Q: Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq?
A: Because they had weapons of mass destruction honey.
Q: But the inspectors didn't find any weapons of mass destruction.
A: That's because the Iraqis were hiding them.
Q: And that's why we invaded Iraq?
A: Yep. Invasions always work better than inspections.
Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL didn't find any weapons of mass destruction, did we?
A: That's because the weapons are so well hidden. Don't worry, we'll find something, probably right before the 2008 election.
Q: Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass destruction?
A: To use them in a war, silly.
Q: I'm confused. If they had all those weapons that they planned to use in a war, then why didn't they use any of those weapons when we went to war with them?
A: Well, obviously they didn't want anyone to know they had those weapons, so they chose to die by the thousands rather than defend themselves.
Q: That doesn't make sense Daddy. Why would they choose to die if they had all those big weapons to fight us back with?
A: It's a different culture. It's not supposed to make sense.
Q: I don't know about you, but I don't think they had any of those weapons our government said they did.
A: Well, you know, it doesn't matter whether or not they had those weapons. We had another good reason to invade them anyway.
Q: And what was that?
A: Even if Iraq didn't have weapons of mass destruction, Saddam Hussein was a cruel dictator, which is another good reason to invade another country.
Q: Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it OK to invade his country?
A: Well, for one thing, he tortured his own people.
Q: Kind of like what they do in China?
A: Don't go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good economic competitor, where millions of people work for slave wages in sweatshops to make U.S. corporations richer.
Q: So if a country lets its people be exploited for American corporate gain, it's a good country, even if that country tortures people?
A: Right.
Q: Why were people in Iraq being tortured?
A: For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the government. People who criticized the government in Iraq were sent to prison and tortured.
Q: Isn't that exactly what happens in China?
A: I told you, China is different.
Q: What's the difference between China and Iraq?
A: Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the Ba'ath party, while China is Communist.
Q: Didn't you once tell me Communists were bad?
A: No, just Cuban Communists are bad.
Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad?
A: Well, for one thing, people who criticize the government in Cuba are sent to prison and tortured.
Q: Like in Iraq?
A: Exactly.
Q: And like in China, too?
A: I told you, China's a good economic competitor. Cuba, on the other hand, is not.
Q: How come Cuba isn't a good economic competitor?
A: Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, our government passed some laws that made it illegal for Americans to trade or do any business with Cuba until they stopped being communists and started being capitalists like us.
Q: But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade with Cuba, and started doing business with them, wouldn't that help the Cubans become capitalists?
A: Don't be a smart-ass.
Q: I didn't think I was being one.
A: Well, anyway, they also don't have freedom of religion in Cuba.
Q: Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement?
A: I told you, stop saying bad things about China. Anyway, Saddam Hussein came to power through a military coup, so he's not really a legitimate leader anyway.
Q: What's a military coup?
A: That's when a military general takes over the government of a country by force, instead of holding free elections like we do in the United States.
Q: Didn't the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a military coup?
A: You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he did, but Pakistan is our friend.
Q: Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is illegitimate?
A: I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate.
Q: Didn't you just say a military general who comes to power by forcibly overthrowing the legitimate government of a nation is an illegitimate leader?
A: Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our friend, because he helped us invade Afghanistan.
Q: Why did we invade Afghanistan?
A: Because of what they did to us on September 11th.
Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on September 11th?
A: Well, on September 11th, nineteen men, fifteen of them Saudi Arabians, hijacked four airplanes and flew three of them into buildings, killing over 3,000 Americans.
Q: So how did Afghanistan figure into all that?
A: Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under the oppressive rule of the Taliban.
Q: Aren't the Taliban those bad radical Islamics who chopped off people's heads and hands?
A: Yes, that's exactly who they were. Not only did they chop off people's heads and hands, but they oppressed women, too.
Q: Didn't the Bush administration give the Taliban 43 million dollars back in May of 2001?
A: Yes, but that money was a reward because they did such a good job fighting drugs.
Q: Fighting drugs?
A: Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping people from growing opium poppies.
Q: How did they do such a good job?
A: Simple. If people were caught growing opium poppies, the Taliban would have their hands and heads cut off.
Q: So, when the Taliban cut off people's heads and hands for growing flowers, that was OK, but not if they cut people's heads and hands off for other reasons?
A: Yes. It's OK with us if radical Islamic fundamentalists cut off people's hands for growing flowers, but it's cruel if they cut off people's hands for stealing bread.
Q: Don't they also cut off people's hands and heads in Saudi Arabia?
A: That's different. Afghanistan was ruled by a tyrannical patriarchy that oppressed women and forced them to wear burqas whenever they were in public, with death by stoning as the penalty for women who did not comply.
Q: Don't Saudi women have to wear burqas in public, too?
A: No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic body covering.
Q: What's the difference?
A: The traditional Islamic covering worn by Saudi women is a modest yet fashionable garment that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers. The burqa, on the other hand, is an evil tool of patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers.
Q: It sounds like the same thing with a different name.
A: Now, don't go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. The Saudis are our friends.
Q: But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on September 11th were from Saudi Arabia.
A: Yes, but they trained in Afghanistan.
Q: Who trained them?
A: A very bad man named Osama bin Laden.
Q: Was he from Afghanistan?
A: Uh, no, he was from Saudi Arabia too. But he was a bad man, a very bad man.
Q: I seem to recall he was our friend once.
A: Only when we helped him and the mujahadeen repel the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980s.
Q: Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist Empire Ronald Reagan talked about?
A: There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke up in 1990 or thereabouts, and now they have elections and capitalism like us. We call them Russians now.
Q: So the Soviets ? I mean, the Russians ? are now our friends?
A: Well, not really. You see, they were our friends for many years after they stopped being Soviets, but then they decided not to support our invasion of Iraq, so we're mad at them now. We're also mad at the French and the Germans because they didn't help us invade Iraq either.
Q: So the French and Germans are evil, too?
A: Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that we had to rename French fries and French toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast.
Q: Do we always rename foods whenever another country doesn't do what we want them to do?
A: No, we just do that to our friends. Our enemies, we invade.
Q: But wasn't Iraq one of our friends back in the 1980s?
A: Well, yeah. For a while.
Q: Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then?
A: Yes, but at the time he was fighting against Iran, which made him our friend, temporarily.
Q: Why did that make him our friend?
A: Because at that time, Iran was our enemy.
Q: Isn't that when he gassed the Kurds?
A: Yeah, but since he was fighting against Iran at the time, we looked the other way, to show him we were his friend.
Q: So anyone who fights against one of our enemies automatically becomes our friend?
A: Most of the time, yes.
Q: And anyone who fights against one of our friends is automatically an enemy?
A: Sometimes that's true, too. However, if American corporations can profit by selling weapons to both sides at the same time, all the better.
Q: Why?
A: Because war is good for the economy, which means war is good for America Also, since God is on America's side, anyone who opposes war is a godless un-American Communist. Do you understand now why we attacked Iraq?
Q: I think so. We attacked them because God wanted us to, right?
A: Yes.
Q: But how did we know God wanted us to attack Iraq?
A: Well, you see, God personally speaks to George W. Bush and tells him what to do.
Q: So basically, what you're saying is that we attacked Iraq because George W. Bush hears voices in his head?
A: Yes! You finally understand how the world works. Now close your eyes, make yourself comfortable, and go to sleep. Good night.
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Funny advertising sites
The Internet is fast becoming littered with the semi-active hilarious remnants of various Web campaigns.
Burger King's Subservient Chicken featured a guy in a chicken outfit responding to typed commands and has arguably become the granddaddy of the genre since launching in April 2004. It remains active here.
Another long-lived and risqué effort comes from Philips Electronics, which used a mention on Howard Stern's Sirius Satellite Radio show to launch a ribald website that aimed to hawk body-hair shavers for men. The site featured a smirking guy clad only in a bathrobe, telling viewers about the company's Bodygroom shaver while pictures of fruits and vegetables popped onscreen to help describe sensitive parts of the male anatomy. You can find this funny site here
Burger King's Subservient Chicken featured a guy in a chicken outfit responding to typed commands and has arguably become the granddaddy of the genre since launching in April 2004. It remains active here.
Another long-lived and risqué effort comes from Philips Electronics, which used a mention on Howard Stern's Sirius Satellite Radio show to launch a ribald website that aimed to hawk body-hair shavers for men. The site featured a smirking guy clad only in a bathrobe, telling viewers about the company's Bodygroom shaver while pictures of fruits and vegetables popped onscreen to help describe sensitive parts of the male anatomy. You can find this funny site here
Monday, February 16, 2009
Tandem Writing Assignment
A supposed assignment actually turned in by two English students:
Rebecca and Gary
English 44A
Creative Writing
Prof Miller
In-class Assignment for Wednesday
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.
* * * * * *
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit overSkylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers ofSkylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth — when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she has less than10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
You stupid a$$hole!
F**king B%&#h!
Rebecca and Gary
English 44A
Creative Writing
Prof Miller
In-class Assignment for Wednesday
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.
* * * * * *
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of
Little did she know, but she has less than
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
You stupid a$$hole!
F**king B%&#h!
Bad Analogies
From Douglas Grant Style Invitational Report from Week 120: (from the Washington Post, July 23, 1995), in which readers were asked to come up with bad analogies. The results were great, though it should be pointed out that there is a fine line between an analogy that is so bad it is good and an analogy that is so good it is bad. See what we mean.
4th Runner-Up:
Oooo, he smells bad, she thought, as bad as Calvin Klein's Obsession would smell if it were called Enema and was made from spoiled Spamburgers instead of natural floral fragrances. (Jennifer Frank, Washington, and Jimmy Pontzer, Sterling)
3rd Runner-Up:
The baseball player stepped out of the box and spit like a fountain statue of a Greek god that scratches itself a lot and spits brown, rusty tobacco water and refuses to sign autographs for all the little Greek kids unless they pay him lots of drachmas. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
2nd Runner-Up:
I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don't speak German. Anyway, it's a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don't know the name for those either. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)
1st Runner-Up:
She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that you can't sing worth a damn. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
And the winner of the framed Scarlet Fever sign:
His fountain pen was so expensive it looked as if someone had grabbed the pope, turned him upside down and started writing with the tip of his big pointy hat. (Jeffrey Carl, Richmond)
Honorable Mentions:
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington)
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid>55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quid>aaakk/ch@ung by mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. (Jennifer Frank and Jimmy Pontzer, Washington and Sterling)
After sending in my entries for the Style Invitational, I feel relieved and apprehensive, like a little boy who has just wet his bed. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)
4th Runner-Up:
Oooo, he smells bad, she thought, as bad as Calvin Klein's Obsession would smell if it were called Enema and was made from spoiled Spamburgers instead of natural floral fragrances. (Jennifer Frank, Washington, and Jimmy Pontzer, Sterling)
3rd Runner-Up:
The baseball player stepped out of the box and spit like a fountain statue of a Greek god that scratches itself a lot and spits brown, rusty tobacco water and refuses to sign autographs for all the little Greek kids unless they pay him lots of drachmas. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
2nd Runner-Up:
I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it, like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don't speak German. Anyway, it's a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic gizmos that close your bread bags. I don't know the name for those either. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)
1st Runner-Up:
She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top of that you can't sing worth a damn. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
And the winner of the framed Scarlet Fever sign:
His fountain pen was so expensive it looked as if someone had grabbed the pope, turned him upside down and started writing with the tip of his big pointy hat. (Jeffrey Carl, Richmond)
Honorable Mentions:
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington)
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid>55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quid>aaakk/ch@ung by mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. (Jennifer Frank and Jimmy Pontzer, Washington and Sterling)
After sending in my entries for the Style Invitational, I feel relieved and apprehensive, like a little boy who has just wet his bed. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Nice Leave Applications
See how people write leave Applications. It's murder of English language. But Too Funny. Just Read It.
The Leave Applications ;-)
Infosys, Bangalore
An employee applied for leave as follows:
"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife , please sanction me one-week leave."
Oracle Bangalore
From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:
"As I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days."
Another gem from CDAC
Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave."
H.A.L. Administration Department
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."
Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
An incident of a leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."
A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining , please grant me leave for the day."
Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."
Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above , please refer to my below..."
Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home, I may be granted leave."
Letter writing:
"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."
A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'. As I am both(!!) for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.
The Leave Applications ;-)
Infosys, Bangalore
An employee applied for leave as follows:
"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife , please sanction me one-week leave."
Oracle Bangalore
From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:
"As I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days."
Another gem from CDAC
Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave."
H.A.L. Administration Department
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."
Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
An incident of a leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."
A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining , please grant me leave for the day."
Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."
Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above , please refer to my below..."
Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home, I may be granted leave."
Letter writing:
"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."
A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'. As I am both(!!) for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.
Sipping vodka
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for this is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for this is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Why wedding dresses are white?
A son asked his mother the following question,'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?'
The mother looks at her son and replies,'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and takes him on a walkabout.
He shows him the fridge and asks him what is the colour, to which the son replies,'WHITE'.
He does the same for the dishwasher, the washing machine, the stove, etc, etc.
Then he tells the son,'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
The mother looks at her son and replies,'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and takes him on a walkabout.
He shows him the fridge and asks him what is the colour, to which the son replies,'WHITE'.
He does the same for the dishwasher, the washing machine, the stove, etc, etc.
Then he tells the son,'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
Monday, February 09, 2009
New Initiative - Employee Happiness Kit
NOTICE TO ALL EMPLOYEES!
All personnel will now be required to look happy while working. Company-approved supplies will be provided to each employee at little or no cost.
* Workloads getting to you?
* Feeling stressed?
* Too many priorities and assignments?
Here is the new low-cost, company-approved solution to cope with multiple priorities and assignments!
Each employee will be supplied 2 paper clips and rubber bands. (See Fig 1.)
Fig 1.
Assemble items as shown in Fig 2.
Fig 2.
Apply as shown in Fig 3.
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Fig 3.
Enjoy your day. This new office equipment will help you reach the end of a productive work day with a smile on your face!
The Management
All personnel will now be required to look happy while working. Company-approved supplies will be provided to each employee at little or no cost.
* Workloads getting to you?
* Feeling stressed?
* Too many priorities and assignments?
Here is the new low-cost, company-approved solution to cope with multiple priorities and assignments!
Each employee will be supplied 2 paper clips and rubber bands. (See Fig 1.)
Fig 1.Assemble items as shown in Fig 2.
Fig 2.Apply as shown in Fig 3.
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Fig 3.Enjoy your day. This new office equipment will help you reach the end of a productive work day with a smile on your face!
The Management
Only a mother would know!
Cup of Tea.
One day, my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know.. :)
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?
One day, my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know.. :)
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?
Friday, February 06, 2009
Short Story - When Opportunity knocks
A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money. Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.' The robber then shot him in the temper , killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!'
Moral: When Opportunity knocks.... MAKE USE OF IT !!!!
The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.' The robber then shot him in the temper , killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!'
Moral: When Opportunity knocks.... MAKE USE OF IT !!!!
Poor Husband
A wife mentioned to her husband that for her birthday, she would like something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in four seconds. She was expecting something like this........
But her husband presented her with something very different...
The husband is in a critical state ,but in a stable condition in ICU
But her husband presented her with something very different...
[Scroll down]
The husband is in a critical state ,but in a stable condition in ICU
Nice one
A little boy wanted $50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.
Finally he decided to write God a letter requesting the $50.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, United States of America, they decided to forward it to the President as a joke.
The President was so amused that he instructed his aide to send the little boy $50.
The aide thought this would appear to be a lot of money ($50) to a little boy and did not want to spoil the kid. So he sent $20
The little boy was delighted with $20, and decided to write a thank you note to God, which read:
"Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that you sent it through the White House and those donkeys deducted $30 as tax."
Finally he decided to write God a letter requesting the $50.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, United States of America, they decided to forward it to the President as a joke.
The President was so amused that he instructed his aide to send the little boy $50.
The aide thought this would appear to be a lot of money ($50) to a little boy and did not want to spoil the kid. So he sent $20
The little boy was delighted with $20, and decided to write a thank you note to God, which read:
"Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that you sent it through the White House and those donkeys deducted $30 as tax."
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
A man and his beer (can) are never parted
When a realtor tried to enter a townhouse recently, he had trouble opening the front door. There was some sort of blockage which he later discovered was more than 70,000 beer cans, piled nearly to the ceiling. You got to see this to believe it.
Pigeonrank - The technology behind Google's great results
Check this April Fool's spoof on PageRank by Google at this location
Abstract from the site
As a Google user, you're familiar with the speed and accuracy of a Google search. How exactly does Google manage to find the right results for every query as quickly as it does? The heart of Google's search technology is PigeonRank™, a system for ranking web pages developed by Google founders Larry Page and Sergey Brin at Stanford University.
Building upon the breakthrough work of B. F. Skinner, Page and Brin reasoned that low cost pigeon clusters (PCs) could be used to compute the relative value of web pages faster than human editors or machine-based algorithms. And while Google has dozens of engineers working to improve every aspect of our service on a daily basis, PigeonRank continues to provide the basis for all of our web search tools
Abstract from the site
As a Google user, you're familiar with the speed and accuracy of a Google search. How exactly does Google manage to find the right results for every query as quickly as it does? The heart of Google's search technology is PigeonRank™, a system for ranking web pages developed by Google founders Larry Page and Sergey Brin at Stanford University.
Building upon the breakthrough work of B. F. Skinner, Page and Brin reasoned that low cost pigeon clusters (PCs) could be used to compute the relative value of web pages faster than human editors or machine-based algorithms. And while Google has dozens of engineers working to improve every aspect of our service on a daily basis, PigeonRank continues to provide the basis for all of our web search tools
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
Ode to a partner by a woman and a man
A WOMAN'S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
A MANS POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
A MANS POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Gone are the days!
When the school reopened in June,
And we settled in our new desks and benches!
When we queued up in book depot,
And got our new books and notes!
When we wanted two Sundays and no Mondays, yet
managed to line up daily for the morning prayers.
We learnt writing with slates and pencils, and
Progressed To fountain pens and ball pens and then Micro tips!
When we began drawing with crayons and evolved to
Color pencils and finally sketch pens!
When we started calculating
first with tables and then with
Clarke's tables and advanced to
Calculators and computers!
When we chased one another in thecorridors in Intervals,
and returned to the classrooms drenched in sweat!
When we had lunch in classrooms, corridors,
Playgrounds, under the trees and even in cycle sheds!
When all the colors in the world,
Decorated the campus on the Second Saturdays!
When a single P.T. period in the week's Time Table,
Was awaited more eagerly than the monsoons!
When cricket was played with writing pads as bats,
And Neckties and socks rolled into balls!
When few played "kabadi" and "Kho-Kho" in scorching sun,
While others simply played "book cricket" in the
Confines of classroom!
Of fights but no conspiracies,
Of Competitions but seldom jealousy!
When we used to watch Live Cricket telecast,
In the opposite house in Intervals and Lunch breaks!
When few rushed at 3:45 to "Conquer" window seats in our School bus!
While few others had "Big Fun", "peppermint",
"Kulfi", "milk ice!" and "sharbat!" at 4:00 Clock!
Gone are the days
Of Sports Day, and the annual School Day,
And the one-month long preparations for them.
Gone are the days
Of the stressful Quarterly,
Half Yearly and Annual Exams,
And the most enjoyed holidays after them!
Gone are the days
Of tenth and twelfth standards, when
we spent almost the whole year writing revision tests!
We learnt,
We enjoyed,
We played,
We won,
We lost,
We laughed,
We cried,
We fought,
We thought.
With so much fun in them, so many friends,
So much experience, all this and more!
Gone are the days
When we used to talk for hours with our friends!
Now we don't have time to say a `Hi'!
Gone are the days
When we played games on the road!
Now we code on the road with laptop!
Gone are the days
When we saw stars shining at Night!
Now we see stars when our code doesn't work!
Gone are the days
When we sat to chat with Friends on grounds!
Now we chat in chat rooms.....!
Gone are the days
Where we studied just to pass!
Now we study to save our job!
Gone are the days
Where we had no money in our pockets and still fun filled on our hearts!!
Now we have the ATM as well as credit card but with an empty heart!!
Gone are the days
Where we shouted on the road!
Now we don't shout even at home
Gone are the days
Where we got lectures from all!
Now we give lectures to all... like the one I'm doing now....!!
Gone are the days
But not the memories, which will be
Lingering in our hearts for ever and ever and
Ever and ever and ever.....
Gone are the Days....
But still there are lot more Days to come in our Life!!
NO MATTER HOW BUSY YOU ARE,
DONT FORGET TO LIVE THE LIFE THAT STILL EXISTS......
And we settled in our new desks and benches!
When we queued up in book depot,
And got our new books and notes!
When we wanted two Sundays and no Mondays, yet
managed to line up daily for the morning prayers.
We learnt writing with slates and pencils, and
Progressed To fountain pens and ball pens and then Micro tips!
When we began drawing with crayons and evolved to
Color pencils and finally sketch pens!
When we started calculating
first with tables and then with
Clarke's tables and advanced to
Calculators and computers!
When we chased one another in thecorridors in Intervals,
and returned to the classrooms drenched in sweat!
When we had lunch in classrooms, corridors,
Playgrounds, under the trees and even in cycle sheds!
When all the colors in the world,
Decorated the campus on the Second Saturdays!
When a single P.T. period in the week's Time Table,
Was awaited more eagerly than the monsoons!
When cricket was played with writing pads as bats,
And Neckties and socks rolled into balls!
When few played "kabadi" and "Kho-Kho" in scorching sun,
While others simply played "book cricket" in the
Confines of classroom!
Of fights but no conspiracies,
Of Competitions but seldom jealousy!
When we used to watch Live Cricket telecast,
In the opposite house in Intervals and Lunch breaks!
When few rushed at 3:45 to "Conquer" window seats in our School bus!
While few others had "Big Fun", "peppermint",
"Kulfi", "milk ice!" and "sharbat!" at 4:00 Clock!
Gone are the days
Of Sports Day, and the annual School Day,
And the one-month long preparations for them.
Gone are the days
Of the stressful Quarterly,
Half Yearly and Annual Exams,
And the most enjoyed holidays after them!
Gone are the days
Of tenth and twelfth standards, when
we spent almost the whole year writing revision tests!
We learnt,
We enjoyed,
We played,
We won,
We lost,
We laughed,
We cried,
We fought,
We thought.
With so much fun in them, so many friends,
So much experience, all this and more!
Gone are the days
When we used to talk for hours with our friends!
Now we don't have time to say a `Hi'!
Gone are the days
When we played games on the road!
Now we code on the road with laptop!
Gone are the days
When we saw stars shining at Night!
Now we see stars when our code doesn't work!
Gone are the days
When we sat to chat with Friends on grounds!
Now we chat in chat rooms.....!
Gone are the days
Where we studied just to pass!
Now we study to save our job!
Gone are the days
Where we had no money in our pockets and still fun filled on our hearts!!
Now we have the ATM as well as credit card but with an empty heart!!
Gone are the days
Where we shouted on the road!
Now we don't shout even at home
Gone are the days
Where we got lectures from all!
Now we give lectures to all... like the one I'm doing now....!!
Gone are the days
But not the memories, which will be
Lingering in our hearts for ever and ever and
Ever and ever and ever.....
Gone are the Days....
But still there are lot more Days to come in our Life!!
NO MATTER HOW BUSY YOU ARE,
DONT FORGET TO LIVE THE LIFE THAT STILL EXISTS......
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Smart Old Man!
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by check."
"I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by check."
"I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Friday, January 16, 2009
Woman's Diary Vs Man's Diary
HER DIARY
Tonight, I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a cafe to have some coffee.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love u, too."
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV.; he seemed distant and absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed.
I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.
I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
Today India lost the cricket match against Bangladesh. DAMN IT.
Tonight, I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a cafe to have some coffee.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love u, too."
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV.; he seemed distant and absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed.
I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.
I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
Today India lost the cricket match against Bangladesh. DAMN IT.
Top 21 things an Indian does after returning from abroad especially from US
21. Tries to use a credit card at a side hotel.
20. Drinks and carries mineral water and always speaks of being health conscious.
19. Sprays deo so that he doesn't need to take a bath.
18. Sneezes and says 'Excuse me'.
17. Says "Hey" instead of "Hi".
says "Yogurt" instead says "Curd".
Says "Cab" instead of "Taxi".
Says "Candy" instead of "Chocolate".
Says "Cookie" instead of "Biscuit".
Says "Free Way" instead of "Highway".
Says "Got to go" instead of "Have to go".
Says "Oh" instead of "Zero", (for 704, says Seven Oh Four Instead of Seven Zero Four)
16. Doesn't forget to crib about air pollution. Keeps cribbing every time he steps out.
15. Says all the distances in Miles (Not in Kilo Meters), and counts in Millions. (Not in Lakhs)
14. Tries to figure all the prices in Dollars as far as possible (but deep down the heart converts to rupees).
13. Tries to see the % of fat on the cover of a milk pocket.
12. When need to say Z (zed), never says Z (Zed), repeats "Zee" several times, if the other person unable to get, then says X, Y Zee (but never says Zed)
11. Writes date as MM/DD/YYYY, on watching traditional DD/MM/YYYY, says "Oh! British Style!!!!"
10. Makes fun of Indian Standard Time and Indian Road Conditions.
9. Even after 2 months, complains about "Jet Lag".
8. Avoids eating more chili and (hot) stuff.
7. Tries to drink "Diet Coke", instead of normal Coke.
6. Tries to complain about anything in India as if he is experiencing it for the first time.
5. Pronounces "schedule" as "skejule", and "module" as "mojule"..
4. Looks speciously towards Hotel/Dhaba food.
Few more important
3. Does not remove the airline stickers from the luggage bag, by which he has traveled back to India, even after 4 months of arrival.
2. Takes the cabin luggage bag to short visits in India, tries to roll the bag on Indian Roads.
Ultimate one
1. Tries to begin conversation with "In US ...." or "When I was in US..."
20. Drinks and carries mineral water and always speaks of being health conscious.
19. Sprays deo so that he doesn't need to take a bath.
18. Sneezes and says 'Excuse me'.
17. Says "Hey" instead of "Hi".
says "Yogurt" instead says "Curd".
Says "Cab" instead of "Taxi".
Says "Candy" instead of "Chocolate".
Says "Cookie" instead of "Biscuit".
Says "Free Way" instead of "Highway".
Says "Got to go" instead of "Have to go".
Says "Oh" instead of "Zero", (for 704, says Seven Oh Four Instead of Seven Zero Four)
16. Doesn't forget to crib about air pollution. Keeps cribbing every time he steps out.
15. Says all the distances in Miles (Not in Kilo Meters), and counts in Millions. (Not in Lakhs)
14. Tries to figure all the prices in Dollars as far as possible (but deep down the heart converts to rupees).
13. Tries to see the % of fat on the cover of a milk pocket.
12. When need to say Z (zed), never says Z (Zed), repeats "Zee" several times, if the other person unable to get, then says X, Y Zee (but never says Zed)
11. Writes date as MM/DD/YYYY, on watching traditional DD/MM/YYYY, says "Oh! British Style!!!!"
10. Makes fun of Indian Standard Time and Indian Road Conditions.
9. Even after 2 months, complains about "Jet Lag".
8. Avoids eating more chili and (hot) stuff.
7. Tries to drink "Diet Coke", instead of normal Coke.
6. Tries to complain about anything in India as if he is experiencing it for the first time.
5. Pronounces "schedule" as "skejule", and "module" as "mojule"..
4. Looks speciously towards Hotel/Dhaba food.
Few more important
3. Does not remove the airline stickers from the luggage bag, by which he has traveled back to India, even after 4 months of arrival.
2. Takes the cabin luggage bag to short visits in India, tries to roll the bag on Indian Roads.
Ultimate one
1. Tries to begin conversation with "In US ...." or "When I was in US..."
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Clever Pakistani Beggar
Asif Ali and Pervez are beggars. They beg in different areas of London .
Pervez begs just as long as Asif Ali but only collects £2 to £3 every day.
Asif Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes,
Lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Pervez says to Asif Ali 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do
You bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'
AsifAli says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Pervez's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.
AsifAli says 'No wonder you only get £2- £3
Pervez says... 'So what does your sign say'?
Asif Ali shows Pervez his sign....
It reads, 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan '..
Pervez begs just as long as Asif Ali but only collects £2 to £3 every day.
Asif Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes,
Lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Pervez says to Asif Ali 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do
You bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'
AsifAli says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Pervez's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.
AsifAli says 'No wonder you only get £2- £3
Pervez says... 'So what does your sign say'?
Asif Ali shows Pervez his sign....
It reads, 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan '..
Tragedy, Accident or Great Loss?
President George Bush is visiting an Elementary school today and he visits one of the classes.
They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, 'tragedy.'
So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a 'tragedy.'
One little boy stands up and offers, 'If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy.'
'No,' says Bush, 'that would be an ACCIDENT.'
A little girl raises her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not,' explains Mr. President, 'That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS.'
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, 'If Air Force One carrying Mr.& Mrs. Bush, were struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic,' exclaims Bush, 'that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a TRAGEDY?'
'Well,' says the boy, 'because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss.'
They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, 'tragedy.'
So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a 'tragedy.'
One little boy stands up and offers, 'If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy.'
'No,' says Bush, 'that would be an ACCIDENT.'
A little girl raises her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy.'
'I'm afraid not,' explains Mr. President, 'That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS.'
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, 'If Air Force One carrying Mr.& Mrs. Bush, were struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic,' exclaims Bush, 'that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a TRAGEDY?'
'Well,' says the boy, 'because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss.'
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Satyam Nursery Rhymes
Raju Raju sat on the wall
Raju Raju had a great fall
Balance sheet died
Shareholders cried
Raju Raju made a fraud
Raju Raju
Yes Papa
Cheating us
No Papa
Telling Lies
No Papa
Open the balance sheet
Ha Ha Ha
Raju Raju had a great fall
Balance sheet died
Shareholders cried
Raju Raju made a fraud
Raju Raju
Yes Papa
Cheating us
No Papa
Telling Lies
No Papa
Open the balance sheet
Ha Ha Ha
Monday, January 12, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
A Violinist in the Metro
A man sat at a metro station in Washington DC and started to play the
violin; it was a cold January morning. He played six Bach pieces for about
45 minutes. During that time, since it was rush hour, it was calculated that
thousand of people went through the station, most of them on their way to
work.
Three minutes went by and a middle aged man noticed there was musician
playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried
up to meet his schedule.
A minute later, the violinist received his first dollar tip: a woman threw
the money in the till and without stopping continued to walk.
A few minutes later, someone leaned against the wall to listen to him, but
the man looked at his watch and started to walk again. Clearly he was late
for work.
The one who paid the most attention was a 3 year old boy. His mother tagged
him along, hurried but the kid stopped to look at the violinist. Finally the
mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk turning his head all the
time. This action was repeated by several other children. All the parents,
without exception, forced them to move on.
In the 45 minutes the musician played, only 6 people stopped and stayed for
a while. About 20 gave him money but continued to walk their normal pace. He
collected $32. When he finished playing and silence took over, no one
noticed it. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.
No one knew this but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the best
musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever
written with a violin worth 3.5 million dollars.
Two days before his playing in the subway, Joshua Bell sold out at a theater
in Boston and the seats average $100.
This is a real story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was
organized by the Washington Post as part of an social experiment about
perception, taste and priorities of people. The outlines were: in a
commonplace environment at an inappropriate hour: Do we perceive beauty? Do
we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize the talent in an unexpected
context?
One of the possible conclusions from this experience could be:
If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians
in the world playing the best music ever written, how many other things are
we missing?
Video and audio of the performance are available on the Washington Post website.
violin; it was a cold January morning. He played six Bach pieces for about
45 minutes. During that time, since it was rush hour, it was calculated that
thousand of people went through the station, most of them on their way to
work.
Three minutes went by and a middle aged man noticed there was musician
playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried
up to meet his schedule.
A minute later, the violinist received his first dollar tip: a woman threw
the money in the till and without stopping continued to walk.
A few minutes later, someone leaned against the wall to listen to him, but
the man looked at his watch and started to walk again. Clearly he was late
for work.
The one who paid the most attention was a 3 year old boy. His mother tagged
him along, hurried but the kid stopped to look at the violinist. Finally the
mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk turning his head all the
time. This action was repeated by several other children. All the parents,
without exception, forced them to move on.
In the 45 minutes the musician played, only 6 people stopped and stayed for
a while. About 20 gave him money but continued to walk their normal pace. He
collected $32. When he finished playing and silence took over, no one
noticed it. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.
No one knew this but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the best
musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever
written with a violin worth 3.5 million dollars.
Two days before his playing in the subway, Joshua Bell sold out at a theater
in Boston and the seats average $100.
This is a real story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was
organized by the Washington Post as part of an social experiment about
perception, taste and priorities of people. The outlines were: in a
commonplace environment at an inappropriate hour: Do we perceive beauty? Do
we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize the talent in an unexpected
context?
One of the possible conclusions from this experience could be:
If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians
in the world playing the best music ever written, how many other things are
we missing?
Video and audio of the performance are available on the Washington Post website.
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