Q: Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq?
A: Because they had weapons of mass destruction honey.
Q: But the inspectors didn't find any weapons of mass destruction.
A: That's because the Iraqis were hiding them.
Q: And that's why we invaded Iraq?
A: Yep. Invasions always work better than inspections.
Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL didn't find any weapons of mass destruction, did we?
A: That's because the weapons are so well hidden. Don't worry, we'll find something, probably right before the 2008 election.
Q: Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass destruction?
A: To use them in a war, silly.
Q: I'm confused. If they had all those weapons that they planned to use in a war, then why didn't they use any of those weapons when we went to war with them?
A: Well, obviously they didn't want anyone to know they had those weapons, so they chose to die by the thousands rather than defend themselves.
Q: That doesn't make sense Daddy. Why would they choose to die if they had all those big weapons to fight us back with?
A: It's a different culture. It's not supposed to make sense.
Q: I don't know about you, but I don't think they had any of those weapons our government said they did.
A: Well, you know, it doesn't matter whether or not they had those weapons. We had another good reason to invade them anyway.
Q: And what was that?
A: Even if Iraq didn't have weapons of mass destruction, Saddam Hussein was a cruel dictator, which is another good reason to invade another country.
Q: Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it OK to invade his country?
A: Well, for one thing, he tortured his own people.
Q: Kind of like what they do in China?
A: Don't go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good economic competitor, where millions of people work for slave wages in sweatshops to make U.S. corporations richer.
Q: So if a country lets its people be exploited for American corporate gain, it's a good country, even if that country tortures people?
A: Right.
Q: Why were people in Iraq being tortured?
A: For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the government. People who criticized the government in Iraq were sent to prison and tortured.
Q: Isn't that exactly what happens in China?
A: I told you, China is different.
Q: What's the difference between China and Iraq?
A: Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the Ba'ath party, while China is Communist.
Q: Didn't you once tell me Communists were bad?
A: No, just Cuban Communists are bad.
Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad?
A: Well, for one thing, people who criticize the government in Cuba are sent to prison and tortured.
Q: Like in Iraq?
A: Exactly.
Q: And like in China, too?
A: I told you, China's a good economic competitor. Cuba, on the other hand, is not.
Q: How come Cuba isn't a good economic competitor?
A: Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, our government passed some laws that made it illegal for Americans to trade or do any business with Cuba until they stopped being communists and started being capitalists like us.
Q: But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade with Cuba, and started doing business with them, wouldn't that help the Cubans become capitalists?
A: Don't be a smart-ass.
Q: I didn't think I was being one.
A: Well, anyway, they also don't have freedom of religion in Cuba.
Q: Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement?
A: I told you, stop saying bad things about China. Anyway, Saddam Hussein came to power through a military coup, so he's not really a legitimate leader anyway.
Q: What's a military coup?
A: That's when a military general takes over the government of a country by force, instead of holding free elections like we do in the United States.
Q: Didn't the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a military coup?
A: You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he did, but Pakistan is our friend.
Q: Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is illegitimate?
A: I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate.
Q: Didn't you just say a military general who comes to power by forcibly overthrowing the legitimate government of a nation is an illegitimate leader?
A: Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our friend, because he helped us invade Afghanistan.
Q: Why did we invade Afghanistan?
A: Because of what they did to us on September 11th.
Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on September 11th?
A: Well, on September 11th, nineteen men, fifteen of them Saudi Arabians, hijacked four airplanes and flew three of them into buildings, killing over 3,000 Americans.
Q: So how did Afghanistan figure into all that?
A: Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under the oppressive rule of the Taliban.
Q: Aren't the Taliban those bad radical Islamics who chopped off people's heads and hands?
A: Yes, that's exactly who they were. Not only did they chop off people's heads and hands, but they oppressed women, too.
Q: Didn't the Bush administration give the Taliban 43 million dollars back in May of 2001?
A: Yes, but that money was a reward because they did such a good job fighting drugs.
Q: Fighting drugs?
A: Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping people from growing opium poppies.
Q: How did they do such a good job?
A: Simple. If people were caught growing opium poppies, the Taliban would have their hands and heads cut off.
Q: So, when the Taliban cut off people's heads and hands for growing flowers, that was OK, but not if they cut people's heads and hands off for other reasons?
A: Yes. It's OK with us if radical Islamic fundamentalists cut off people's hands for growing flowers, but it's cruel if they cut off people's hands for stealing bread.
Q: Don't they also cut off people's hands and heads in Saudi Arabia?
A: That's different. Afghanistan was ruled by a tyrannical patriarchy that oppressed women and forced them to wear burqas whenever they were in public, with death by stoning as the penalty for women who did not comply.
Q: Don't Saudi women have to wear burqas in public, too?
A: No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic body covering.
Q: What's the difference?
A: The traditional Islamic covering worn by Saudi women is a modest yet fashionable garment that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers. The burqa, on the other hand, is an evil tool of patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers.
Q: It sounds like the same thing with a different name.
A: Now, don't go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. The Saudis are our friends.
Q: But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on September 11th were from Saudi Arabia.
A: Yes, but they trained in Afghanistan.
Q: Who trained them?
A: A very bad man named Osama bin Laden.
Q: Was he from Afghanistan?
A: Uh, no, he was from Saudi Arabia too. But he was a bad man, a very bad man.
Q: I seem to recall he was our friend once.
A: Only when we helped him and the mujahadeen repel the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980s.
Q: Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist Empire Ronald Reagan talked about?
A: There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke up in 1990 or thereabouts, and now they have elections and capitalism like us. We call them Russians now.
Q: So the Soviets ? I mean, the Russians ? are now our friends?
A: Well, not really. You see, they were our friends for many years after they stopped being Soviets, but then they decided not to support our invasion of Iraq, so we're mad at them now. We're also mad at the French and the Germans because they didn't help us invade Iraq either.
Q: So the French and Germans are evil, too?
A: Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that we had to rename French fries and French toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast.
Q: Do we always rename foods whenever another country doesn't do what we want them to do?
A: No, we just do that to our friends. Our enemies, we invade.
Q: But wasn't Iraq one of our friends back in the 1980s?
A: Well, yeah. For a while.
Q: Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then?
A: Yes, but at the time he was fighting against Iran, which made him our friend, temporarily.
Q: Why did that make him our friend?
A: Because at that time, Iran was our enemy.
Q: Isn't that when he gassed the Kurds?
A: Yeah, but since he was fighting against Iran at the time, we looked the other way, to show him we were his friend.
Q: So anyone who fights against one of our enemies automatically becomes our friend?
A: Most of the time, yes.
Q: And anyone who fights against one of our friends is automatically an enemy?
A: Sometimes that's true, too. However, if American corporations can profit by selling weapons to both sides at the same time, all the better.
Q: Why?
A: Because war is good for the economy, which means war is good for America Also, since God is on America's side, anyone who opposes war is a godless un-American Communist. Do you understand now why we attacked Iraq?
Q: I think so. We attacked them because God wanted us to, right?
A: Yes.
Q: But how did we know God wanted us to attack Iraq?
A: Well, you see, God personally speaks to George W. Bush and tells him what to do.
Q: So basically, what you're saying is that we attacked Iraq because George W. Bush hears voices in his head?
A: Yes! You finally understand how the world works. Now close your eyes, make yourself comfortable, and go to sleep. Good night.
Showing posts with label Wacky. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Wacky. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Funny advertising sites
The Internet is fast becoming littered with the semi-active hilarious remnants of various Web campaigns.
Burger King's Subservient Chicken featured a guy in a chicken outfit responding to typed commands and has arguably become the granddaddy of the genre since launching in April 2004. It remains active here.
Another long-lived and risqué effort comes from Philips Electronics, which used a mention on Howard Stern's Sirius Satellite Radio show to launch a ribald website that aimed to hawk body-hair shavers for men. The site featured a smirking guy clad only in a bathrobe, telling viewers about the company's Bodygroom shaver while pictures of fruits and vegetables popped onscreen to help describe sensitive parts of the male anatomy. You can find this funny site here
Burger King's Subservient Chicken featured a guy in a chicken outfit responding to typed commands and has arguably become the granddaddy of the genre since launching in April 2004. It remains active here.
Another long-lived and risqué effort comes from Philips Electronics, which used a mention on Howard Stern's Sirius Satellite Radio show to launch a ribald website that aimed to hawk body-hair shavers for men. The site featured a smirking guy clad only in a bathrobe, telling viewers about the company's Bodygroom shaver while pictures of fruits and vegetables popped onscreen to help describe sensitive parts of the male anatomy. You can find this funny site here
Monday, February 16, 2009
Tandem Writing Assignment
A supposed assignment actually turned in by two English students:
Rebecca and Gary
English 44A
Creative Writing
Prof Miller
In-class Assignment for Wednesday
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.
* * * * * *
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit overSkylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers ofSkylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth — when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she has less than10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
You stupid a$$hole!
F**king B%&#h!
Rebecca and Gary
English 44A
Creative Writing
Prof Miller
In-class Assignment for Wednesday
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.
* * * * * *
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of
Little did she know, but she has less than
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
You stupid a$$hole!
F**king B%&#h!
Bad Analogies
From Douglas Grant Style Invitational Report from Week 120: (from the Washington Post, July 23, 1995), in which readers were asked to come up with bad analogies. The results were great, though it should be pointed out that there is a fine line between an analogy that is so bad it is good and an analogy that is so good it is bad. See what we mean.
4th Runner-Up:
Oooo, he smells bad, she thought, as bad as Calvin Klein's Obsession would smell if it were called Enema and was made from spoiled Spamburgers instead of natural floral fragrances. (Jennifer Frank, Washington, and Jimmy Pontzer, Sterling)
3rd Runner-Up:
The baseball player stepped out of the box and spit like a fountain statue of a Greek god that scratches itself a lot and spits brown, rusty tobacco water and refuses to sign autographs for all the little Greek kids unless they pay him lots of drachmas. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
2nd Runner-Up:
I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don't speak German. Anyway, it's a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don't know the name for those either. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)
1st Runner-Up:
She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that you can't sing worth a damn. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
And the winner of the framed Scarlet Fever sign:
His fountain pen was so expensive it looked as if someone had grabbed the pope, turned him upside down and started writing with the tip of his big pointy hat. (Jeffrey Carl, Richmond)
Honorable Mentions:
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington)
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid>55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quid>aaakk/ch@ung by mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. (Jennifer Frank and Jimmy Pontzer, Washington and Sterling)
After sending in my entries for the Style Invitational, I feel relieved and apprehensive, like a little boy who has just wet his bed. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)
4th Runner-Up:
Oooo, he smells bad, she thought, as bad as Calvin Klein's Obsession would smell if it were called Enema and was made from spoiled Spamburgers instead of natural floral fragrances. (Jennifer Frank, Washington, and Jimmy Pontzer, Sterling)
3rd Runner-Up:
The baseball player stepped out of the box and spit like a fountain statue of a Greek god that scratches itself a lot and spits brown, rusty tobacco water and refuses to sign autographs for all the little Greek kids unless they pay him lots of drachmas. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
2nd Runner-Up:
I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don't speak German. Anyway, it's a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don't know the name for those either. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)
1st Runner-Up:
She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that you can't sing worth a damn. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
And the winner of the framed Scarlet Fever sign:
His fountain pen was so expensive it looked as if someone had grabbed the pope, turned him upside down and started writing with the tip of his big pointy hat. (Jeffrey Carl, Richmond)
Honorable Mentions:
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington)
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid>55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quid>aaakk/ch@ung by mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. (Jennifer Frank and Jimmy Pontzer, Washington and Sterling)
After sending in my entries for the Style Invitational, I feel relieved and apprehensive, like a little boy who has just wet his bed. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Nice Leave Applications
See how people write leave Applications. It's murder of English language. But Too Funny. Just Read It.
The Leave Applications ;-)
Infosys, Bangalore
An employee applied for leave as follows:
"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife , please sanction me one-week leave."
Oracle Bangalore
From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:
"As I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days."
Another gem from CDAC
Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave."
H.A.L. Administration Department
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."
Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
An incident of a leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."
A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining , please grant me leave for the day."
Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."
Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above , please refer to my below..."
Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home, I may be granted leave."
Letter writing:
"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."
A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'. As I am both(!!) for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.
The Leave Applications ;-)
Infosys, Bangalore
An employee applied for leave as follows:
"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife , please sanction me one-week leave."
Oracle Bangalore
From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:
"As I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days."
Another gem from CDAC
Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave."
H.A.L. Administration Department
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."
Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
An incident of a leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."
A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining , please grant me leave for the day."
Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."
Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above , please refer to my below..."
Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home, I may be granted leave."
Letter writing:
"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."
A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'. As I am both(!!) for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.
Friday, February 06, 2009
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Pigeonrank - The technology behind Google's great results
Check this April Fool's spoof on PageRank by Google at this location
Abstract from the site
As a Google user, you're familiar with the speed and accuracy of a Google search. How exactly does Google manage to find the right results for every query as quickly as it does? The heart of Google's search technology is PigeonRank™, a system for ranking web pages developed by Google founders Larry Page and Sergey Brin at Stanford University.
Building upon the breakthrough work of B. F. Skinner, Page and Brin reasoned that low cost pigeon clusters (PCs) could be used to compute the relative value of web pages faster than human editors or machine-based algorithms. And while Google has dozens of engineers working to improve every aspect of our service on a daily basis, PigeonRank continues to provide the basis for all of our web search tools
Abstract from the site
As a Google user, you're familiar with the speed and accuracy of a Google search. How exactly does Google manage to find the right results for every query as quickly as it does? The heart of Google's search technology is PigeonRank™, a system for ranking web pages developed by Google founders Larry Page and Sergey Brin at Stanford University.
Building upon the breakthrough work of B. F. Skinner, Page and Brin reasoned that low cost pigeon clusters (PCs) could be used to compute the relative value of web pages faster than human editors or machine-based algorithms. And while Google has dozens of engineers working to improve every aspect of our service on a daily basis, PigeonRank continues to provide the basis for all of our web search tools
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
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Monday, December 22, 2008
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Presenting the world's most pathetic dance video
Lo and behold! A funny video clip for your viewing pleasure
The origins of this comedy masterpiece are unknown but I presume that this belongs to some B-grade movie. The dance sequence is ably assisted with some moves that seem vaguely similar to physical training exercises in primary school. The lipsync and sublime expressions are unbelievable... Must be an ultimate frustroo movie (note the gratuitous groping of the actress)
I want to learn this new dance form from the choreographer... Please let me know if any of you find out anything about this movie, actor or choreographer...
The origins of this comedy masterpiece are unknown but I presume that this belongs to some B-grade movie. The dance sequence is ably assisted with some moves that seem vaguely similar to physical training exercises in primary school. The lipsync and sublime expressions are unbelievable... Must be an ultimate frustroo movie (note the gratuitous groping of the actress)
I want to learn this new dance form from the choreographer... Please let me know if any of you find out anything about this movie, actor or choreographer...
Thursday, August 07, 2008
CDO Market Is Dead, Not Just Pining for Fjords
A Monty Python parrot sketch takeoff on the sub-prime mess by Mark Gilbert from Bloomberg (You can access the news column here
For those who have never heard about Monty Python or the Parrot Sketch (and have been living under a rock), you can find the Parrot Sketch video at here on YouTube
Hedge-Fund Guy enters an investment bank. "I wish to complain about this derivative security what I purchased not two years ago from this very boutique," he says.
"Ah yes, the Collateralized-Debt Obligation," says the Wall Street Banker. "What's wrong with him?"
"I'll tell you what's wrong with him, my lad. He's dead, that's what's wrong with him!"
Wall Street Banker: "No, no, he's ... restin'." Hedge-Fund Guy: "Look, matey, I know a dead derivative when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now."
"No, no, he's not dead, he's restin'! Remarkable investment, the CDO, isn't it? Beautiful plumage!"
"The plumage don't enter into it. He's stone dead."
"Nononono, no, no! He's restin'!"
"All right then, if he's resting, I'll wake him up!" (Shouts at the derivative): "Ello, Mister CDO! I've got a lovely fresh rating upgrade for you if you ..." (Wall Street Banker leans over and nudges the derivative contract.) "There, he moved!" "No, he didn't, that was you hitting him!" "I never!!" "Yes, you did!"
Hedge-Fund Guy (yelling and hitting the derivative repeatedly): "HELLO CDO!!!!! Testing! Testing! This is your 9 o'clock alarm call!" (Picks up the CDO and thumps it on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.) "Now that's what I call a dead CDO."
Wall Street Banker: "No, no ... he's stunned!" "STUNNED?" "Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Collateralized-Debt Obligations stun easily."
AAA Rating?
"Now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That CDO is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 24 months ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following its strenuous efforts to achieve a AAA credit rating."
"Well, he's... he's, ah... probably pining for the fjords." "PININ' for the FJORDS? What kind of talk is that? Why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?"
"The Collateralized-Debt Obligation prefers keepin' on his back! Remarkable investment, isn't it, squire? Lovely plumage!"
"Look, I took the liberty of examining that CDO when its credit rating fell to junk, and I discovered that the only reason that it hadn't collapsed in the first place was that it had been NAILED there."
Va-Va Voom
"Well, of course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that CDO down, it would have nuzzled up to the edge of your investment strategy, forced its way out between all those deadly dull stocks and bonds, and VOOM!"
"VOOM? Mate, this CDO wouldn't `voom' if you put 4 million volts through it! He's bleedin' demised!"
"No. no! He's pining!"
"He's not pining! He's passed on! This CDO is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! His metabolic processes are now 'istory! He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket, he's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible! THIS IS AN EX-INVESTMENT!"
(Pause).
Wall Street Banker: "Well, I'd better replace it then. (He takes a quick peek behind the counter.) "Sorry, squire, I've had a look around the trading desk, and we're right out of CDOs. Asset-backed securities in general are in very short supply." (Taps the side of his nose, winking.) "I've got a box full of Treasuries, though."
(Pause).
Hedge-Fund Guy (sweetly): "Do they offer a spread over U.S. government debt?" Wall Street Banker (mumbling): "No, not really, not a spread as such, no."
Hedge-Fund Guy: "WELL THAT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT THEN, IS IT??"
For those who have never heard about Monty Python or the Parrot Sketch (and have been living under a rock), you can find the Parrot Sketch video at here on YouTube
Hedge-Fund Guy enters an investment bank. "I wish to complain about this derivative security what I purchased not two years ago from this very boutique," he says.
"Ah yes, the Collateralized-Debt Obligation," says the Wall Street Banker. "What's wrong with him?"
"I'll tell you what's wrong with him, my lad. He's dead, that's what's wrong with him!"
Wall Street Banker: "No, no, he's ... restin'." Hedge-Fund Guy: "Look, matey, I know a dead derivative when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now."
"No, no, he's not dead, he's restin'! Remarkable investment, the CDO, isn't it? Beautiful plumage!"
"The plumage don't enter into it. He's stone dead."
"Nononono, no, no! He's restin'!"
"All right then, if he's resting, I'll wake him up!" (Shouts at the derivative): "Ello, Mister CDO! I've got a lovely fresh rating upgrade for you if you ..." (Wall Street Banker leans over and nudges the derivative contract.) "There, he moved!" "No, he didn't, that was you hitting him!" "I never!!" "Yes, you did!"
Hedge-Fund Guy (yelling and hitting the derivative repeatedly): "HELLO CDO!!!!! Testing! Testing! This is your 9 o'clock alarm call!" (Picks up the CDO and thumps it on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.) "Now that's what I call a dead CDO."
Wall Street Banker: "No, no ... he's stunned!" "STUNNED?" "Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Collateralized-Debt Obligations stun easily."
AAA Rating?
"Now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That CDO is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 24 months ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following its strenuous efforts to achieve a AAA credit rating."
"Well, he's... he's, ah... probably pining for the fjords." "PININ' for the FJORDS? What kind of talk is that? Why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?"
"The Collateralized-Debt Obligation prefers keepin' on his back! Remarkable investment, isn't it, squire? Lovely plumage!"
"Look, I took the liberty of examining that CDO when its credit rating fell to junk, and I discovered that the only reason that it hadn't collapsed in the first place was that it had been NAILED there."
Va-Va Voom
"Well, of course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that CDO down, it would have nuzzled up to the edge of your investment strategy, forced its way out between all those deadly dull stocks and bonds, and VOOM!"
"VOOM? Mate, this CDO wouldn't `voom' if you put 4 million volts through it! He's bleedin' demised!"
"No. no! He's pining!"
"He's not pining! He's passed on! This CDO is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! His metabolic processes are now 'istory! He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket, he's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible! THIS IS AN EX-INVESTMENT!"
(Pause).
Wall Street Banker: "Well, I'd better replace it then. (He takes a quick peek behind the counter.) "Sorry, squire, I've had a look around the trading desk, and we're right out of CDOs. Asset-backed securities in general are in very short supply." (Taps the side of his nose, winking.) "I've got a box full of Treasuries, though."
(Pause).
Hedge-Fund Guy (sweetly): "Do they offer a spread over U.S. government debt?" Wall Street Banker (mumbling): "No, not really, not a spread as such, no."
Hedge-Fund Guy: "WELL THAT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT THEN, IS IT??"
Monday, July 21, 2008
Wadi Sindhi Mother
You're divorcing Khishoo? You're divorcing Khishoo? Are you going out of your mind?
Mama, all he wants is anal sex, and my asshole is now the size of an one rupee coin when it used to be the size of a tiny 25p.
Chario, the mother says, you are married to a sutto multi-millionaire businessman from Hang Kang, you live in an 25,000 square ft, 14 bedroom, 7 bathroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari F430 Spider, you get $10,000 a week spending money, you take 6 vacations a year, and you want to throw all that away for just 75 paise?
Mama, all he wants is anal sex, and my asshole is now the size of an one rupee coin when it used to be the size of a tiny 25p.
Chario, the mother says, you are married to a sutto multi-millionaire businessman from Hang Kang, you live in an 25,000 square ft, 14 bedroom, 7 bathroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari F430 Spider, you get $10,000 a week spending money, you take 6 vacations a year, and you want to throw all that away for just 75 paise?
Monday, July 07, 2008
नसबंदी पर नेक विचार
नसबंदी की टीम को दुबारा अपने गाव मे देख कर एक बुढा बोला, "इन लोगो ने कनेक्शन तो पहले ही काट दिया था। अब क्या handset भी ले जायेंगे?
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