A Born Salesman

Dan, a college student, is home for summer break.  In order to make a few extra bucks he decides that he is going to apply for a part-time job at the local K-Mart.

Dan fills out the standard application and is called into the manager's office.  The manager asks Dan, "Do you think you have what it takes to work at the Big K?"

Dan laughs to himself, thinking, "Is he kidding?" But since it was an interview he responded, "Absolutely."  The Manager continued, "In order to work here you need to be a salesman and you need to be in touch with the customer. Do you think you've
got those qualities?"

Again, Dan laughs to himself, "Is this guy serious?" but he says again, Absolutely!"  "Well let me show you how it's done," says the manager.

The manager leads Dan to a counter and waits for a customer. The first guy to come along drops a 50 pound bag of grass seed on the counter.

The manager says, "That's a pretty big bag of grass seed ya got there." "Yup," responds the customer.  The manager winks at Dan and says, "Ya think you might need a new lawn mower for that grass you're putting down?"

Dan actually sees the lightbulb go off over the customer's head.  "Yeah! That's a great idea." The manager leads him back to the lawn mowers and helps him pick out a really nice model.

"Ya see, Dan, that's how it's done.  Ya think you can do that?" says the manager.  "Hell, yeah!" says Dan, "Just watch!!"  Dan steps up to the counter and the next man to come along drops a huge package of tampons onto the counter.

Dan looks at the box and then at the embarrassed customer, "That's a pretty big box of tampons ya got there," says Dan. The embarrassed man looks up feebly and says, "Yup." A moment of silence passes and then Dan blurts out, "Would you be
interested in buying a new lawnmower?"

The customer looks up from his shoes and responds, "What the hell would I want a lawnmower for?" Dan winks at his manager and says, "Well, since you won't be having sex this weekend I figured you might want to mow your lawn!"

The Eye Test

Sexist Mastercard Commercial

Cover charge: $15.00
Round of drinks: $23.00
Table dance: $30.00
Couch dance and tips: $50.00
A round of shots: $34.00
Private dance in your hotel room: $300.00
Send her on her way and never have to hear her complain: priceless

There are some things that money can't buy. For everything else, there's Mastercard.

Vocabulary

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater (airplane).

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man guy lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even  when you're only six inches away.

Directions

Here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

* On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

* On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

* On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

* Some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

* On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

* On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Printed on the bottom of the box --> Do not turn upside down.

* On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

* On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.

* On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

* On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: May cause drowsiness.

* On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.

* On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

* On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

* On Sainsbury's Peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.

* On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

* On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

You might be a redneck Jedi if...

You might be a Redneck Jedi if.....

You've ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father and your uncle."

Sports Quotes

"Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago"
(David Coleman)

"Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs" (David Coleman)

"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite" (Murray Walker)

After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought." (Bobby Robson)

"And with an alphabetical irony, Nigeria follows New Zealand" (David Coleman)

On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country" (Ian Rush)

"Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator" (John Arlott)

Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance do you think Germany has of getting through?" Terry Venables: "I think it's 50-50."

"Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run of play" (Peter Lorenzo)

"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalised" (Ian McNail)

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body" (Winston Bennett)

"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat" (Ron Atkinson)

"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost" (Frank Bruno)

"There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes." (David Coleman)

"There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people" (David Coleman)

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical" (Murray Walker)

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel" (Stuart Pearce)

"She's not Ben Johnson - but then who is?" (David Coleman)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" (Greg Norman)

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing but none of them serious" (Alan Minter)

"The Port Elizabeth ground is more of a circle than an oval. It's long and square" (Trevor Bailey)

"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball" (John Francombe)

"Watch the time - it gives you an indication of how fast they are running" (Ron Pickering)

"Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers" (Murray Walker)

"Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like Brazil than English sides like Wales" (Ron Greenwood)

"A brain scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from a stress fracture of the shin" (Jo Sheldon)

"The French are not normally a Nordic Skiing Nation" (Ron Pickering)

"That's inches away from being millimeter perfect" (Ted Lowe)

"Bobby Gould thinks I'm trying to stab him in the back. In fact I'm right behind him" (Stuart Pearson)

"I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right" (Marlon Starling)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" (Terry Venables)

"I can't tell who's leading - It's either Oxford or Cambridge" (John Snagge Boat Race)

"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests - absolutely round." (Tony Cozier)

"Lara's chanced his arm, and it's come off." (Brian Johnston)

Jewish Quotes

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
-- Richard Lewis

My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada.
-- David Steinberg

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up . . . they have no holidays.
-- Henny Youngman

Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one.
-- Mel Brooks

The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish.
-- Jules Farber

Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyish even if you are Jewish.
-- Lenny Bruce

God, I know we are your chosen people, but couldn't you choose somebody else for a change?
-- Shalom Aleichem

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
-- Calvin Trillin

Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!
-- Golda Meir

Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother.
-- Peter Malkin

Humility is no substitute for a good personality.
-- Fran Lebowitz

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
-- Benjamin Disraeli

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
-- Sam Levenson

Don't be humble; you are not that great.
-- Golda Meir

God will pardon me. It's His business.
-- Heinrich Heine

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.
-- Joe E. Lewis

Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.

A spoken contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
-- Sam Goldwyn

Everybody likes a kidder but nobody loans him money.
-- Arthur Miller

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.
-- Jackie Mason

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
-- Woody Allen

Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution?
-- Groucho Marx

Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
-- Groucho Marx

A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it.
-- Oscar Levant

Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.
-- George Burns

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.
-- Mort Sahl

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
-- Milton Berle

Diplomacy is to do and say the nastiest things in the nicest way.
-- (uncredited)

I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.
-- Sam Goldwyn

Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
-- Ernie Kovacs

With the collapse of vaudeville, new talent has no place to stink.
-- George Burns

When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault.
-- Henry Kissinger

Microsoft Announces Improved "Blue Screen of Death" (BSOD)

In a surprise announcement today, Microsoft President Steve Ballmer revealed that the Redmond-based company will allow computer resellers and end users to customize the appearance of the Blue Screen of Death (abbreviated BSOD), the screen that displays when the Windows operating system crashes.

The move comes as the result of numerous focus groups and customer surveys done by Microsoft. Thousands of Microsoft customers were asked, "What do you spend the most time doing on your computer?" A surprising number of respondents said, "Staring at a Blue Screen of Death." At 54 percent, it was the top answer, beating the second-place answer "Downloading Pornography" by an easy 12 points.

"We immediately recognized this as a great opportunity for ourselves, our channel partners, and especially our customers." explained the excited Ballmer to a room full of reporters.

Immense video displays were used to show images of the new customizable BSOD screen side-by-side with the older static version. Users can select from a collection of "BSOD Themes," allowing them to instead have a Mauve Screen of Death or even a Paisley Screen of Death. Graphics and multimedia content can now be incorporated into the screen, making the BSOD the perfect conduit for delivering product information and entertainment to Windows users.

The Blue Screen of Death is by far the most recognized feature of the Windows(TM) operating system, and as a result, Microsoft has historically insisted on total control over its look and feel. This recent departure from that policy reflects Microsoft's recognition of the Windows desktop itself as the "ultimate information portal." By default, the new BSOD will be configured to show a random selection of
Microsoft product information whenever the system crashes. Microsoft channel partners can negotiate with Microsoft for the right to customize the BSOD on systems they ship.

Major computer resellers such as Compaq, Gateway, and Dell are already lining up for premier placement on the new and improved BSOD.

Ballmer concluded by getting a dig in against the Open Source community. "This just goes to show that Microsoft continues to innovate at a much faster pace than open source. I have yet to see any evidence that Linux or OpenBSD even have a BSOD, let alone a customizable one."

Road Signs

Literary Mix and Match

From the Washington Post Invitational--
Report from Week 312, in which readers were asked to combine the works of two authors and provide a suitable blurb.

Second Runner-Up: "Machiavelli's The Little Prince" Antoine de Saint-Exupery's classic children's tale as presented by Machiavelli. The whimsy of human nature is embodied in many delightful and intriguing characters, all of whom are executed. (Erik Anderson, Tempe, Ariz.)

First Runner-Up: "Green Eggs and Hamlet" Would you kill him in his bed? / Thrust a dagger through his head? / I would not, could not, kill the King. / I could not do that evil thing. / I would not wed this girl, you see. / Now get her to a nunnery. (Robin Parry, Arlington, TX)

And the Winner: "Fahrenheit 451 of the Vanities" An '80s yuppie is denied books. He does not object, or even notice. (Mike Long, Burke)

Honorable Mentions:

"2001: A Space Iliad"
The Hal 9000 computer wages an insane 10-year war against the Greeks after falling victim to the Y2K bug. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

"The Hunchback Also Rises"
Hideously deformed fellow is cloistered in bell tower by despicable clergymen. And that's the good news ... (John Verba, Washington)

"The Maltese Faulkner"
Is the black bird a tortured symbol of Sam's struggles with race and family? Does it signify his decay of soul along with the soul of the Old South? Is it merely a crow, mocking his attempts to understand? Or is it worth a cool mil? (Thad Humphries, Warrenton)

"The Silence of the Hams"
In this endearing update of the Seuss classic, young Sam-I-Am presses unconventional foodstuffs on his friend, Hannibal, who turns the tables. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)

"Nicholas and Alexandra Nickleby"
Having narrowly escaped a Bolshevik firing squad, the former czar and czarina join a troupe of actors only to find that playing the Palace isn't as grand as living in it. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

"Catch-22 in the Rye"
Holden learns that if you're insane, you'll probably flunk out of prep school, but if you're flunking out of prep school, you're probably not insane. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

"Where's Walden?"
Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David Thoreau in each richly detailed drawing loses its appeal when it quickly becomes clear that he is always in the woods. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

Texas Lunch

A nun's joke

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."

The first nun says, "I want-a to be Sophia Loren" and poof! she's gone.

The second says, "I want-a to be Madonna" and poof! she's gone.

The third says, "I want-a to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days'!"

The Programmer's Drinking Song

99 little bugs in the code
99 bugs in the code,
fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code.....
(Repeat until BUGS = 0)

New Element Discovered

Investigators at a major US research university recently discovered the heaviest element known to science. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. It is also surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally have occurred in less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion to the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, an Administratium sample's mass actually INCREASES over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that perhaps Administratium is spontaneously formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "critical morass".

Moses - First Years