Airplane Safety

Lord's Light

An 90 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, "Friend, for your age your in the best shape I've seen."

The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. Why I know I live a good, clean, spiritual
life." The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?" The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night."

The doc was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?"

"Yep," the old man said, "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."

Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said.

"I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental condition He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."

"He what?" she cried.

"He said every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."

"Aha!!!" she exclaimed. "So he's the one who's been peeing in the refrigerator!"

Wedding Night

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with a woman.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up
corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback. They end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked..... and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get."

Embarrassing moments

The following are the top four winners from a "Most Embarrassing
Moments" contest :

#1 While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now,' she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter"

#2 "It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my
girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire family - aunts, uncles, Grandparents,
cousins and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again.

#3 One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the
checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back
over the intercom: "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

#4 This one actually happened at Harvard University in October of this year in a biology class, the prof was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose in male semen as in sugar?" "That's correct", responded the prof, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class ... and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the Prof's reply was classic... Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat.

A lawyer's tale

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute and said, "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, "Um... No."

"Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her pennyless with three children?"

The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?

Joke du jour

The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked.

"I want Natalie," the old man replied.

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."

"No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000.

Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?"

The old man replied, "I am from Minsk."

"Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there."

"Yes; I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you."

Give them a simple process to follow...

In our R&D department, persons are required to request the use of any IP addresses for testing before configuring their device with it. Normally this is a straightforward process of ensuring nobody else is using the desired address. Of course some people around here like to re-define normal!

The following is an email conversation I saw earlier today: [I have assigned random names to protect the guilty]

***********************
>From: Stephan
>Subject: IP 192.168.1.153
This is an email requesting the official use of 192.168.1.153 for SNMP test.

Please direct me to the proper place where I can use/buy this address for testing.

Thank you for your help.

***********************
>From: Al H.
>Subject: RE: IP 192.168.1.153
Hi...

Congratulations! You are the proud new owner of an IP address, 192.168.1.153 .

Accounting has been notified, and payment will be via payroll deduction. Please keep your receipt for exchange/refund/tax purposes.

***********************
>From: Stephan
>Subject: RE: IP 192.168.1.153

What kind of negotiation is that? Forwarding that request off to payroll. Is it kinda of like "you touch it you bought it?" You haven't even heard my bid price for it. I was hoping to get this one cheap. I have been testing it out, and it appears to ping slower than the other ones you gave me. I think it is fairly used and I was wondering what type of a warranty comes with it? Also, what is the trade in value of the other IP's I have, out of curiosity, if I should no longer need them.

Thanks

***********************
>From: Al H.
>Subject: RE: IP 192.168.1.153

Hi...

I don't remember using the word 'negotiation'... Your original email did not specify an offered price, only a willingness to 'use/buy' the address - and this aint no library kid! This is big business!! By using the address already, you've implicitly agreed to the purchase/usage agreement, which explicitly states that exchanges and refunds will only be considered before additional usage takes place.

That address was previously owned by a little old lady who only downloaded bondage .gifs on Sundays, so it had low milage, and besides - it worked *just fine* before you started using it.

We're in the business of providing IP addresses, not buying them, so if *you* don't want your IP addresses anymore, you can check with your co-workers to see if they want to buy it from you - but I'll warn you up front, the resale value on them isn't great!

***********************
>From: Stephan
>Subject: RE: IP 192.168.1.153

Al H.,

It seems that you have now further devalued the worth of 192.168.1.153 by attaching a dirty porn reference to it and passing it around the email group (and you said it was hardly USED). This should be further cause to dicount this one, not to mention the fact that it isn't even a full ip address. Next time i'll apply for a broadcast address, or at least one that contains bits closer to 255.

***********************
>From the Law Firm of Dewey, Cheatham and Howe:

Dear Sir;
My client wishes to inform you that pursuant to the transaction that has occurred between yourself and my client, my client has fulfilled all aspects of the purchase/usage agreement by providing you with the address you requested, in a timely fashion, which you implicitly agreed to by using said address. At that point, you (the purchasor and new owner of said address) became completely and wholly responsible for said address as well as all references and usages of said address, and discussions regarding said address. My client is no longer responsible for, nor will he accept any further responsibility for any problems with said address. It was delivered when requested - as requested. It was your (the purchasor) responsibility to verify the pedigree and suitability of said address before the transaction was entered into.

Your claim that "it isn't even a full ip address" is incorrect (as can be confirmed by any approved regulatory agency), and borders on libelous. Trust us, we know, we're lawyers.

***********************
> From the law firm of Hewey, Duwey, and Lewey:

Dir Sir;

Pursuant to your recent transaction and email exchange with our client we have been contracted to represent Stephan in the matter of "Stephan vs Al H.." Although we have been given full authority to pursue this matter in a court of law, we feel that you will see the benefits of reaching a settlement agreement which is satifactory to all parties concerned.

To assist in clarifying your current situation in this matter, we submit the documents attached below for your review. As you will note, sufficient evidence is present for a judgement in the favor of our client.

[Document 09453B-1999-06-02]

To whom it may concern:

I feel that I must come to the defense of Stephan in this blatant example of "Used Car Saleman Syndrome" which Al H. has fell victum too.

Reportedly the IP address in question is to be considered to be in "good working condition" where infact I have evidence to the contrary! A simple search of the Software Problem Database will return numerous examples of cases where this specific address has been subjected to a variety of abusive tests; including subnet masking, ICMP redirects, network unreachables and other torturous proceedures.

In a few documented cases it even states that the device configured with the IP address 198.169.1.153 would not respond to pings, telnets, or any other form of IP based queries. This further supports Stephan's case that the requested IP address can not be considered to be in good working order.

[source unpublished at this time]


[Document 08453C-1999-05-15]

MEMORANDUM
>From: Office of R&D Internal Affairs.
To: [source unpublished at this time]

Dear Sir,

With respect to your request for a background check on one Al H., regarding past and present IP address transactions, please be aware that this individual is under current investigation for IP Address Fraud. An transactions entered into with this individual should be approached with EXTREME CAUTION.

With regard to your question as to the integrity of Al H., interviews with several co-workers have uncovered facts which indicate that he is the Boss of the local IP address black market. Reviews of log books has shown repeated resale of the same addresses. Inspection of the local intranet web site has shown how Al H. controls IP address and assigns them to co-workers in return for "special favors."

In your request you mention Al H.'s suggestion that the addresses have little or know resale value. This office believes that this is simply an attempt by Al H. to re-gain control of abandoned addresses so as to benefit from their resale to future unsuspecting clients.

I would suggest that you immediately contact the local R&D Consumer Protection branch before any monies is transferred.

-----

Regarding the question of the validity of the claim "it isn't even a full ip address" as presented in the letter from your legal representative:

Please note that the mentioned approved regulatory agency also states that a full valid IP address must include a subnet mask! Failure on your part to provide this required information in the afore mentioned transaction with our client provides the basis for Breach of Contract as per Article 2.01 "Genuine Intention" under the Contractual Law Act.

Lastly we must inform you that we are currently pursing a Court Injuction to prevent an futher transaction of the afore mentioned type until this issue is settled to our clients satisfactions.

Regards,

***********************

To the law firm of Hewey, Duwey, and Lewey:

My client suggests that a law firm with your professed reputation would be able to afford not only a spell-checker, but also a clue-checker.

Please provide concrete examples of the test documents you refer to, or the *shoe* will be on the other foot in terms of liability, and your 'organization' *will be swimming* in stacks of legal red-tape. Our organization has successfully represented many groups, including one from Marine Land known only as *the fishes*.

Let me dummy it down a notch for you: We successfully represented New York's 'Teflon Don' until he refused to pay his bill, at which point he was reminded that non-stick items should not come into contact with sharp metal objects.

Pursuant to your obviously mis-informed arguments regarding this matter, and your libelous characterization of my client, I'm reminded of the case of 'My Uncle Vinny's Foot Vs Your Butt'.

Clinton Deploys Vowels to Balkans

Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients

Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A, E, I, O and U.

"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been butchered by millions around the world," Clinton said.

"Today, the United States must finally stand up and say 'Enough."

The deployment, dubbed by the State Dept, "Operation Vowel Movement" is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients.

Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities.

Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels.

"I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I have six children and none of them has an intelligible name.

The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92-thousand consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L's, S's and T's. The consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast quantities of the letters were intercepted and hoarded by violent, gun-toting warlords.

Lipstick Prints

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with an unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Ode to a Spellchecker

I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks eye can knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it.
You sure reel glad two no
Its vary polished in it's weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a bless sing.
It freeze yew lodes of thymes.
It helps me right awl stiles two reeds,
And aides me when aye rime.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud.And wee mussed
dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know faults with in my cite.
Of none eye am a wear.

Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed to be a joule.
The checker poured oar every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

That's why aye brake in two averse
By righting wants two pleas.
Sow now ewe sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear for pea seas!

A Born Salesman

Dan, a college student, is home for summer break.  In order to make a few extra bucks he decides that he is going to apply for a part-time job at the local K-Mart.

Dan fills out the standard application and is called into the manager's office.  The manager asks Dan, "Do you think you have what it takes to work at the Big K?"

Dan laughs to himself, thinking, "Is he kidding?" But since it was an interview he responded, "Absolutely."  The Manager continued, "In order to work here you need to be a salesman and you need to be in touch with the customer. Do you think you've
got those qualities?"

Again, Dan laughs to himself, "Is this guy serious?" but he says again, Absolutely!"  "Well let me show you how it's done," says the manager.

The manager leads Dan to a counter and waits for a customer. The first guy to come along drops a 50 pound bag of grass seed on the counter.

The manager says, "That's a pretty big bag of grass seed ya got there." "Yup," responds the customer.  The manager winks at Dan and says, "Ya think you might need a new lawn mower for that grass you're putting down?"

Dan actually sees the lightbulb go off over the customer's head.  "Yeah! That's a great idea." The manager leads him back to the lawn mowers and helps him pick out a really nice model.

"Ya see, Dan, that's how it's done.  Ya think you can do that?" says the manager.  "Hell, yeah!" says Dan, "Just watch!!"  Dan steps up to the counter and the next man to come along drops a huge package of tampons onto the counter.

Dan looks at the box and then at the embarrassed customer, "That's a pretty big box of tampons ya got there," says Dan. The embarrassed man looks up feebly and says, "Yup." A moment of silence passes and then Dan blurts out, "Would you be
interested in buying a new lawnmower?"

The customer looks up from his shoes and responds, "What the hell would I want a lawnmower for?" Dan winks at his manager and says, "Well, since you won't be having sex this weekend I figured you might want to mow your lawn!"

The Eye Test

Sexist Mastercard Commercial

Cover charge: $15.00
Round of drinks: $23.00
Table dance: $30.00
Couch dance and tips: $50.00
A round of shots: $34.00
Private dance in your hotel room: $300.00
Send her on her way and never have to hear her complain: priceless

There are some things that money can't buy. For everything else, there's Mastercard.

Vocabulary

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater (airplane).

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man guy lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even  when you're only six inches away.

Directions

Here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

* On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

* On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

* On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

* Some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

* On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

* On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Printed on the bottom of the box --> Do not turn upside down.

* On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

* On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.

* On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

* On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: May cause drowsiness.

* On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.

* On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

* On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

* On Sainsbury's Peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.

* On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

* On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.