Friday, April 23, 2004

And on the Seventh Day...

1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte.
And from those he created the Word.

2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing
else existed. And God separated the One from the
Zero; and he saw it was Good.

3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened.
And God said - Let the Data go to their proper
places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks
and compact disks.

4. And God said - Let the computers be, so there
would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks
and compact disks. Thus God created
computers and called them hardware.

5. And there was no Software yet. But God created
programs; small and big...And told them - Go and
multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.

6. And God said -I will create the Programmer; And
the Programmer will make new programs and govern
over the computers and programs and Data.

7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at
Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the
Catalog Tree and said You can use all the
volumes and sub-volumes but DO NOT USE Windows.

8. And God said - It is not Good for the programmer
to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's
body and created a creature that would
look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer;
and love the things the Programmer does; And God
called the creature: the User.

9. And the Programmer and the User were left under
the naked DOS and it was Good.

10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures
of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really
tell you not to run any programs ?

11. And the User answered - God told us that we can
use every program and every piece of Data but told
us not to run Windows or we will die.

12. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk
about something you did not even try. The moment
you run Windows you will become equal to God.
You will be able to create anything you like by a
simple click of your mouse.

13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows
were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that
any knowledge was useless - since
Windows could replace it.

14. So the User installed the Windows on his
computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good.

15. And the Programmer immediately started to look
for new drivers. And God asked him - What are you
looking for? And the Programmer answered:
" I am looking for new drivers because I can not
find them in the DOS". And God said :" Who told you
need drivers? Did you run Windows?" And the
Programmer said :" It was Bill who told us to !"

16. And God said to Bill - Because of what you did
you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User
will always be unhappy with you. And you
will always sell Windows.

17. And God said to the User - Because of what you
did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all
your Resources; and you will have to use
lousy programs; and you will always rely on the
Programmers help.

18. And God said to the Programmer - Because you
listened to the User you will never be happy. All
your programs will have errors and you will
have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.

19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and
locked the door and secured it with a password:

20. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

Words of Wisdom

Before you criticize someone you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

I started out with nothing? I still have most of it!

When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

All reports are in, Life is now officially unfair.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.

The first rule of holes: If you're in one, stop digging.

I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.

I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.

It was all so different before everything changed.

Some days you're the windshield, some days you're the bug.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.

A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.

I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents: accidents in the back seat cause kids.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun!

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

Lead me not into temptation (I can find enough myself).

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

You might be a Yankee if...

1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!

3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

4. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.

5. You don't know what a moon pie is.

6. You've never had homemade grain alcohol.

7. You've never, ever, eaten okra.

8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.

10. You have no idea what a polecat is.

11. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

12. You don't have bangs.

13. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.

14. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.

15. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

16. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you'se guys," even if both of them are women.

17. You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.

18. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.

19. You think that more money should go to important scientific research at your university, than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

20. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

21. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.

22. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

23. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.

24. You call binoculars opera glasses.

25. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.

26. You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.

27. You don't know what applique is.

28. You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Don, Mary Alice, et al)

28a. You do know what "et al" means.

29. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.

30. You've never been to a craft show.

31. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

32. You can't do your laundry without quarters.

33. None of your fur coats are homemade.

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

Beware Greeks bearing gifts

From: laocoon@doomgloom.edu
To: hector@studmuffin.com
re: WARNING!! BEWARE GREEKS BEARING GIFTS!

Hey Hector:

This was forwarded to me by Cassandra -- it looks legit. Please distribute to Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings.

Thanks,
Laocoon

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your ENTIRE CITY!

The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two storeys tall.

It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned.

DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children. If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.

Poseidon

From: hector@studmuffin.com
To: laocoon@doomgloom.edu
Re: Greeks bearing gifts

Laocoon,

I hate to break this to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is.

I've seen variants on this warning come through on other listservs, one involving some kind of fruit that was supposed to kill the people who ate it and the usual spam having to do with something called the "Midas Touch."

Here are a few tip-offs that this is a hoax:

1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" crap.

If it were really meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post it to the Phonecians, Sumerians, and Cretans?

2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway. And upper case means shouting in email -- not cool.

3) It's signed "Poseidon." Granted, he's had his problems with Odysseus, but he's one of their guys, isn't he? Besides, the lack of a real header with a detailed address makes me suspicious.

4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite your entire city. A horse is just an animal, after all.

Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I appreciate your concern, but once you've been around the block a couple times you'll realize how annoying this kind of stuff is.

bye now,
Hector