The Internet Primer

1. How big is the Internet? When did it start? How did it grow?

The Internet is actually much smaller than most people think. It is primarily composed of fiber optic cables no thicker than a human hair, which can be conveniently rolled up and stored in a foot locker. Janitors at the National Science Foundation do this on the third Tuesday of every month when they wax the floors. Since fiber optics are the size of human hairs, they also make attractive wigs. The next time you watch a Sprint commercial, look closely and you'll see that Candice Bergen's alleged hair is really the T4 backbone.

The earliest origins of the Internet can be traced to Ancient Greece, where a loosely connected set of networks was used to discuss exploration in the Black Sea. The Argonets, as they were then called, were entirely subsidized by the government, and won one of William Proxmire's first Golden Fleece awards.

The Internet grows hyperbolically, but is usually described elliptically.

2. Who owns the Internet?

There is no one person or agency that owns the Internet. Instead, parts of it are owned by Toshiba and parts are owned by Free Masons.

3. What do the Internet addresses mean?

Precise meanings are often hard to determine. The address baker.lib.washington.edu--which is sometimes written baker@lib.washington.edu--seems to refer to a computer either owned by a baker or by someone named Baker. This can be deceiving however; names like this actually refer to where a computer is located. This one is on top of Mt. Baker.

In addition to names, computers on the Internet also have numbers. This is part of that whole right brain/left brain thing.

4. Tell me how to get on and off various lists and discussion groups.

Getting off on various lists is currently the subject of pending legislation.

5. What is "Netiquette?"

"Netiquette" is one of many cutesy neologisms created by combining two other words. In this case, "network" and "tourniquette" combine to describe a program that shuts down a computer if it starts transmitting information too fast.

6. What is "Flaming?"

Along with an improvisational approach to floating point arithmetic, early Pentium chips were noted for generating heat. While some hackers speak fondly of roasting marshmallows over their first P60s, others found themselves badly singed as the chips caught fire. This "flaming" sometimes occurred while the user was composing e-mail, resulting in poorly chosen or excessively vitriolic verbiage.

7. What is "Bandwidth?"

As capacity on the Internet has increased, people have begun to transmit material other than simple text. One notable example is audio recordings of rock concerts. These audio files are much larger than even very long books, so they have become a standard unit of network usage. One Rolling Stone song equals one "band" width, and so on.

8. Why can't I FTP to some places?

There are two main reasons for this. The first is that the site you want to ftp files from is exercising a certain degree of control over its network resources; in network parlance, this is called "fascism." The second reason is that the remote site may be dabbling with such network fads as Gopher or the World Wide Web. This is called "keeping up with the times."

9. What is the World Wide Web, Gopherspace, etc?

The World Wide Web, or WWW, is an experiment in generating acronyms that are much more difficult to pronounce than the words they replace. Gopherspace is an older network term. In response to the Soviet space program's early use of dogs in space, NASA mounted a program to orbit a number of different rodents. The programmers involved in this project adopted the motto "Gophers in space!" which has since been shortened. The only actual gopher to go into orbit had been digging up the carrots in
Werner Von Braun's garden, and was named Veronica after his daughter.

10. Why can't I get some WWW stuff via FTP?

It can be hard to say this, but some users of the Internet are unable to do things because they are stupid. The comparatively trivial task of getting an ftp client to do every single thing a WWW browser can do is beneath this column's attention.

Who Enjoys Sex More?

A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male / female issues. They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions. The woman listened quietly until the
man was finished making his point. Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response.

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this - When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull
it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?

Episode I Press Release

WASHINGTON, DC--Citing "America's unprecedented prosperity and stability" and "this one part where this ship is underwater and this sea-monster thing tries to eat it," Bill Clinton became the first U.S. president to take a leave of absence Tuesday, temporarily stepping down to wait in line for the May 19 opening of Star Wars: Episode I--The Phantom Menace.

"My fellow Americans, like so many of you, I am extremely eager to see the next chapter in the greatest movie series in the history of mankind,"

Clinton, sporting a limited-edition IG-88 tie clip, said during a White House press conference. "And, as president of the nation that has produced these movies, I am fully committed to being at that very first showing, even if it means missing almost four weeks of work."

Added Clinton: "There are these droids in Phantom Menace that look like giant orbs, but then they unfold like Transformers and fight. And Darth Maul has this light saber that's double-bladed. It's going to be so incredible."

Clinton began waiting in line with "Joe," a friend who owns The Sarlacc Pit, a comic-book store in downtown D.C. "Joe is the only person who can beat me at Star Wars Trivial Pursuit. He knows the English lyrics to 'Lapti Nek.' He was also the one who told me that Uncle Owen is really Obi-Wan's brother, which came as quite a surprise, because, like most people, I had always assumed that Owen
was Anakin's brother. I did, however, inform Joe that Bruce Boa, the actor who played General Rieekan, also played the guy on Fawlty Towers who wanted the Waldorf salad. Joe did not know that."

Clinton arrived at the theater at 11:38 a.m. Tuesday, becoming the 17th person in line. But by 2 p.m., he had maneuvered his way to sixth by winning a series of Star Wars Collectible Card Game
tournaments and trivia challenges.

"This one guy tried to beat me by asking Hammerhead's real name. Can you believe it? As if I'd never read Tales From The Mos Eisley Cantina, even if I wasn't into the role-playing game. I knew he
was a rube when he asked that, so I went in for the kill by asking him the name of the Rodian in the Star Wars Holiday Special."

"Of course," Clinton continued, "Hammerhead is Momaw Nadon, and the Rodian was Ludlo." The president then excused himself to join a group sing-along of "Weird Al" Yankovic's "Yoda."

Despite being confined to one spot for the next month, Clinton said he expects to have plenty of activities to pass the time. "Joe and I are trying to organize a thing where we divide up parts and re-enact all the movies, except we both want to be Han. I think I should get to be Han because I am the leader of the free world, but if that becomes a deal-breaker, I would likely be willing to compromise."

Presidential aides have also been instructed to supply Clinton with magazine articles concerning Episode I as they become available, as well as deliver, immediately upon publication, the final installment of the four-issue Dark Horse Comics miniseries Boba Fett: Enemy Of The Empire.

"Issue three ended just as Fett and Vader were about to start fighting," Clinton said. "They both want this alien head in a box that can tell the future, and the moment Fett finally gets it, Vader
appears. Obviously, it's not going to be a fight to the death, because the whole story takes place prior to the trilogy, but it's still sure to be a great fight."

Clinton said he hopes to see Phantom Menace at least 20 times between May 19 and May 23, then return to office on the 24th, when he will scale back to once-a-day screenings. The president also noted that during his extended absence from the White House, he will be available in the event of an emergency.

"Should a major crisis arise, whether regarding the situation in Kosovo or anywhere else, I can be reached at my place in line by cell phone," Clinton said. "But I have urged my advisors only to
contact me if absolutely necessary. I would also urge Serbian president Slobodan Milosevic to follow the example of the Jedi Knights and use his powers only for knowledge and defense, never for attack."

Added Clinton: "Wars not make one great."

Clinton, a die-hard Star Wars fan ever since the 1977 release of the original, has rarely disrupted his official duties for Star Wars-related activities. Notable exceptions include a May 1983 hiatus from the Arkansas governorship to see Return Of The Jedi on its opening day and a 1995 trip to an Arlington, VA, Star Wars convention to obtain the autographs of actors Anthony Daniels, Jeremy Bulloch and Femi Taylor, as well as Jedi Academy trilogy author Kevin J. Anderson.

Clinton is also believed to have the largest collection of Star Wars merchandise in the entire executive branch.

"I have the Death Star Space Station minus one of the cardboard inserts and a piece of the bridge. The spring-loaded part that makes the gun pop up doesn't work very well, but it's still awesome," Clinton told Larry King in a 1997 interview. "I also have almost every action figure, except a few rare ones like Blue Snaggletooth and Yak Face."

Clinton went on to tell King that the infamous "missile-firing Boba Fett" action figure, rumored to have been produced in small quantities by Kenner, never actually reached the consumer, and that the
only such Fetts available are ones made by collectors.

Despite the popularity of Clinton's hiatus within the nation's science-fiction/fantasy community, Republican leaders have roundly denounced the move.

"Clinton was given the trust of a nation and, once again, he has abused that trust, abandoning his post during a time of war. There are more important things for him to be worrying about at this juncture than such trivial concerns," Sen. Arlen Specter (R-PA) said. "Besides, I hate that stupid Jar-Jar. He totally sounds like Elmo."

Specter then sneered in a high-pitched voice, "Oooh, people gonna die?"

Clinton responded swiftly to Specter's criticisms. "I would urge all Americans to withhold judgment on the Jar-Jar issue until they have seen the film. After all, Yoda talked like Grover, and he is one of the great characters in the Star Wars pantheon," Clinton's aid. "As long as Phantom Menace doesn't have those stupid teddy bears in it, I don't care."

"I've been waiting 16 years for this movie, and now it's almost here," Clinton said. "I can't believe it. I'm so excited, I feel like I could make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs."

The Balloonist and the Bystander

To all fellow engineers - A fitting tale of our lives.....

A man flying in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced height and spotted a man down below. He descended a bit further and shouted,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "Everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below responded, "You must be a manager."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you are going.

You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Ha!

A wealthy couple had planned to go to a party for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they'd be home very late and encouraged him to just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She then closed and locked the door.

Looking at the butler, she smiled and said: "Jeeves, take off my dress." He did this slowly and carefully.

"Jeeves," she then said, " take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.

"Jeeves," she whispered, "remove my bra and panties."

As he did this, the tension continued to mount. As they looked deeply into each others eyes, the woman finally broke the silence.

"Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."

Dating Terminology

ATTRACTION..... the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT.... what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING..... the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL..... avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a
diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

EASY..... a term used to describe a woman who had the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT..... a method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another.
Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND..... a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE..... a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be "playing hard to get".

INTERESTING..... a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT..... what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each
other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY..... how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC..... a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

SOBER..... condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

The Bet

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hens eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.

The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: "I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could right between his legs.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching himself and howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now its my turn to kick you."

The Scotsman said, "Keep the damn egg."

VI Man?

I feel like such a nerd...

Food Spoilage Test

FINALLY, a way to know what to pitch and what to save!

THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).

EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.

DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.

MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.

FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.

EXPIRATION DATES
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calender in your kitchen.

MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.

BREAD
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical
laboratory experiment.

FLOUR
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.

SALT
It never spoils.

CEREAL
It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.

LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.

CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.

CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.

RAISINS
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.

POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.

CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.

EMPTY CONTAINERS
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.

UNMARKED ITEMS:
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.

GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.

Make sure your "I" is straight!

Things you don't want to hear during surgery

1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
2. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
5. Hand me that. uh. that uh. that thingy there.
6. Oh no! Where's my Rolex.
7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
8. There go the lights again?
9. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."
10. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
11. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration.
12. What's this doing here?
13. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
14. That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!
15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
16. Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
17. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?!
18. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
19. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
20. Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?
21. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
22. What do you mean "You want a divorce?!?"
23. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
24. Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
25. And if all that weren't enough here's the last: Hey !! This seems to be alive !!!

The Infinite Monkey Protocol Suite (IMPS)

An April Fool's joke - The RFC for the Infinite Monkey Protocol Suite (IMPS)

Please find the RFC at this location