Starrr Wars

A Clinton Quickie

Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean." Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?" "No," says Monica. "Mustard."

The old man and the genie

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah.

This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish! The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've
always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to
visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.

Finally, he said, I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and
what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say nothing'....know how to make them truly happy....

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

Michigan DEQ and the Dam Builders

This was an actual letter from and a reply to the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan:

Mr. Ryan De Vries
2088 Dagget
Pierson, MI 49339

Dear Mr. DeVries:

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W, Sec. 20, Montcalm County

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above-referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.

The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31,1998.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement
action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division

RESPONSE

Dear Mr. Price:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20; Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond to. You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore, have to send them a copy of my response.

First of all, Mr. Ryan De Vries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan - I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervised their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris." I
would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they first must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is: (1) are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act I request completed copies of all those other
applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -
so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence which the department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - please contact the beavers - but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter-being unable to read English) - be sure they are read the Miranda rights first. As for me, I am not going to cause more flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam beavers-be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA. If your dam department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this State-I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy - or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice!

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears. Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you
should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office via another government organization - the dam USPS. Maybe, someday, it will get there.

Sincerely,
Stephen L. Tvedten

How to screw up an Interview?

We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants.

The lowlights:

1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."

2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."

3. " A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."

4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."

5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve"

6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."

7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."

8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."

9. "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, he went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."

10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."

11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."


12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."

13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."

14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I
assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more. "I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."

15. "His attaché [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."

16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."

17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security,"

18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

You know you are a Canadian if...

You know you are a Canadian if...

1. You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.

2. You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk".

3. You understand the sentence, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine".

4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.

5. You drink pop, not soda.

6. You know what it means to be on pogey.

7. You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp, eh!"

8. You can drink legally while still a 'teen.

9. You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.

10.You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel with good cigars and no Americans.

11.When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.

12.You're not sure if the leader of your nation has EVER had sex and you don't want to know if he has!

13.You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.

14.Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.

15.You drive on a highway, not a freeway.

16.You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.

17.You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.

18.You know that Thrills are something to chew and "taste like soap".

19.You know that Mounties "don't always look like that".

20.You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly".

21.You know that the Friendly Giant isn't a vegetable product line.

22.You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a Celtic musical group.

23.You participated in "Participaction".

24.You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale,"What's good enough protection for the Prime Minister is good enough for me".

25.You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin yet.

26.Unlike any international assassin/terrorist/spy in the world, you don't possess a Canadian passport.

27.You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color.

28.You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize", and "no sugar added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.

29.You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.

30.You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.

31.You can do all the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's "Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-doo" opus.

32.You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.

33.You were mad when "The Beachcombers" were taken off the air.

34.You know what a toque is.

35.You have some memento of Doug and Bob.

36.You know Toronto is not a province.

37.You never miss "Coaches Corner".

38.Back bacon and Kraft Dinner are two of your favourite food groups.

Master Card - Priceless

Lockheed F-16 Fighting Falcon - 25 million dollars
Lockheed F-117 Nighthawk Stealth Fighter - 45 million dollars
Boeing B-52 Stratofortress - 74 million dollars
Brand new B-2 Stealth Bomber - 2.1 billion dollars
A decent map of downtown Belgrade - Priceless.

There are some things that money can't buy. Unfortunately, good intelligence is one of them. For the rest, there's MasterCard, the official card of the 19-member NATO alliance.

The Pluperfect Virus

A new computer virus is spreading throughout the Internet, and it is far more insidious than the recent Chernobyl menace. Named Strunkenwhite after the authors of a classic guide to good writing, it returns e-mail messages that have grammatical or spelling errors. It is deadly accurate in its detection abilities, unlike the dubious spell checkers that come with word processing programs.

The virus is causing something akin to panic throughout corporate America, which has become used to the typos, misspellings, missing words and mangled syntax so acceptable in cyberspace. The CEO of LoseItAll.com, an Internet startup, said the virus has rendered him helpless. "Each time I tried to send one particular e-mail this morning, I got back this error message: 'Your dependent clause preceding your independent clause must be set off by commas, but one must not precede the conjunction.' I threw my laptop across the room."

A top executive at a telecommunications and long-distance company,
10-10-10-10-10-10-123, said: "This morning, the same damned e-mail kept coming back to me with a pesky notation claiming I needed to use a pronoun's possessive case before a gerund. With the number of e-mails I crank out each day, who has time for proper grammar? Whoever created this virus should have their programming fingers broken."

A broker at Begg, Barow and Steel said he couldn't return to the "bad, old" days when he had to send paper memos in proper English. He speculated that the hacker who created Strunkenwhite was a "disgruntled English major who couldn't make it on a trading floor. When you're buying and selling on margin, I don't think it's anybody's business if I write that 'i meetinged through the morning, then cinched the deal on the cel phone while bareling down the xway.' "

If Strunkenwhite makes e-mailing impossible, it could mean the end to a
communication revolution once hailed as a significant timesaver. A study of 1,254 office workers in Leonia, N.J., found that e-mail increased employees' productivity by 1.8 hours a day because they took less time to formulate their thoughts. (The same study also found that they lost 2.2 hours of productivity because they were e-mailing so many jokes to their spouses, parents and stockbrokers.)

Strunkenwhite is particularly difficult to detect because it doesn't come as an e-mail attachment (which requires the recipient to open it before it becomes active). Instead, it is disguised within the text of an e-mail entitled "Congratulations on your pay raise." The message asks the recipient to "click here to find out about how your raise effects your pension." The use of "effects" rather than the grammatically correct "affects" appears to be an inside joke from trunkenwhite's mischievous creator.

The virus also has left government e-mail systems in disarray. Officials at the Office of Management and Budget can no longer transmit electronic versions of federal regulations because their highly technical language seems to run afoul of Strunkenwhite's dictum that "vigorous writing is concise." The White House speechwriting office reported that it had received the same message, along with a caution to avoid phrases such as "the truth is. . ." and "in fact. . . ."

Home computer users also are reporting snafus, although an e-mailer who used the word "snafu" said she had come to regret it.

The virus can have an even more devastating impact if it infects an entire network. A cable news operation was forced to shut down its computer system for several hours when it discovered that Strunkenwhite had somehow infiltrated its TelePrompTer software, delaying newscasts and leaving news anchors nearly tongue-tied as they wrestled with proper sentence structure.

There is concern among law enforcement officials that Strunkenwhite is a harbinger of the increasingly sophisticated methods hackers are using to exploit the vulnerability of business's reliance on computers. "This is one of the most complex and invasive examples of computer code we have ever encountered. We just can't imagine what kind of devious mind would want to tamper with e-mails to create this burden on communications," said an FBI agent who insisted on speaking via the telephone out of concern that trying to e-mail his comments could leave him tied up for hours.

Meanwhile, bookstores and online booksellers reported a surge in orders for Strunk & White's "The Elements of Style."

Reading Employment Ads

"Competitive Salary" - We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"Join Our Fast Paced Company" - We have no time to train you.

"Casual Work Atmosphere" - We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up.

"Must be Deadline Oriented" - You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"Some Overtime Required" - Some time each night, some time each weekend.

"Duties will Vary" - Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"Must have an Eye for Detail" - We have no quality control.

"Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience" - You will need to replace three people who just left.

"Problem Solving Skills a Must" - You are walking into a company in perpetual chaos. Haven't heard a word from anyone out there. Your first task is to find out what is going on.

"Requires Team Leadership Skills" - You will have the responsibilities of a manager without the pay or respect.

"Good Communication Skills" - Management communicates poorly, so you have to figure out what they want and do it.

Why it's difficult to navigate London?

And on the Seventh Day...

1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte.
And from those he created the Word.

2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing
else existed. And God separated the One from the
Zero; and he saw it was Good.

3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened.
And God said - Let the Data go to their proper
places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks
and compact disks.

4. And God said - Let the computers be, so there
would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks
and compact disks. Thus God created
computers and called them hardware.

5. And there was no Software yet. But God created
programs; small and big...And told them - Go and
multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.

6. And God said -I will create the Programmer; And
the Programmer will make new programs and govern
over the computers and programs and Data.

7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at
Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the
Catalog Tree and said You can use all the
volumes and sub-volumes but DO NOT USE Windows.

8. And God said - It is not Good for the programmer
to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's
body and created a creature that would
look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer;
and love the things the Programmer does; And God
called the creature: the User.

9. And the Programmer and the User were left under
the naked DOS and it was Good.

10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures
of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really
tell you not to run any programs ?

11. And the User answered - God told us that we can
use every program and every piece of Data but told
us not to run Windows or we will die.

12. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk
about something you did not even try. The moment
you run Windows you will become equal to God.
You will be able to create anything you like by a
simple click of your mouse.

13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows
were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that
any knowledge was useless - since
Windows could replace it.

14. So the User installed the Windows on his
computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good.

15. And the Programmer immediately started to look
for new drivers. And God asked him - What are you
looking for? And the Programmer answered:
" I am looking for new drivers because I can not
find them in the DOS". And God said :" Who told you
need drivers? Did you run Windows?" And the
Programmer said :" It was Bill who told us to !"

16. And God said to Bill - Because of what you did
you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User
will always be unhappy with you. And you
will always sell Windows.

17. And God said to the User - Because of what you
did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all
your Resources; and you will have to use
lousy programs; and you will always rely on the
Programmers help.

18. And God said to the Programmer - Because you
listened to the User you will never be happy. All
your programs will have errors and you will
have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.

19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and
locked the door and secured it with a password:

20. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT

Words of Wisdom

Before you criticize someone you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

I started out with nothing? I still have most of it!

When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

All reports are in, Life is now officially unfair.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.

The first rule of holes: If you're in one, stop digging.

I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.

I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.

It was all so different before everything changed.

Some days you're the windshield, some days you're the bug.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.

A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.

I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents: accidents in the back seat cause kids.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun!

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

Lead me not into temptation (I can find enough myself).

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

You might be a Yankee if...

1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!

3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

4. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.

5. You don't know what a moon pie is.

6. You've never had homemade grain alcohol.

7. You've never, ever, eaten okra.

8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.

10. You have no idea what a polecat is.

11. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

12. You don't have bangs.

13. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.

14. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.

15. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

16. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you'se guys," even if both of them are women.

17. You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.

18. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.

19. You think that more money should go to important scientific research at your university, than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

20. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

21. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.

22. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

23. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.

24. You call binoculars opera glasses.

25. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.

26. You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.

27. You don't know what applique is.

28. You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Don, Mary Alice, et al)

28a. You do know what "et al" means.

29. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.

30. You've never been to a craft show.

31. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

32. You can't do your laundry without quarters.

33. None of your fur coats are homemade.

Beware Greeks bearing gifts

From: laocoon@doomgloom.edu
To: hector@studmuffin.com
re: WARNING!! BEWARE GREEKS BEARING GIFTS!

Hey Hector:

This was forwarded to me by Cassandra -- it looks legit. Please distribute to Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings.

Thanks,
Laocoon

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your ENTIRE CITY!

The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two storeys tall.

It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned.

DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children. If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.

Poseidon

From: hector@studmuffin.com
To: laocoon@doomgloom.edu
Re: Greeks bearing gifts

Laocoon,

I hate to break this to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is.

I've seen variants on this warning come through on other listservs, one involving some kind of fruit that was supposed to kill the people who ate it and the usual spam having to do with something called the "Midas Touch."

Here are a few tip-offs that this is a hoax:

1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" crap.

If it were really meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post it to the Phonecians, Sumerians, and Cretans?

2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway. And upper case means shouting in email -- not cool.

3) It's signed "Poseidon." Granted, he's had his problems with Odysseus, but he's one of their guys, isn't he? Besides, the lack of a real header with a detailed address makes me suspicious.

4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite your entire city. A horse is just an animal, after all.

Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I appreciate your concern, but once you've been around the block a couple times you'll realize how annoying this kind of stuff is.

bye now,
Hector