Notice Board in Bihar

The economics of marriage

A young and pretty lady is supposed to have posted this on a popular forum:

Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?

I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York. My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married? I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you? Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden, $250k annual income is not enough.

I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:
1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
2) Which age group should I target?
3) Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I've met a few girls who don't have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys
4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (My target now is to get married)

Ms. Pretty

Here's a reply from a Wall Street Financial guy:

Dear Ms. Pretty,

I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyze your situation as a professional investor. My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here. From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain. Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of "beauty" and "money": Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square. However, there's a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year. Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worried 10 years later.

By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a "trading position". If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term - same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or "leased". Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income. This has better chance than finding a rich fool.

Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in "leasing" services, do contact me…

Signed,
J.P.Morgan

Ultra Fast - Do The Dew

Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $5.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes, (brown and black) are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet with one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

Deja Vu?

In 1986, Mike Hogan was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mike approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mike worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the
elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mike stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mike never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mike was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mike and his son Owen were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mike, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mike couldn't help wondering if his was the same elephant. Mike summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mike's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.



It probably wasn't the same elephant!

Indian Idol at its best

Get healed of English grammar and syntax

Frustrations of a married man

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting pink dress, sleeveless with straps. he was wearing his usual jeans and t-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. noticing the wife, the gorilla immediately went crazy. he jumped on the bars and, holding on with one hand and 2 feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. he was obviously very excited by the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. he suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. she played along and the gorilla got extremely excited, now making noises that would wake the dead.

Then, the husband suggested that she let one of her dress straps fall to show a little more skin. she did ... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down!

"Now, show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. this drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips and charging the bars!

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla, slammed the cage door shut and said, "now, tell him you have a headache and you are not in the mood now!! "

True Computer Nerd

That One Minute

Once, a smart software engineer and his project manager were traveling towards Ooty in a train. Just opposite to their seat, a beautiful girl was sitting along with her grandma. Within some time, eye-eye interactions started between our software engineer and the girl. After some minutes, the train started moving into a tunnel and it was very dark.

Suddenly, every body heard a kiss sound followed by a sound of slapping. Everybody remained silent, when the train came out of the tunnel. Grandma thought, "The guy is a rogue; how dare he? He has kissed my granddaughter! But my granddaughter immediately slapped that guy."

The project manager thought, "I can't believe that this guy kissed that girl! But it is unfair that she slapped me by mistake"

The girl thought, "I feel happy, when that guy kissed me, but I feel sorry that my grandma slapped him".

Finally, do u know what our clever software engineer thought?

"This *one minute* in my life is wonderful. It's a rare moment. I have kissed a girl and slapped my project manager at the same time"

Difference - Men and Women

TWO WOMEN TALKING:

Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.

Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

TWO MEN TALKING

Man 1: Haircut?

Man 2: Yeah.

Performance Pressure

Rakshabandhan dress code

ना रहेगा हाथ.. न बंधेगी राखी

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful and loving couple!" A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once'."

"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' "We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled the third time. My wife quietly took out a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

"I started an angry protest over her treatment to the horse, while I was shouting; she looked at me, and quietly said, 'That's once'

Vegas!

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"
The hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap, no hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes." Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
The guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but, he feels he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and show places?"
"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

How To Wash a T-Shirt

Kosovo in a Nutshell

Now let me make sure you understand this. It's pretty complicated.

Listen closely: We've got troops (i.e. young Americans who have volunteered to risk their lives defending American freedom and independence, in exchange for the chance to learn electronic repair and to drive tanks) in Bosnia because the Bosnian Muslims were mistakenly included in Yugoslavia by the victorious allies when they broke up Austria-Hungary in 1918. Or maybe the Austro-Hungarians made the mistake when they took Bosnia and Herzegovina from the Ottoman Turkish Empire in 1906 and gave it a hyphenated name because the Austrians spoke German and like to shove words together, like Austro-Hungarian. Anyway, Woodrow Wilson and the boys shoved the -people- together, and that was definitely a mistake.

Herzegovina was inhabited by Croats, who are basically Serbs who are Catholics instead of Orthodox and who write their dialect of Serbian using Latin letters instead of Cyrillic. This looks less funny to us, so they must be the good guys and the Serbians are bad. (Maybe it's that the Serbians write their dialect of -Croatian- in those weird Russian letters, which is even more perverse; they're definitely the Bad Guys.)

So we bravely side with the Bosnians and the Croats against Serbia, until the Croats cheat by massacring Bosnians. That's why we had to send in troops, right, because everybody was massacring Bosnians? And the Bosnians couldn't fight back because the UN wouldn't let anybody sell them guns, on the grounds that if nobody had guns nobody could shoot anybody there. Somehow the UN forgot that the Serbians and the Croats already had lots of guns; only the Bosnians really needed them.

OK, so now three years or so after our strictly limited one-year peacekeeping mission to save the noble Bosnians (who only go out and slaughter Serbs and Croats when they manage to get guns) from the Evil Serbs (who already have lots of guns and so slaughter Croats and Bosnians all the time) and the Semi-Evil Croats (who slaughter Serbs whenever they can but would rather slaughter Bosnians because they don't have so many guns) -- after all this time, we still have Our Brave Boys (and Girls, and, er.. don't ask, don't tell) over there Doing A Wonderful Job of Nation-Building.
We're still there after three years, of course, because as soon as we leave, some of the Bosnians might get guns and start to slaughter the Serbs, who will start to slaughter the Croats and Bosnians as soon as we leave, using the excuse that the Croats have started to slaughter the Serbians and even some Bosnians without guns because the Bosnians who have guns are slaughtering Croats and Serbians.

Fine. Just fine. I think I'm starting to understand it. Now Albania, just southwest of Serbia, I mean Yugoslavia, I mean Serbia, has been slaughtering anybody who tried to climb their mountains for at least the last thousand years. In the off-season they practice by slaughtering each other. They still hate the Turks for invading them in 1388, so even though they're all Muslims because of half a millennium of Turkish rule, they still slaughter Turks every chance they get. They will run across the street for a chance to slaughter a Turk (and I'm told this is more dangerous in Tirana than mountain climbing).

Some Albanians, though, live in Kosovo, which is part of Yugoslavia, I mean Serbia. They want to live in Albania instead of Yugoslavia, because they're not Slavs and besides there's less sport in slaughtering Slavs when you're part of their country. So there's a Marxist guerrilla group fighting for independence for Kosovo so it can immediately join Albania, which got rid of its own Marxists in 1991.

The Serbs, meanwhile, being Bad Guys, since they can't slaughter quite as many Bosnians and Croats while the Yankees are watching, have decided to slaughter Kosovar Albanians instead, both for the Glory of Serbian History - the Serbs heroically fought the Turks there in 1389; Kosovo is to Serbs what the Alamo is to Texans, except that the Serbs lost the war and were part of the Turkish Empire for the next 400 years-and because several thousand Serbs moved there in 1995 when they got tired of living in Croatia and being slaughtered.

So now we've got the Bad Guys not letting some Marxist guerillas break up their country, and obviously we have to do something to make everybody sit down and talk it over in calm reasonable tones and go play golf together and do Male Bonding and live happily ever after and make the Kosovars settle for autonomy (which they don't want) instead of independence (which they do), and make the Evil Serbs grant them autonomy (which the Serbs don't want to do) instead of slaughtering them (which the Serbs do want to do). So that's why NATO ...

NATO!? What the hell is NATO doing in this all of a sudden?
Well, don't you see, NATO has to maintain peace and civilization in Europe...
What? I thought it was just to keep the Russians from coming down the Champs-Elysee in their tanks...

Please! If we accepted that, of course, NATO would have to be disbanded now that the Red Army is selling its AK47s and fur hats on streetcorners in Leningrad, I mean Saint Petersburg. And if we disbanded NATO, thousands of bureaucrats in Washington and Berlin and Paris and London and Brussels would be out of work, and they don't have any AK47s to sell on streetcorners so the human cost would be terrible. NATO's mission is now to promote love and peace throughout Europe; that's why we let in Poland and the rest. It's like a Certificate of Appreciation on the wall saying you're a Good Country now. These new little countries were so happy to get their NATO merit badges, isn't it wonderful?

But what about the promise to go to war if anybody attacks a member, isn't that a pretty serious commitment? I mean, all those border disputes between Poland and...

Please! Nobody is about to go to war with any of our members; that's the whole problem. But we've fixed that. As I was saying, that's why NATO had to bomb the Serbians. To let them know that if they don't accept our Peace and Love, we'll shove it right down their throats...

Sorry. Anyway, if they don't accept our Pan-European Peace and Love, we'll keep slaughtering them until they do.

OK, so that's why we're playing God over there where ethnic massacres have been a family tradition for the last thousand years, and dropping a couple of billion dollars worth of American ordnance on them...

Don't fret about all that. Remember the surplus; if we didn't spend it blowing up Serbs, we'd just have to do something else with it. We can't just give it back to the taxpayers, after all; they might not spend it right.

Wonderful. I think I understand now. What a relief... Just one question:

How come all the Serbians and Croats and Bosnians and Albanians in Chicago and Detroit and Pittsburgh can live together so peacefully?

Sky Wars!

Funny Joke

Teacher: 'A' for?
Student: Apple !!!
Teacher: जोर से बोलो
Student: जय माता दी

The North South Divide

WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A NORTH INDIAN GIRL AS A WIFE IF U R A SOUTH INDIAN MAN

1. At The Time Of Marriage, A North Indian Girl Has More Boyfriends Than Her Age.

2. Before Marriage, She Looks Almost Like A Bollywood Heroine And After Marriage You Have To Go Around Her Twice To Completely Hug Her.

3. By The Time She Professes Her Undevoted Love To You, You Are Bankrupt - Because Of The Number Of Times You Had To Take Her Out To Movie Theatres And Restaurants. And, You Wait Longingly For Her Dowry.

4. The Only Dishes She Can Think Of To Cook Is Paneer Butter Masala, Aloo Sabji, Aloo Mattar, Aloo Gobi Sabji, Aloo Paneer, That After Eating All Those Aloos And Paneers You Are Either Alone In Bed With With Chronic Cholestral Or Chronic Gas Disorder.

5. The Only Growth That You See Later In Your Career Is The Rise In Your Monthly Phone Bill.

6. You Are Blinded By Her Love That You Think That She Is A Blonde. Only Later Do You Come To Know That It Is Because Of The Mehndi She Applies To Cover Her Grey Hair.

7. When You Come Home From Office She Is Very Busy Watching "Kyonki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi" That You Either End Up Eating Out Or Start Cooking Yourself.

8. You Are A Very "Especial" Person To Her.

9. She Always Thought That Madras Is A State And Covers All Of South India Till She Met You.

10. When She Says She Is Going To "Work Out" She Means She Is Going To "Walk Out !!"

11. She Has Greater Number Of Relatives Than The Number Of People You Have In Your Home Town .

12. The Only Two Sentences In English That She Knows Are "Thank You" And "How Are You?"

13. She Thinks Govinda Can Dance Better Than Michael Jackson.



WHAT IT MEANS TO HAVE A SOUTH INDIAN GIRL AS A WIFE IF YOU ARE A NORTH INDIAN MAN

1. Her Mother Looks Down At You Because You Didn't Study In IIT Or Madras/Anna University.

2. Her Father Starts Or Ends Every Conversation With " ... I Say..."

3. She Shudders If You Use Four Letter Words.

4. She Has Long Hair, Neatly Oiled And Braided. (The Dubai Based Oil Well Co. Will Negotite With Her On A 25 Year Contract To Extract Coconut Oil From Her Hair).

5. She Uses The Word 'Super' As Her Only Superlative.

6. Her Name Is Another Name For A Goddess Or A Flower.

7. Her First Name Is Longer Than Your First Name, Middle Name And Surname Combined (Unless You Are From Andhra).

8. When She Mixes Milk/Curd And Rice You Are Never Sure Whether It Is For The Dog Or For Herself.

9. For Weddings, She Sports A Mini Jasmine Garden On Her Head And Wears Silk Sarees In The Madras Heat Without Looking Too Uncomfortable.

10. She Thinks Rajnikanth Is The Sexiest Man Alive.

11. Her Favourite Cricketer Is Krishnamachari Srikkanth.

12. Her Favourite Food Is Dosa Though She Has Tried North Indian Snacks Like Chats (Pronounced Like The Slang For 'Conversation').

13. She Bursts Into Songs With Her Cousins In Every Movie.

14. She Bores You By Telling You Which Raaga Each Song You Hear Is Based On.

15. You Have To Give Her Jewellery, Though She Has Already Got Plenty Of It.

16. Her Thali (Mangal Sutra) Weighs More Than The Championship Belts Worn By WWF Wrestlers.

17. She Is More Educated Than You. (This Is Really Scary !).

18. Her Father Thinks She Is Much Smarter Than You. (Double Scary…!!).

Classic Microsoft Vista Error

Women are dangerously intelligent

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.
The wife answers: "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl!!!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how the trip was?"
"Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" She asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"
"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait for few months to see if it is a girl!!!"

Moral of the story: Don't tempt a woman, they are dangerously intelligent!

Gotcha - Fun while working

Monty Python's Parrot Sketch

Name Confusion

A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for an interview.
He asked her about the boys and what their names were
She said, "Johnnie".
"Right", he said, "what about that blond one over there?"
"Johnnie", she said.
"Oh, and the tall one with the freckles?"
"Johnnie", she said.
"Well, and the little chubby one with the baseball cap?"
"Johnnie", she said.
"Are all your boys called Johnnie?" he asked, "Isn't that terribly complicated?"
"Not at all", she said, "it makes everything very easy, actually."
When I shout: "Johnnie, tea is ready!, they all come.
When I say: "Johnnie, it`s time for bed!, they all go to bed."
"I see. But what if you want only one of them?"
"No problem." she answers, "Then I call them by their surnames."

Toilet Head Prank - Just for Laughs

Car Ad Wars

BMW started this Advertisement

Audi Answered

Subaru needs to say something

Bentley Chairman wanted the last word