Clinton Deploys Vowels to Balkans

Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients

Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A, E, I, O and U.

"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been butchered by millions around the world," Clinton said.

"Today, the United States must finally stand up and say 'Enough."

The deployment, dubbed by the State Dept, "Operation Vowel Movement" is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients.

Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities.

Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels.

"I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I have six children and none of them has an intelligible name.

The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92-thousand consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L's, S's and T's. The consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast quantities of the letters were intercepted and hoarded by violent, gun-toting warlords.