blue Screen of Death." At 54 percent, it was the top answer, beating the second-place answer "Downloading Pornography" by an easy 12 points.

"We immediately recognized this as a great opportunity for ourselves, our channel partners, and especially our customers." explained the excited Ballmer to a room full of reporters.

Immense video displays were used to show images of the new customizable BSOD screen side-by-side with the older static version. Users can select from a collection of "BSOD Themes," allowing them to instead have a Mauve Screen of Death or even a Paisley Screen of Death. Graphics and multimedia content can now be incorporated into the screen, making the BSOD the perfect conduit for delivering product information and entertainment to Windows users.

The Blue Screen of Death is by far the most recognized feature of the Windows(TM) operating system, and as a result, Microsoft has historically insisted on total control over its look and feel. This recent departure from that policy reflects Microsoft's recognition of the Windows desktop itself as the "ultimate information portal." By default, the new BSOD will be configured to show a random selection of
Microsoft product information whenever the system crashes. Microsoft channel partners can negotiate with Microsoft for the right to customize the BSOD on systems they ship.

Major computer resellers such as Compaq, Gateway, and Dell are already lining up for premier placement on the new and improved BSOD.

Ballmer concluded by getting a dig in against the Open Source community. "This just goes to show that Microsoft continues to innovate at a much faster pace than open source. I have yet to see any evidence that Linux or OpenBSD even have a BSOD, let alone a customizable one."

The Programmer's Drinking Song

99 little bugs in the code
99 bugs in the code,
fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code.....
(Repeat until BUGS = 0)

New Element Discovered

Investigators at a major US research university recently discovered the heaviest element known to science. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. It is also surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally have occurred in less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion to the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, an Administratium sample's mass actually INCREASES over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that perhaps Administratium is spontaneously formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "critical morass".

The Internet Primer

1. How big is the Internet? When did it start? How did it grow?

The Internet is actually much smaller than most people think. It is primarily composed of fiber optic cables no thicker than a human hair, which can be conveniently rolled up and stored in a foot locker. Janitors at the National Science Foundation do this on the third Tuesday of every month when they wax the floors. Since fiber optics are the size of human hairs, they also make attractive wigs. The next time you watch a Sprint commercial, look closely and you'll see that Candice Bergen's alleged hair is really the T4 backbone.

The earliest origins of the Internet can be traced to Ancient Greece, where a loosely connected set of networks was used to discuss exploration in the Black Sea. The Argonets, as they were then called, were entirely subsidized by the government, and won one of William Proxmire's first Golden Fleece awards.

The Internet grows hyperbolically, but is usually described elliptically.

2. Who owns the Internet?

There is no one person or agency that owns the Internet. Instead, parts of it are owned by Toshiba and parts are owned by Free Masons.

3. What do the Internet addresses mean?

Precise meanings are often hard to determine. The address baker.lib.washington.edu--which is sometimes written baker@lib.washington.edu--seems to refer to a computer either owned by a baker or by someone named Baker. This can be deceiving however; names like this actually refer to where a computer is located. This one is on top of Mt. Baker.

In addition to names, computers on the Internet also have numbers. This is part of that whole right brain/left brain thing.

4. Tell me how to get on and off various lists and discussion groups.

Getting off on various lists is currently the subject of pending legislation.

5. What is "Netiquette?"

"Netiquette" is one of many cutesy neologisms created by combining two other words. In this case, "network" and "tourniquette" combine to describe a program that shuts down a computer if it starts transmitting information too fast.

6. What is "Flaming?"

Along with an improvisational approach to floating point arithmetic, early Pentium chips were noted for generating heat. While some hackers speak fondly of roasting marshmallows over their first P60s, others found themselves badly singed as the chips caught fire. This "flaming" sometimes occurred while the user was composing e-mail, resulting in poorly chosen or excessively vitriolic verbiage.

7. What is "Bandwidth?"

As capacity on the Internet has increased, people have begun to transmit material other than simple text. One notable example is audio recordings of rock concerts. These audio files are much larger than even very long books, so they have become a standard unit of network usage. One Rolling Stone song equals one "band" width, and so on.

8. Why can't I FTP to some places?

There are two main reasons for this. The first is that the site you want to ftp files from is exercising a certain degree of control over its network resources; in network parlance, this is called "fascism." The second reason is that the remote site may be dabbling with such network fads as Gopher or the World Wide Web. This is called "keeping up with the times."

9. What is the World Wide Web, Gopherspace, etc?

The World Wide Web, or WWW, is an experiment in generating acronyms that are much more difficult to pronounce than the words they replace. Gopherspace is an older network term. In response to the Soviet space program's early use of dogs in space, NASA mounted a program to orbit a number of different rodents. The programmers involved in this project adopted the motto "Gophers in space!" which has since been shortened. The only actual gopher to go into orbit had been digging up the carrots in
Werner Von Braun's garden, and was named Veronica after his daughter.

10. Why can't I get some WWW stuff via FTP?

It can be hard to say this, but some users of the Internet are unable to do things because they are stupid. The comparatively trivial task of getting an ftp client to do every single thing a WWW browser can do is beneath this column's attention.

Episode I Press Release

WASHINGTON, DC--Citing "America's unprecedented prosperity and stability" and "this one part where this ship is underwater and this sea-monster thing tries to eat it," Bill Clinton became the first U.S. president to take a leave of absence Tuesday, temporarily stepping down to wait in line for the May 19 opening of Star Wars: Episode I--The Phantom Menace.

"My fellow Americans, like so many of you, I am extremely eager to see the next chapter in the greatest movie series in the history of mankind,"

Clinton, sporting a limited-edition IG-88 tie clip, said during a White House press conference. "And, as president of the nation that has produced these movies, I am fully committed to being at that very first showing, even if it means missing almost four weeks of work."

Added Clinton: "There are these droids in Phantom Menace that look like giant orbs, but then they unfold like Transformers and fight. And Darth Maul has this light saber that's double-bladed. It's going to be so incredible."

Clinton began waiting in line with "Joe," a friend who owns The Sarlacc Pit, a comic-book store in downtown D.C. "Joe is the only person who can beat me at Star Wars Trivial Pursuit. He knows the English lyrics to 'Lapti Nek.' He was also the one who told me that Uncle Owen is really Obi-Wan's brother, which came as quite a surprise, because, like most people, I had always assumed that Owen
was Anakin's brother. I did, however, inform Joe that Bruce Boa, the actor who played General Rieekan, also played the guy on Fawlty Towers who wanted the Waldorf salad. Joe did not know that."

Clinton arrived at the theater at 11:38 a.m. Tuesday, becoming the 17th person in line. But by 2 p.m., he had maneuvered his way to sixth by winning a series of Star Wars Collectible Card Game
tournaments and trivia challenges.

"This one guy tried to beat me by asking Hammerhead's real name. Can you believe it? As if I'd never read Tales From The Mos Eisley Cantina, even if I wasn't into the role-playing game. I knew he
was a rube when he asked that, so I went in for the kill by asking him the name of the Rodian in the Star Wars Holiday Special."

"Of course," Clinton continued, "Hammerhead is Momaw Nadon, and the Rodian was Ludlo." The president then excused himself to join a group sing-along of "Weird Al" Yankovic's "Yoda."

Despite being confined to one spot for the next month, Clinton said he expects to have plenty of activities to pass the time. "Joe and I are trying to organize a thing where we divide up parts and re-enact all the movies, except we both want to be Han. I think I should get to be Han because I am the leader of the free world, but if that becomes a deal-breaker, I would likely be willing to compromise."

Presidential aides have also been instructed to supply Clinton with magazine articles concerning Episode I as they become available, as well as deliver, immediately upon publication, the final installment of the four-issue Dark Horse Comics miniseries Boba Fett: Enemy Of The Empire.

"Issue three ended just as Fett and Vader were about to start fighting," Clinton said. "They both want this alien head in a box that can tell the future, and the moment Fett finally gets it, Vader
appears. Obviously, it's not going to be a fight to the death, because the whole story takes place prior to the trilogy, but it's still sure to be a great fight."

Clinton said he hopes to see Phantom Menace at least 20 times between May 19 and May 23, then return to office on the 24th, when he will scale back to once-a-day screenings. The president also noted that during his extended absence from the White House, he will be available in the event of an emergency.

"Should a major crisis arise, whether regarding the situation in Kosovo or anywhere else, I can be reached at my place in line by cell phone," Clinton said. "But I have urged my advisors only to
contact me if absolutely necessary. I would also urge Serbian president Slobodan Milosevic to follow the example of the Jedi Knights and use his powers only for knowledge and defense, never for attack."

Added Clinton: "Wars not make one great."

Clinton, a die-hard Star Wars fan ever since the 1977 release of the original, has rarely disrupted his official duties for Star Wars-related activities. Notable exceptions include a May 1983 hiatus from the Arkansas governorship to see Return Of The Jedi on its opening day and a 1995 trip to an Arlington, VA, Star Wars convention to obtain the autographs of actors Anthony Daniels, Jeremy Bulloch and Femi Taylor, as well as Jedi Academy trilogy author Kevin J. Anderson.

Clinton is also believed to have the largest collection of Star Wars merchandise in the entire executive branch.

"I have the Death Star Space Station minus one of the cardboard inserts and a piece of the bridge. The spring-loaded part that makes the gun pop up doesn't work very well, but it's still awesome," Clinton told Larry King in a 1997 interview. "I also have almost every action figure, except a few rare ones like Blue Snaggletooth and Yak Face."

Clinton went on to tell King that the infamous "missile-firing Boba Fett" action figure, rumored to have been produced in small quantities by Kenner, never actually reached the consumer, and that the
only such Fetts available are ones made by collectors.

Despite the popularity of Clinton's hiatus within the nation's science-fiction/fantasy community, Republican leaders have roundly denounced the move.

"Clinton was given the trust of a nation and, once again, he has abused that trust, abandoning his post during a time of war. There are more important things for him to be worrying about at this juncture than such trivial concerns," Sen. Arlen Specter (R-PA) said. "Besides, I hate that stupid Jar-Jar. He totally sounds like Elmo."

Specter then sneered in a high-pitched voice, "Oooh, people gonna die?"

Clinton responded swiftly to Specter's criticisms. "I would urge all Americans to withhold judgment on the Jar-Jar issue until they have seen the film. After all, Yoda talked like Grover, and he is one of the great characters in the Star Wars pantheon," Clinton's aid. "As long as Phantom Menace doesn't have those stupid teddy bears in it, I don't care."

"I've been waiting 16 years for this movie, and now it's almost here," Clinton said. "I can't believe it. I'm so excited, I feel like I could make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs."

The Balloonist and the Bystander

To all fellow engineers - A fitting tale of our lives.....

A man flying in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced height and spotted a man down below. He descended a bit further and shouted,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below responded, "You must be a manager."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you are going.

You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

VI Man?

I feel like such a nerd...

The Infinite Monkey Protocol Suite (IMPS)

An April Fool's joke - The RFC for the Infinite Monkey Protocol Suite (IMPS)

Please find the RFC at this location

Some interesting theories

A contest was held for people to submit their theories on ANY subject.

Below are the winners:

4th RUNNER-UP (Subject: Probability Theory)
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.

3rd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Bio-Mechanics)
Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out.

2nd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Symbolic Logic)
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate.

1st RUNNER-UP (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics)
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

HONORABLE MENTION (Subject: Linguistics)
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks his cah," the lost R's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl" wells.

GRAND PRIZE WINNER (Subject: Perpetual Motion)
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. It was proposed to strap giant slabs of hot buttered toast to the back of a hundred tethered cats;the two opposing forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above the ground. Using the giant buttered toast/cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

Physics Final

A thermodynamics professor wrote a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.

Most of the students wrote their proofs using Boyle's Law -- gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed -- or some variant thereof. One student, however, wrote:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. Therefore, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and rate they are leaving. I think we can safely assume that once a soul goes to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, well, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can predict that all people and all souls will go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. Thus, we are left with two possibilities:

1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2)Of course, if Hell is expanding at a faster rate than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my freshman year, i.e., "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

The student received the only A.

The Life of a Computer Science Major - Author Unknown

Ask anyone who has stayed awake for thirty-seven hours consuming nothing but
Coke and Snickers bars and staring into a green CRT screen, if there is
anything glamorous about the world of computer programming. Look deep into
his bloodshot eyes, and try to detect any signs of joy among the red
streaks. Then, just for kicks, ask him why he does what he does, despite all
the pain it's causing. The most positive answer you'll get is, ``it feels so
good when it stops.''

Although computer sciences majors come in all sizes and shapes, each
possesses that essential ``nerd'' quality which led us to declare the major
in the first place. Some of us, the stragglers, are only part time nerds.
Unfortunately, over the past three years, an alarming number of lifers,
full-time nerds, have appeared. These are the really scary people who hang
around the terminal room regularly, with absolutely no purpose for being
there. People who'd rather sit around hacking on a Saturday evening than
lying stuporously drunk in one of the Dellys, or sleeping. This specialized
breed of computer nerds, affectionately known as the Computer Nazis, becomes
an increasingly large organization every semester. No one knows exactly
where they come from, since no one has ever seen a Nazi outside of the
computer center. Similarly, no one has ever tried to find one, either.

The leader of the Williamsburg Nazis, it seems, is a large Arabic slob we
shall call Abdul. Abdul typifies the model Nazi. Granted, he's not quite as
dweebish looking as you'd expect, yet somehow you know that he's not the
kind of guy you'd invite to dinner. He's loud, he's self-righteous, and he
can tell you anything about the computer system you'd never want to know.
Below Abdul are his Seargeants at Arms, Jeff and Andy. Though not quite as
loud as their leader, both possess voices which will rise above all others
at large gatherings. Jeff has a lisp and Andy is annoyingly nasal; everyone
in the department can imitate his favorite Nazi. Somehow, they're always in
your class. And today is no exception.

Larry, the instructor wanders in, dumps several folders on his podium, and
smiles at the class. Attendance is good today, for the first time since the
beginning of the semester. Ah yes. Today he is to hand out the specs for the
final program, an event not to be missed. Floating among the seemingly
carefree students is a definite air of uneasiness; a combination of hope,
anticipation, and dread. He passes out the assignment, announcing that he
will take questions regarding the program during the next class meeting.

Simultaneously, two hands shoot up in the front row. Apparently, Abdul and
Andy, the ``Sunshine Boys'', have questions which can't wait two days.
You've got to hand it to these guys. They're fast readers, and seem to zero
in on ambiguous phrases and logical errors in the description even before
the entire class has received the document. This time they've even caught
the instructor off guard with their rapid fire analysis of his instructions.
You can tell that Larry really wants to tell them off, but remembers his own
Nazi days.

Two days go by. It's Question Day. Again, Abdul and Andy have the floor.
Seems that the instructor's skeleton for the program didn't work for some
obscure test case, and caused their respective programs to bomb. Larry
apologizes to Abdul, and makes a few witty comments to Andy. Most of the
class stares in amazement with the patented Computer Science ``Holy Shit''
expression hanging off of their faces. Have these two guys actually finished
the assignment already? We haven't had the thing for forty-eight hours yet.
Hell, I don't even remember where I put my specs sheet.

Two weeks have passed. Monday morning. The project is due on Wednesday.
Questions are finally rolling in from people other than the Sunshine Boys. A
certain anxiety begins to well up in the stomach as the deadline approaches.
Serious doubts about finishing the program in time arise. Larry, ever the
entertainer, mentions that ``If you haven't started the project yet, you'll
never get it done.'' He means it, too. That night, the stragglers tackle the
machine for the first time in weeks, trying to make some sort of headway, or
at least translate the problem at hand.

There are two mutually exclusive techniques that are used in the early
stages of programming: The Software Engineering method, and the ever-popular
Brute Force strategy. Right from the start of our computer careers, we are
told that any problem can be broken down into manageable pieces, and that
these pieces can be linked together to form a logically constructed program;
the method used by Software Engineers. This process is time consuming, yet
incredibly simple. Keep the pieces as small as possible, construct each one
separately, get it to working, and plug it in. ``This method can be applied
to any problem you'll ever have to solve, in the field of computer science,
or in real life situations,'' says the textbook. Sure. If you've got the
time.

Brute Force can similarly be applied to any real life situation, and in the
early stages it's quicker than the Software Engineering method. It's
instinctive, spontaneous, and produces concrete results almost immediately.
Read the problem, get a general idea of where you're headed, and head there.
Start simply, and then build the sucker. If you don't understand something,
ignore it. If it doesn't work, throw it out. Assume you know more about what
you're doing than you actually do. It's kind of like picking a nice living
room set, and building a house around it.

Apparently, Brute Force is the way to go this time around. The first few pot
shots at the problem miss their target completely, but finally pieces begin
to fit together. Granted, there's no central structure here yet, but we've
definitely bought the living room set. And, with a little bit of pushing and
bending of good programming rules, we seem to have built the fireplace and
part of the upstairs bedroom. So far so good. Who says we can't finish this
in two days? Get a printout, go home, have a beer and watch David Letterman.

The Letterman show appears to have been a tactical error. Brute Force has
come to its inevitable halt, and the deadline is tomorrow. Bits and pieces
of the program are working just fine, but the major chunks are still in
shambles. The program has to be finished within the next eighteen hours. We
have not choice but to begin the Caffeine Airlift.

If it weren't for caffeine, many of us computer science majors would have
died back in sophomore year. Sometimes, there just aren't enough waking
hours in the day to accomplish everything that has to be done. The logical
solution is to eliminate some of the sleeping hours, through carefully
measured doses of coffee and Coke. Time release caffeine pills were in
fashion two years ago, but turned out to be entirely too efficient. It's
difficult to concentrate on programming when your body wants to tap dance.
In any shape or form, the Caffeine Airlift has saved us all.

Once the body is properly primed, the work begins. The computer lab
overflows with other desperate individuals, all heavily caffeinated, and all
decked out for the long night ahead. Grab a terminal, and start hacking.
It's comforting to know that everyone else will fail this project with you.
The mood is surprisingly relaxed, and jokes about impending doom begin to
fly.

Ten o'clock. Eleven hours and counting. Condition: guarded but stable. The
three Cokes in your system are making your legs bounce, but you ignore it.
Concentration is the key. The room fills to capacity, and the jokes
continue. Of course no one will finish, but who cares anymore? This is no
longer a project, but a mission. Actually, you've made amazing progress in
the last few hours, but won't admit it to the others. More fun to complain,
isn't it?

Midnight. The Jello Hour. The Jello Principle state that ``no matter what
quick solution you find for a given problem, it will still make you worse
off than you were before.'' Kind of like nailing Jello to a tree. The
temporary solutions look pretty for awhile, but are destined to fail in the
long run. After Jello hour, you get a whole new perspective on life. The
beard begins to appear. The empty Coke cups form a wall along the side of
your work space. You realize that you'll miss Letterman tonight. Short cuts
that simulate important program elements come to mind, are added to the
code, fail, and are discarded. The best rule of thumb is to try something so
unorthodoxly simple, that it could never work. Odds are that it will.

One thirty. You've watched half of your classmates walk out in stuporous
frustration. The die-hards remain, chugging caffeine in lethal dosages and
cursing quietly to themselves. And suddenly, the peaceful torpor of the
terminal lab is shattered by the unexpected arrival of the Nazis. Abdul
strolls in, flips on a terminal, and talks loudly to his partner Jeff across
the room. In the back of your mind, you wonder where Andy is tonight, but
the truth is you don't really care. Abdul is amused that we non-Nazis are
working on the same program they had finished nearly two weeks ago. Jeff
comments, through his speech impediment, that the program was ``trivial.''
Eventually, the Nazis become engrossed in their own work, whatever the hell
they do at two o'clock in the morning. Abdul has found some new way to amuse
himself, and yells for Jeff to come over. Jeff yells back that he's too
busy. Everyone wishes Abdul and Jeff would die painfully.

Finished. It's four AM, and the damn thing is finally in the can. Smile at
the amphetimized corpses as you leave, and wish them luck. The walk home
seems longer tonight. No cars. No birds. No noise. Life seems to have gone
on outside of the computer center. As you hit the bed, you know you're too
wired to fall asleep. It doesn't matter. You've won the game again. As your
body continues its tap dance, you realize that the process is going to start
again on Monday. No problem. Yeah, it's hurts for awhile. But it feels so
good when you stop....

The Pluperfect Virus

A new computer virus is spreading throughout the Internet, and it is far more insidious than the recent Chernobyl menace. Named Strunkenwhite after the authors of a classic guide to good writing, it returns e-mail messages that have grammatical or spelling errors. It is deadly accurate in its detection abilities, unlike the dubious spell checkers that come with word processing programs.

The virus is causing something akin to panic throughout corporate America, which has become used to the typos, misspellings, missing words and mangled syntax so acceptable in cyberspace. The CEO of LoseItAll.com, an Internet startup, said the virus has rendered him helpless. "Each time I tried to send one particular e-mail this morning, I got back this error message: 'Your dependent clause preceding your independent clause must be set off by commas, but one must not precede the conjunction.' I threw my laptop across the room."

A top executive at a telecommunications and long-distance company,
10-10-10-10-10-10-123, said: "This morning, the same damned e-mail kept coming back to me with a pesky notation claiming I needed to use a pronoun's possessive case before a gerund. With the number of e-mails I crank out each day, who has time for proper grammar? Whoever created this virus should have their programming fingers broken."

A broker at Begg, Barow and Steel said he couldn't return to the "bad, old" days when he had to send paper memos in proper English. He speculated that the hacker who created Strunkenwhite was a "disgruntled English major who couldn't make it on a trading floor. When you're buying and selling on margin, I don't think it's anybody's business if I write that 'i meetinged through the morning, then cinched the deal on the cel phone while bareling down the xway.' "

If Strunkenwhite makes e-mailing impossible, it could mean the end to a
communication revolution once hailed as a significant timesaver. A study of 1,254 office workers in Leonia, N.J., found that e-mail increased employees' productivity by 1.8 hours a day because they took less time to formulate their thoughts. (The same study also found that they lost 2.2 hours of productivity because they were e-mailing so many jokes to their spouses, parents and stockbrokers.)

Strunkenwhite is particularly difficult to detect because it doesn't come as an e-mail attachment (which requires the recipient to open it before it becomes active). Instead, it is disguised within the text of an e-mail entitled "Congratulations on your pay raise." The message asks the recipient to "click here to find out about how your raise effects your pension." The use of "effects" rather than the grammatically correct "affects" appears to be an inside joke from trunkenwhite's mischievous creator.

The virus also has left government e-mail systems in disarray. Officials at the Office of Management and Budget can no longer transmit electronic versions of federal regulations because their highly technical language seems to run afoul of Strunkenwhite's dictum that "vigorous writing is concise." The White House speechwriting office reported that it had received the same message, along with a caution to avoid phrases such as "the truth is. . ." and "in fact. . . ."

Home computer users also are reporting snafus, although an e-mailer who used the word "snafu" said she had come to regret it.

The virus can have an even more devastating impact if it infects an entire network. A cable news operation was forced to shut down its computer system for several hours when it discovered that Strunkenwhite had somehow infiltrated its TelePrompTer software, delaying newscasts and leaving news anchors nearly tongue-tied as they wrestled with proper sentence structure.

There is concern among law enforcement officials that Strunkenwhite is a harbinger of the increasingly sophisticated methods hackers are using to exploit the vulnerability of business's reliance on computers. "This is one of the most complex and invasive examples of computer code we have ever encountered. We just can't imagine what kind of devious mind would want to tamper with e-mails to create this burden on communications," said an FBI agent who insisted on speaking via the telephone out of concern that trying to e-mail his comments could leave him tied up for hours.

Meanwhile, bookstores and online booksellers reported a surge in orders for Strunk & White's "The Elements of Style."

And on the Seventh Day...

1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte.
And from those he created the Word.

2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing
else existed. And God separated the One from the
Zero; and he saw it was Good.

3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened.
And God said - Let the Data go to their proper
places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks
and compact disks.

4. And God said - Let the computers be, so there
would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks
and compact disks. Thus God created
computers and called them hardware.

5. And there was no Software yet. But God created
programs; small and big...And told them - Go and
multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.

6. And God said -I will create the Programmer; And
the Programmer will make new programs and govern
over the computers and programs and Data.

7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at
Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the
Catalog Tree and said You can use all the
volumes and sub-volumes but DO NOT USE Windows.

8. And God said - It is not Good for the programmer
to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's
body and created a creature that would
look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer;
and love the things the Programmer does; And God
called the creature: the User.

9. And the Programmer and the User were left under
the naked DOS and it was Good.

10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures
of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really
tell you not to run any programs ?

11. And the User answered - God told us that we can
use every program and every piece of Data but told
us not to run Windows or we will die.

12. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk
about something you did not even try. The moment
you run Windows you will become equal to God.
You will be able to create anything you like by a
simple click of your mouse.

13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows
were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that
any knowledge was useless - since
Windows could replace it.

14. So the User installed the Windows on his
computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good.

15. And the Programmer immediately started to look
for new drivers. And God asked him - What are you
looking for? And the Programmer answered:
" I am looking for new drivers because I can not
find them in the DOS". And God said :" Who told you
need drivers? Did you run Windows?" And the
Programmer said :" It was Bill who told us to !"

16. And God said to Bill - Because of what you did
you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User
will always be unhappy with you. And you
will always sell Windows.

17. And God said to the User - Because of what you
did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all
your Resources; and you will have to use
lousy programs; and you will always rely on the
Programmers help.

18. And God said to the Programmer - Because you
listened to the User you will never be happy. All
your programs will have errors and you will
have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.

19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and
locked the door and secured it with a password:

20. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT

Beware Greeks bearing gifts

From: laocoon@doomgloom.edu
To: hector@studmuffin.com
re: WARNING!! BEWARE GREEKS BEARING GIFTS!

Hey Hector:

This was forwarded to me by Cassandra -- it looks legit. Please distribute to Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings.

Thanks,
Laocoon

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your ENTIRE CITY!

The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two storeys tall.

It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned.

DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children. If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.

Poseidon

From: hector@studmuffin.com
To: laocoon@doomgloom.edu
Re: Greeks bearing gifts

Laocoon,

I hate to break this to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is.

I've seen variants on this warning come through on other listservs, one involving some kind of fruit that was supposed to kill the people who ate it and the usual spam having to do with something called the "Midas Touch."

Here are a few tip-offs that this is a hoax:

1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" crap.

If it were really meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post it to the Phonecians, Sumerians, and Cretans?

2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway. And upper case means shouting in email -- not cool.

3) It's signed "Poseidon." Granted, he's had his problems with Odysseus, but he's one of their guys, isn't he? Besides, the lack of a real header with a detailed address makes me suspicious.

4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite your entire city. A horse is just an animal, after all.

Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I appreciate your concern, but once you've been around the block a couple times you'll realize how annoying this kind of stuff is.

bye now,
Hector