The angels do their best to get our attention and to communicate with us. In this way, they help us heal our own lives. However, we often discount the signs that they give us, writing them off as mere coincidences or our imagination.
The angels say:
"We can't write our messages to you in the sky. You've got to pay attention and believe when you see any patterns forming in your life—especially in response to any questions or prayers that you've posed. When you hear the same song repeatedly or see the same number sequence, who do you think is behind
this? Your angels, of course
Number Sequences
Your angels often communicate messages to you by showing you sequences of numbers. They do this in two ways. First, they subtly whisper in your ear so that you'll look up in time to notice the clock's time or a phone number on a billboard. The angels hope you'll be aware that you're seeing this same number sequence repeatedly. For instance, you may frequently see the number sequence 111, and it seems that every time you look at a clock the time reads 1:11 or 11:11.
The second may in which the angels show you meaningful number sequences is by physically arranging for, say, a can to drive in front of you that has a specific license plate number they want you to see. Those who are aware of this phenomenon become adept at reading the meaning of various license plates. In this may, the angels will actually give you detailed messages (remember the Steve Martin character in the movie L.A. Story, where billboards kept giving him meaningful information)?
Here are the basic meanings of various number sequences. However, your own angels will tell you if your situation holds a different meaning for you. Ask your angels, "What are you trying to tell me?" and they'll happily give you additional information to help you decode their numeric meanings.
111—Monitor your thoughts carefully, and be sure to only think about what you want, not what you don't want. This sequence is a sign that there is a gate of opportunity opening up, and your thoughts are manifesting into form at record speeds. The 111 is like the bright light of a flashbulb. It means that the universe has just taken a snapshot of your thoughts and is manifesting them into form. Are you pleased with what thoughts the universe has captured? If not, correct your thoughts (ask your angels to help you with this if you have difficult controlling or monitoring your thoughts).
222—Your newly planted ideas are beginning to grow into reality. Keep watering and nurturing them, and soon they will push through the soil so you can see evidence of your manifestation. In other words, don't quit five minutes before the miracle. Your manifestation is soon going to be evident to you, so keep up the good work! Keep holding positive thoughts, keep affirming, and continue visualizing.
333—The ascended masters are near you, desiring you to know that you have their help, love, and companionship. Call upon the ascended masters often, especially when you see the number 3 patterns around you. Some of the more famous ascended masters include Jesus, Moses, Mary, Quan Yin, and Yogananda.
444—The angels are surrounding you now, reassuring you of their love and help. Don't worry because the angels' help is nearby.
555--Buckle your seatbelts, because a major life change is upon you. This change should not be viewed as being "positive" or "negative," since all change is but a natural part of life's flow. Perhaps this change is an answer to your prayers, so continue seeing and feeling yourself being at peace.
666—Your thoughts are out of balance right now, focused too much on the material world. This number sequence asks you to balance your thoughts between heaven and earth. Like the famous "Sermon on the Mount," the angels ask you to focus on spirit and service, and know that your material and emotional needs will automatically be met as a result.
777—The angels applaud you—congratulations, you're on a roll! Keep up the good work and know that your wish is coming
true. This is an extremely positive sign and means that you should also expect more miracles to occur.
888—A phase of your life is about to end, and this is a sign to give you forewarning so you can prepare. This number sequence may mean that you are winding up an emotional, career, or relationship phase. It also means that there is light at the end of the tunnel. In addition, it means, ''The crops me ripe. Don't wait to pick and enjoy them." In other words, don't procrastinate making your move or enjoying the fruits of your labor.
999—Completion. This is the end of a big phase in your personal or global life. Also, it is a message to lightworkers involved in Earth healing and means, "Get to work because Mother Earth needs you right now."
000— A reminder that you are one with God, and to feel the presence of your Creator's love within you. Also, it is a sign that a situation has gone full circle.
Number Combinations
The angels will often give you a message that involves a combination of two or more numbers. Here are the basic meanings of triple-digit, two-number combinations. If your messages contain three or more numbers, blend the answers from the different number combinations. For instance, if you continually notice the sequence 312, use the meaning of the 3 and 1 number combination, plus the 1 and 2 combination.
Or, if you feel guided, add the numbers together. Keep adding the subsequent digits together until you have a single-digit number. Then, look at the meaning for that particular number from the previously outlined list of number sequences that contain three identical numbers.
Combinations of 1's
1’s and 2's, such as 121 or 112—Our thoughts are like seeds that are beginning to sprout. You may have already seen some evidence of the fruition of your desires. These are signs that things will and are growing in your aspired direction. Keep the faith!
1's and 3's, such as 133 or 113—The ascended masters are working with you on your thought processes. In many ways, they are acting as mentors, teaching you the ancient wisdom involved in manifestation. They are sending you energy to keep you from feeling discouraged, and encouragement to stay focused on the true goals of your soul. Additionally, the ascended masters may be offering you advice. guidance, and suggestions on your life purpose. Always, however, they teach that every creation begins at the level of thought and idea. Ask them to help you choose wisely that which you want.
1's and 4's, such as 114 or 144—The angels are emphasizing strongly that you watch your thoughts right now. They counsel you to make a wish, as you are in a gateway that will manifest your thoughts right at this moment. (Note: 411 means "Ask the angels for some vital information that you need right now.")
1's and 5's, such as 115, or 551—Your thoughts are creating the changes in your life. Keep steering your thoughts in your desired direction. If the changes that you see forthcoming are not desired, you can stop or alter them by modifying your thoughts.
1's and 6's, such as 116 or 661—Keep your thoughts heavenward, and let go of materially minded worries. (Note: 611 means "Ask for help in repairing something in the material world that is irritating or bothering you right now.")
1's and 7's, such as 117 or 771—This is confirmation that you are doing great. You are on the right path, so keep going! This is a sign that you have chosen your thoughts well and that you should focus even more steadily on your objectives. Be sure to add appropriate emotions to your thoughts; for instance, feeling grateful for the gifts you have in life. Gratitude will speed the process of your manifestations.
1's and 8's, such as 181 or 818—You are nearing the end of a significant phase of your life. If you are tired of some part of your life, be glad that it will soon be healed or replaced with something better. Surrender and release those parts of your life that aren't working, as your thoughts of a better life are coming to pass.
1's and 9's, such as 119 or 199—A new door has opened for you as a product of your thoughts. You now have the opportunity to stare your thoughts in the face and come eye-to-eye with your own creations. Let the old fall away, as it is replaced with the new in accordance with your desires.
1's and 0's, such as 100 or 110—Powerful Divine guidance from God and the angels asks you to alter your thoughts. Perhaps you have been praying to be happier and healthier. If so, this is an answer to your prayers. God knows that the solution you seek is born within your thoughts. Ask God to guide the direction of your thoughts and support you during your time of transition.
Combinations of 2's:
2's and 1's, such as 221 or 112—Your thoughts are like seeds that are beginning to sprout. You may have already seen some evidence of the fruition of your desires. These are signs that things will and are growing in your aspired direction. Keep the faith!
2's and 3's, such as 223 or 323—The ascended masters are working with you as co-creators of your new project. They are telling you that they share your excitement and know that every-thing is working out well for you. The masters can see that your future is already guaranteed to be filled with the happiness you seek. Enjoy this new phase of your life!
2's and 4's, such as 224 or 244—As it says in the spiritual text, A Course in Miracles, "The angels nurse your newborn purpose." This is a sign that you have help from above in making your desired transitions. This is a time when you especially need to know that you're not alone. The 2 and 4 number sequences are a signal from your angels to tell you that they're working very closely with you right now.
2's and 5's, such as 255 or 225—Your prayers and intentions have been clear, strong, and without reservations; therefore, expect a change to come about faster than you may have fore-seen. Don't let it throw you when your wishes come true. They may come about in unexpected ways, so hold on to your faith. Talk to God often, and ask for reassurance.
2's and 6's, such as 266 or 226— A new purchase or acquisition is coming your way.
2's and 7's, such as 277 or 272—Have you recently applied for a new job, admission to a school, or a loan? These numbers signal good news. They ask you to hang tight and to not allow your faith to waver.
2's and 8's, such as 288 or 282—One door is beginning to open, and another door is beginning to close. Be sure to listen to your intuition very closely right now, as it will guide you to take steps that will ensure your steady abundance during these transitions.
2's and 9's, such as 299 or 292—If you've recently suffered a loss (job, lover, etc.), expect it to be replaced in the very near future. Everything is working in your favor, although there may be so much behind-the-scenes activity involved that you wonder if God has forgotten about you. Worry not! Feel the energy of your life, which is moving forward right now. You are not being punished by your recent loss. The universe is, instead, preparing you for newness.
2's and 0's, such as 200 or 202—God wants you to know that He has not forgotten or abandoned you. He loves you very, very much! In fact, God is orchestrating a wonderful new phase of your life. Talk to God often, and you'll feel this forthcoming miracle. God also reminds you of the importance of "Divine timing." Sometimes, certain factors need to fall into place first before your desired outcome can be reached. As long as you hold strong in your thoughts and faith, there is nothing blocking you from attaining your desire.
Combinations of 3's
3's and 1's, such as 311 or 313—The ascended masters are working with you on your thought processes. In many ways, they are acting as mentors, teaching you the ancient wisdom involved in manifestation. They are sending you energy to keep you from feeling discouraged, and encouragement to stay focused on the true goals of your soul. Additionally, the ascended masters may be offering you advice, guidance, and suggestions on your life purpose. Always, however, they teach that every creation begins at the level of thought and idea. Ask them to help you choose wisely that which you want.
3's and 2's, such as 322 or 332—The ascended masters are working with you as co-creators of your new project. They are telling you that they share your excitement and know that every-thing is working out well for you. The masters can see that your future is already guaranteed to be filled with the happiness you seek. Enjoy this new phase of your life!
3's and 4's, such as 334 or 344—You have a lot of help around you right now! Both the ascended masters and the angels are here to assist, guide, and love you. Reach out to them, as they are reaching out to you.
3's and 5's, such as 353 or 335—The ascended masters want to prepare you for a big life change that is imminent. They want you to know that they are holding your hand through this change and that everything will be all right. Embrace the change, and look for the blessings within it.
3's and 6's, such as 363 or 336—Your ascended masters are helping you manifest the material items you need for your Divine life purpose. Whether that means money for tuition or outlets for you to conduct your teaching or healing work, the masters are working to bring it to you. They want you to know that you deserve to receive this help, as it will better enable you to give to others.
3's and 7's, such as 377 or 373—The ascended masters are joyful. Not only do they see your true inner Divinity, but they also agree with the path that you have chosen. They want you to know that you deserve happiness, and to allow the flow of holy bliss that comes with your Divine heritage and chosen path.
3's and 8's, such as 338 or 383—"Keep going," the masters say to you. Boost the energy and focus of your thoughts and feelings. Realign your outlook with the knowledge of your oneness with God, everyone, and all of life.
3's and 9's, such as 393 or 339—This is a strong message to let go of situations in your life that aren't in integrity or that have served their purpose. Do not artificially hang on to situations because of fear. Know that each and every moment you are taken care of. It is vital that you hold a positive viewpoint about your-self and your future. This viewpoint actually creates what you will experience, so ask the masters to help you choose your thoughts from the high point of love.
3's and 0's, such as 300 or 330--God and the ascended masters are trying to get your attention, most likely with respect to a matter related to your Divine life purpose. Is there any guidance that you've been ignoring lately? If so, you may be feeling stuck right now. This number sequence is heaven's way of alerting you to the fact that you must do your part in the co-creation process. This means listening to and following your Divine guidance to take certain actions.
Combinations of 4's
4's and 1's, such as 441 or 411— The angels are recommending that you watch your thoughts right now. They counsel you to make a wish, as you are in a gateway that will manifest your thoughts right at this moment. (Note: 411 means "Ask the angels for some vital information that you need right now.")
4's and 2's, such as 422 or 442—As it says in the spiritual text A Course in Miracles, "The angels nurse your newborn purpose." This is a sign that you have help from above in making your desired transitions. This is a time when you especially need to know that you're not alone. The 2 and 4 number sequences are a signal from your angels to tell you that they're working very closely with you right now.
4's and 3's, such as 443 or 433—You have a lot of help around you right now! Both the ascended masters and the angels are here to assist, guide, and love you. Reach out to them, as they are reaching out to you.
4's and 5's, such as 455 or 445—Your angels are involved 6 in one of your significant life changes right now.
4's and 6's, such as 446 or 466—Your angels caution you that your focus is too much on the material world. They ask you to surrender your worries to them so that they can intervene. Balance your focus between heaven and earth, and know that your supply is truly unlimited, especially when you work hand-in-hand with the Divine.
4's and 7's, such as 477 or 447—The angels congratulate you and say, "Keep up the great work! You are on a roll. Keep your thoughts focused, because it's having a big and positive effect."
4's and 8's, such as 488 or 448—This is a message from your angels that a phase of your life is about to end. They want you to know that as things slow down, they are with you and will be helping to guide you to a new situation better suited to your needs, desires, and purpose.
4's and 9's, such as 494 or 449—The angels say to you that it's time to let go of a situation that has ended. They remind you that, as one door closes, another one opens. The angels are certainly helping you to open new doors and to heal from any pain that accompanies the transition that you are now undergoing. Please ask your angels to help you have faith that these endings and beginnings are answers to your prayers.
4's and 0's, such as 440 or 400—God and the angels want you to know that you are very, very loved. They ask you to take a moment to feel this love, as it will answer many of your questions and resolve any challenge.
Combinations of 5's
5's and 1's, such as 511 or 515—Your thoughts are creating the changes in your life. Keep steering your thoughts in your desired direction. If the changes that you see forthcoming are not desired, you can stop or alter them by modifying your thoughts.
5's and 2's, such as 522 or 552—Your prayers and intentions have been clear, strong, and without reservations. Therefore, expect a change to come about faster than you may have foreseen. Don't let it throw you when your wishes come true. They may come about in unexpected ways, so hold on to your faith. Talk to God often, and ask for reassurance.
5's and 3's, such as 533 or 553—The ascended masters want to prepare you for a big life change that is imminent. They want you to know that they are holding your hand through this change and that everything will be all right. Embrace the change, and look for the blessings within it.
5's and 4's, such as 554 or 544—Your angels are involved in one of your significant life changes right now.
5's and 6's, such as 556 or 566—Your material life is changing significantly, such as a new home, car, or other possession.
5's and 7's, such as 577 or 575—This is a validation that you are "en target" with an impending change that will enrich you either physically, emotionally, or intellectually—or a combination of all three. Stay on course and you will soon see the evidence of how the changes add to your own life and to that of those mound you.
5's and 8's, such as 588 or 558—This number sequence signifies that you are at the 11th hour, right before the change. Do not fear it, as you will be supported and loved throughout this change, which is now imminent.
5's and 9's, such as 599 or 595—In order for the new change to manifest, it's important to release the past. This number sequence asks you to let go of the old and know that it served a vital function during its time. However, life is fluid and change is inevitable. Know that the new is standing at your doorway, waiting for you to let it in. You invite the new in as you detach with love from the old.
5's and 0's, such as 500 or 550—An important message that lets you know that your life changes are in Divine and perfect order. They are a gift from God and in alignment with God's will for your higher self.
Combinations of 6's
6's and 1's, such as 611 or 661—Keep your thoughts heavenward, and let go of materially minded worries. (Note: 611 means "Ask for help in repairing something in the material world that is irritating or bothering you right now.")
6's and 2's, such as 622 or 662—A new purchase or acquisition is coming your way.
6's and 3's, such as 663 or 633—Your ascended masters are helping you manifest the material items you need for your Divine life purpose. Whether that means money for tuition, or outlets for you to conduct your teaching or healing work, the masters are working to bring it to you. They want you to know that you deserve to receive this help, as it will better enable you to give to others.
6's and 4's, such as 644 or 664—Your angels caution you that your focus is too much on the material world. They ask you to surrender your worries to them so that they can intervene. Balance your focus between heaven and earth, and know that your supply is truly unlimited, especially when you work hand-in-hand with the Divine.
6's and 5's, such as 665 or 655—Your material life is changing significantly, such as a new home, car, or other possession.
6's and 7's, such as 667 or 677—A validation that your thoughts and work with the material world are right on the mark. You have successfully balanced your thoughts and activities so that you are taking care of the mind, body, and spirit. Keep up the great work!
6's and 8's, such as 668 or 688—You are about to part ways with something in your material world, such as selling a possession. If you do not intend to lose or sell anything in your material life, you can change your thoughts and alter this direction. However, if you are intent on selling or detaching from some-thing material in your life, consider this a sign that your wish is about to come true.
6's and 9's, such as 669 or 699--Detach from your material items, especially if you have had any obsession with any particular type of material possession. This number sequence asks you to let go and detach. Also, this is a message that something in your life that you have sold or lost is about to be replaced with something better. Be open to receiving new possessions that exceed your expectations, as you are ready to be upgraded. You deserve the best!
6's and 0's, such as 600 or 660—This is a message from your Creator about your material life. Divine guidance from God asks you to focus less on Earthly desires. It's not that God is asking you to live an impoverished life, but rather, that your Creator asks you to try a more spiritual approach to having your needs met. Know that God is within you and is your source for everything you need. Simply hold faith and gratitude, and be open to signs or new opportunities that will bring your material needs to you. "Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and all the rest will be added unto you" is the heart of this number sequence's message. You can get more information on this process by reading The Abundance Book by John Randolph Price (published by Hay House) or by reading "The Sermon on the Mount" in the Gospel of Matthew.
Combinations of 7's
7's and 1's, such as 711 or 771—This is confirmation that you are doing great You are on the right path, so keep going! This is a sign that you have chosen your thoughts well, and it should inspire you to focus even more steadily on your objectives. Be sure to add appropriate emotions to your thoughts—for instance, feeling grateful for the gifts you have in life. Gratitude will speed the process of your manifestations.
7's and 2's, such as 722 or 772—Have you recently applied for a new job, admission to a school, or a loan? These numbers signal good news. They ask you to hang tight and not to allow your faith to waver.
7's and 3's, such as 773 or 733—The ascended masters are joyful. Not only do they see your true inner Divinity, but they also agree with the path that you have chosen. They want you to know that you deserve happiness, and to allow the flow of holy bliss that comes with your Divine heritage and chosen path.
7's and 4's, such as 774 or 774—The angels congratulate
you and say, "Keep up the great work! You are on a roll. Keep your thoughts focused, because it's having a big and positive effect."
7's and 5's, such as 775 or 755—This is a validation that you are "on target" with an impending change that will enrich you either physically, emotionally, or intellectually—or a combination of all three. Stay on course and you will soon see the evidence of how the changes add to your own life, and to that of those around you.
7's and 6's, such as 776 or 766—A validation that your thoughts and work with the material world are right on the mark. You have successfully balanced your thoughts and activities so that you are taking care of the mind, body, and spirit. Keep up the great work!
7's and 8's, such as 778 or 788—Have you been feeling that some part of your life, such as a job or a relationship, is ending? This is a validation that your feelings are correct. The end could mean a significant positive change in the situation, or it could mean that some part of your life is nearing completion. Regardless, this number sequence heralds good news about a forthcoming positive change involving the completion of an intense situation. Hang tight, because your life is about to get easier.
7's and 9's, such as 779 or 799—Congratulations! You are shedding old parts of your life that no longer fit who you are. You are living a more authentic life that is in integrity with your highest view of yourself. This number sequence applauds your decisions to live honestly.
7's and 0's, such as 700 or 770—An "atta boy" or "atta girl" directly from God, giving you accolades for the mental, spiritual, and physical work you've been doing. You are helping yourself and many other people with your current path, and God asks you to continue with your great work.
Combinations of 8's
8's and 1's, such as 811 or 881—You are nearing the end of a significant phase of your life. If you are tired of some part of your life, be glad that it will soon be healed or replaced with something better. Surrender and release those parts of your life that aren't working, as your thoughts of a better life are coming to pass.
8's and 2's, such as 822 or 882—One door is beginning to open, and another door is beginning to close. Be sure to listen to your intuition very closely right now, as it will guide you to take steps that will ensure your steady abundance during these transitions.
8's and 3's, such as 883 or 833—"Keep going," the masters say to you. Boost the energy and focus of your thoughts and feelings. Realign your outlook with the knowledge of your oneness with God, everyone, and all of life.
8's and 4's, such as 884 or 844—This is a message from your angels that a phase of your life is about to end. They want you to know that as things slow down, they are with you and will be helping to guide you to a new situation better suited to your needs, desires, and purpose.
8's and 5's, such as 885 or 855—This number sequence signifies that you are at the 11th hour, right before the change. Do not fear this change, as you will be supported and loved through-out this change, which is now imminent.
8's and 6's, such as 886 or 866—You are about to part ways with something in your material world, such as selling a possession. If you do not intend to lose or sell anything in your mated-at life, you can change your thoughts and alter this direction. However, if you are intent on selling or detaching from some-thing material in your life, consider this a sign that your wish is about to come true.
8's and 7's, such as 887 or 877--Have you been feeling that some part of your life, such as a job or a relationship, is ending? This is a validation that your feelings are correct. The end could mean a significant positive change in the situation, or it could mean that some part of your life is nearing completion. Regardless, this number sequence heralds good news about a forthcoming positive change involving the completion of an intense situation. Hang tight, because your life is about to get easier.
8's and 9's, such as 889 or 899—Some significant phase in your life has come to an end, bringing with it other events that will also end in a domino effect. Like a train coming to the end of the line, one car will stop while the following train cars will take a moment to slow down before stopping. This number sequence is a message that you are going through a chain of event, where many parts of your life are slowing and stopping. Worry not, though, because these changes are necessary for new sequences and circumstances to begin for you.
8's and 0's, such as 800 or 808—A message from your Divine Creator, signifying that the impending endings are part of your overall Divine plan. They are answers to your prayers, and are in alignment with God's will for you. Ask God to help you allay any fears or worries you may have about these upcoming changes.
Combinations of 9's
9's and 1's, such as 991 or 919—A new door has opened for you as a product of your thoughts. You now have the opportunity to stare your thoughts in the face and come eye-to-eye with your own creations. Let the old fall away, as it is replaced with the new in accordance with your desires.
9's and 2's, such as 992 or 922—If you've recently suffered a loss (job, lover, etc.), expect it to be replaced in the very near future. Everything is working in your favor, although there may be so much behind-the-scenes" activity involved that you wonder if God has forgotten about you. Worry not! Feel the energy of your life, which is moving forward right now. You are not being punished by your recent loss. The universe is, instead, preparing you for newness.
9's and 3's, such as 993 or 939—A strong message to let go of situations in your life that aren't in integrity or that have served their purpose. Do not artificially hang on to situations because of fears. Know that each and every moment you are taken care of. It is vital that you hold a positive viewpoint about yourself and your future. This viewpoint actually creates what you will experience, so ask the masters to help you choose your thoughts from the high paint of love.
9's and 4's, such as 994 or 944—The angels say to you that it's time to let go of a situation that has ended. They remind you that as one door closes, another one opens. The angels are certainly helping you open new doors and to heal from any pain that accompanies the transition that you are now undergoing. Please ask your angels to help you to have faith that these endings and beginnings are answers to your prayers.
9's and 5's, such as 959 or 995—In order for the new change to manifest, it's important to release the past. This number sequence asks you to let go of the old and know that it served a vital function during its time. However, life is fluid and change is inevitable. Know that the new is standing at your doorway, waiting for you to let it in. You invite the new in as you detach with love from the old.
9's and 6's, such as 966 or 996—Detach from your material items, especially if you have had any obsession with any particular type of material possession. This number sequence asks you to let go and detach. Also, it is a message that something in your life that you have sold or lost is about to be replaced with something better. Be open to receiving new possessions that exceed your expectations, as you are ready to be upgraded. You deserve the best!
9's and 7's, such as 977 or 997—Congratulations! You are shedding old parts of your life that no longer fit who you are. You are living a more authentic life that is in integrity with your highest view of yourself. This number sequence applauds your decisions to live honestly.
9's and 8's, such as 998 or 988—Some significant phase in your life has come to an end, bringing with it other events that will also end in a domino effect. Like a train coming to the end of the line, one car will stop while the following train cars will take a moment to slow down before stopping. This number sequence is a message that you are going through a chain of events where a lot of parts of your life are slowing and stopping. Worry not, though, because these changes are necessary for new sequences and circumstances to begin for you.
9's and 0's, such as 900 or 909—This is a message from your Creator signifying that the part of your life that has just ended is Divinely guided. Nothing is ever truly lost. There is no death, and there are no accidents. Your recent life change, in which a significant part of your life has been halted or altered, is actually an answer to your prayer. God is letting you know that He is not taking anything away from you or "causing" your loss. Rather, your life plan or prayers called this life change to you, through your own God-given power. Be willing to forgive every-one involved so that you can be light and free as you enter into a beautiful new phase of life.
Combinations of 0's
0's and 1's, such as 001 or 010—Powerful Divine guidance from God and the angels asks you to alter your thoughts. Perhaps you have been praying to be happier and healthier. If so, this is an answer to your prayers. God knows that the solution for which you seek is born within your thoughts. Ask God to guide the direction of your thoughts, and support you during your time of transition.
0's and 2's, such as 002 or 020—God wants you to know , that He has not forgotten or abandoned you. He loves you very, very much! In fact, God is orchestrating a wonderful new phase of your life for you. Talk to God often, and you'll feel this forth-coming miracle. God also reminds you about the importance of "Divine timing" Sometimes certain factors need to fall into place first before your desired outcome can be reached. As long as you hold strong in your thoughts and faith, there is nothing blocking you from attaining your desire.
0's and 3's, such as 003 or 300—God and the ascended masters are trying to get your attention, most likely related to your Divine life purpose. Is there any guidance that you've been ignoring lately? If so, you may be feeling stuck right now. This number sequence is heaven's may of alerting you to the fact that you must do your part in the co-creation process. This means listening to and following your Divine guidance to take certain actions.
0's and 4's, such as 040 or 400—Gad and the angels want you to know that you are very, very loved. They ask you to take a moment to feel this love, as it will answer many of your questions and resolve any challenge.
On and 5's, such as 050 or 055's; and 0's, such as 500 or 550—An important message that lets you know that your life changes are in Divine and perfect order. They are a gift from God, and in alignment with God's will for your higher self.
0's and 6's, such as 006 or 066—A message from your Creator about your material life. Divine guidance from God asks you to let go of being overly focused on Earthly desires. It's not that God is asking you to live an impoverished life, but that your Creator asks you to have a more spiritual approach to having your needs met. Know that God is within you and is your source for everything you need. Simply hold faith and gratitude, and be open to intuition or new opportunities that will bring your material needs to you. "Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and all the rest will be added unto you" is the heart of this number sequence's message. You can get more information on this process by reading The Abundance Book by John Randolph Price (published by Hay House) or by reading "The Sermon on the Mount" in the Gospel of Matthew.
0's and 7's, such as 007 or 070—A pat on the back from God, giving you accolades for the mental, spiritual, and physical work you've been doing. You are helping yourself and many other people with your current path, and God asks you to continue with your great work.
0's and 8's, such as 088 or 080—A message from your Divine Creator signifying that the impending endings are part of your overall Divine plan. They are answers to your prayers, and are in alignment with God's will for you. Ask God to help you allay any fears or worries you may have about these upcoming changes.
0's and 9's, such as 099 or 090—A message from your Creator signifying that the part of your life that has just ended is Divinely guided. Nothing is ever truly lost. There is no death and there are no accidents. Your recent life change, in which a significant part of your life has been halted or altered, is actually an answer to your prayer. God is letting you know that He is not taking anything away from you or "causing" your loss. Rather, your life plan or prayers called this life change to you through your own God-given power. Be willing to forgive everyone involved so that you can be light and free as you enter into a beautiful new phase of life.
You can also find the information at the following location
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Friday, August 12, 2005
Naughty jokes
John asks his grandpa: "Do you still have sex with granny?"
Grandpa: "Yes,but only oral."
John says: "What is oral?"
Grandpa: "I say F**k you, and she says: F**k you too."
******************************************************
A prostitute's nursery rhyme:
One two lets screw,
Three four I'm a whore,
Five six suck the dick,
Seven eight ejaculate,
Nine ten f**k me again.
********************************************************
In a party, a lady wanted to go to toilet.
She said to Santa: सुसु करने की जगह दिखाओ.
Santa: U naughty girl, पहले तुम दिखाओ.
******************************************************
Pappu sees his parents having sex.
Pappu: Papa, क्या कर रहे हो?
Santa: Petrol भर रहा हूँ
Pappu: Avg check कराओ, अभी तो Banta uncle डाल कर गए हैं
Grandpa: "Yes,but only oral."
John says: "What is oral?"
Grandpa: "I say F**k you, and she says: F**k you too."
******************************************************
A prostitute's nursery rhyme:
One two lets screw,
Three four I'm a whore,
Five six suck the dick,
Seven eight ejaculate,
Nine ten f**k me again.
********************************************************
In a party, a lady wanted to go to toilet.
She said to Santa: सुसु करने की जगह दिखाओ.
Santa: U naughty girl, पहले तुम दिखाओ.
******************************************************
Pappu sees his parents having sex.
Pappu: Papa, क्या कर रहे हो?
Santa: Petrol भर रहा हूँ
Pappu: Avg check कराओ, अभी तो Banta uncle डाल कर गए हैं
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Captain Kirk is Canadian
William Shatner, who hosted a gala last Thursday at Montreal's Just For Laughs festival, delivered what was generally conceded to be the best opening bit of the fest with his own spoof of Molson's I Am Canadian rant. TV viewers will see it this fall when Just For Laughs begins airing new
episodes on CBC.
"Hey, I'm not a Starfleet Commander or T.J. Hooker.
I don't live on Starship NCC dash 1701 or own a phaser.
I don't know anyone named Bones, Sulu or Spock.
And no, I've never had Green Alien Sex-although I'm sure it would be quite an evening.
I speak English and French, not Klingon. I drink Labatt's, not Romulan Ale.
And when someone says to me, 'Live long and prosper,' I seriously mean it when I say 'Get a life!'
My doctor's name is not McCoy, it's Ginsberg.
And Tribbles were puppets! Not real animals!! Puppets!!!
And when I speak, I never, ever, talk / like / every / word / is / its / own / sentence!
I live in California, but I was raised in Montreal.
I believe in Priceline Dot Com, where you never have to pay full price for airline tickets, hotels and car rentals.
I have appeared on stage at Stratford, Carnegie Hall, Albert Hall and at the Monkland Theatre in NDG (Notre Dame de Grace).
And yes, I've gone where no man has gone before. But I was in Mexico and her father gave me permission.
My name is William Shatner and I AM CANADIAN."
episodes on CBC.
"Hey, I'm not a Starfleet Commander or T.J. Hooker.
I don't live on Starship NCC dash 1701 or own a phaser.
I don't know anyone named Bones, Sulu or Spock.
And no, I've never had Green Alien Sex-although I'm sure it would be quite an evening.
I speak English and French, not Klingon. I drink Labatt's, not Romulan Ale.
And when someone says to me, 'Live long and prosper,' I seriously mean it when I say 'Get a life!'
My doctor's name is not McCoy, it's Ginsberg.
And Tribbles were puppets! Not real animals!! Puppets!!!
And when I speak, I never, ever, talk / like / every / word / is / its / own / sentence!
I live in California, but I was raised in Montreal.
I believe in Priceline Dot Com, where you never have to pay full price for airline tickets, hotels and car rentals.
I have appeared on stage at Stratford, Carnegie Hall, Albert Hall and at the Monkland Theatre in NDG (Notre Dame de Grace).
And yes, I've gone where no man has gone before. But I was in Mexico and her father gave me permission.
My name is William Shatner and I AM CANADIAN."
Thursday, July 28, 2005
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Lord's Light
An 90 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, "Friend, for your age your in the best shape I've seen."
The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. Why I know I live a good, clean, spiritual
life." The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?" The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night."
The doc was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?"
"Yep," the old man said, "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."
Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said.
"I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental condition He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."
"He what?" she cried.
"He said every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."
"Aha!!!" she exclaimed. "So he's the one who's been peeing in the refrigerator!"
The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. Why I know I live a good, clean, spiritual
life." The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?" The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night."
The doc was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?"
"Yep," the old man said, "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."
Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said.
"I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental condition He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."
"He what?" she cried.
"He said every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."
"Aha!!!" she exclaimed. "So he's the one who's been peeing in the refrigerator!"
Friday, June 24, 2005
Wedding Night
An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been with a woman.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up
corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback. They end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked..... and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get."
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up
corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback. They end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked..... and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get."
Friday, June 17, 2005
Embarrassing moments
The following are the top four winners from a "Most Embarrassing
Moments" contest :
#1 While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now,' she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter"
#2 "It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my
girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire family - aunts, uncles, Grandparents,
cousins and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again.
#3 One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the
checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back
over the intercom: "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
#4 This one actually happened at Harvard University in October of this year in a biology class, the prof was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose in male semen as in sugar?" "That's correct", responded the prof, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class ... and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the Prof's reply was classic... Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat.
Moments" contest :
#1 While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now,' she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter"
#2 "It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my
girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire family - aunts, uncles, Grandparents,
cousins and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again.
#3 One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the
checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back
over the intercom: "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
#4 This one actually happened at Harvard University in October of this year in a biology class, the prof was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose in male semen as in sugar?" "That's correct", responded the prof, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class ... and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the Prof's reply was classic... Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat.
Saturday, June 11, 2005
A lawyer's tale
The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute and said, "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, "Um... No."
"Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her pennyless with three children?"
The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute and said, "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, "Um... No."
"Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her pennyless with three children?"
The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?
Friday, June 10, 2005
Joke du jour
The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy.
"Can I help you?" the madam asked.
"I want Natalie," the old man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."
"No, I must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000.
Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?"
The old man replied, "I am from Minsk."
"Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there."
"Yes; I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you."
"Can I help you?" the madam asked.
"I want Natalie," the old man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."
"No, I must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000.
Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?"
The old man replied, "I am from Minsk."
"Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there."
"Yes; I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you."
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Give them a simple process to follow...
In our R&D department, persons are required to request the use of any IP addresses for testing before configuring their device with it. Normally this is a straightforward process of ensuring nobody else is using the desired address. Of course some people around here like to re-define normal!
The following is an email conversation I saw earlier today: [I have assigned random names to protect the guilty]
***********************
>From: Stephan
>Subject: IP 192.168.1.153
This is an email requesting the official use of 192.168.1.153 for SNMP test.
Please direct me to the proper place where I can use/buy this address for testing.
Thank you for your help.
***********************
>From: Al H.
>Subject: RE: IP 192.168.1.153
Hi...
Congratulations! You are the proud new owner of an IP address, 192.168.1.153 .
Accounting has been notified, and payment will be via payroll deduction. Please keep your receipt for exchange/refund/tax purposes.
***********************
>From: Stephan
>Subject: RE: IP 192.168.1.153
What kind of negotiation is that? Forwarding that request off to payroll. Is it kinda of like "you touch it you bought it?" You haven't even heard my bid price for it. I was hoping to get this one cheap. I have been testing it out, and it appears to ping slower than the other ones you gave me. I think it is fairly used and I was wondering what type of a warranty comes with it? Also, what is the trade in value of the other IP's I have, out of curiosity, if I should no longer need them.
Thanks
***********************
>From: Al H.
>Subject: RE: IP 192.168.1.153
Hi...
I don't remember using the word 'negotiation'... Your original email did not specify an offered price, only a willingness to 'use/buy' the address - and this aint no library kid! This is big business!! By using the address already, you've implicitly agreed to the purchase/usage agreement, which explicitly states that exchanges and refunds will only be considered before additional usage takes place.
That address was previously owned by a little old lady who only downloaded bondage .gifs on Sundays, so it had low milage, and besides - it worked *just fine* before you started using it.
We're in the business of providing IP addresses, not buying them, so if *you* don't want your IP addresses anymore, you can check with your co-workers to see if they want to buy it from you - but I'll warn you up front, the resale value on them isn't great!
***********************
>From: Stephan
>Subject: RE: IP 192.168.1.153
Al H.,
It seems that you have now further devalued the worth of 192.168.1.153 by attaching a dirty porn reference to it and passing it around the email group (and you said it was hardly USED). This should be further cause to dicount this one, not to mention the fact that it isn't even a full ip address. Next time i'll apply for a broadcast address, or at least one that contains bits closer to 255.
***********************
>From the Law Firm of Dewey, Cheatham and Howe:
Dear Sir;
My client wishes to inform you that pursuant to the transaction that has occurred between yourself and my client, my client has fulfilled all aspects of the purchase/usage agreement by providing you with the address you requested, in a timely fashion, which you implicitly agreed to by using said address. At that point, you (the purchasor and new owner of said address) became completely and wholly responsible for said address as well as all references and usages of said address, and discussions regarding said address. My client is no longer responsible for, nor will he accept any further responsibility for any problems with said address. It was delivered when requested - as requested. It was your (the purchasor) responsibility to verify the pedigree and suitability of said address before the transaction was entered into.
Your claim that "it isn't even a full ip address" is incorrect (as can be confirmed by any approved regulatory agency), and borders on libelous. Trust us, we know, we're lawyers.
***********************
> From the law firm of Hewey, Duwey, and Lewey:
Dir Sir;
Pursuant to your recent transaction and email exchange with our client we have been contracted to represent Stephan in the matter of "Stephan vs Al H.." Although we have been given full authority to pursue this matter in a court of law, we feel that you will see the benefits of reaching a settlement agreement which is satifactory to all parties concerned.
To assist in clarifying your current situation in this matter, we submit the documents attached below for your review. As you will note, sufficient evidence is present for a judgement in the favor of our client.
[Document 09453B-1999-06-02]
To whom it may concern:
I feel that I must come to the defense of Stephan in this blatant example of "Used Car Saleman Syndrome" which Al H. has fell victum too.
Reportedly the IP address in question is to be considered to be in "good working condition" where infact I have evidence to the contrary! A simple search of the Software Problem Database will return numerous examples of cases where this specific address has been subjected to a variety of abusive tests; including subnet masking, ICMP redirects, network unreachables and other torturous proceedures.
In a few documented cases it even states that the device configured with the IP address 198.169.1.153 would not respond to pings, telnets, or any other form of IP based queries. This further supports Stephan's case that the requested IP address can not be considered to be in good working order.
[source unpublished at this time]
[Document 08453C-1999-05-15]
MEMORANDUM
>From: Office of R&D Internal Affairs.
To: [source unpublished at this time]
Dear Sir,
With respect to your request for a background check on one Al H., regarding past and present IP address transactions, please be aware that this individual is under current investigation for IP Address Fraud. An transactions entered into with this individual should be approached with EXTREME CAUTION.
With regard to your question as to the integrity of Al H., interviews with several co-workers have uncovered facts which indicate that he is the Boss of the local IP address black market. Reviews of log books has shown repeated resale of the same addresses. Inspection of the local intranet web site has shown how Al H. controls IP address and assigns them to co-workers in return for "special favors."
In your request you mention Al H.'s suggestion that the addresses have little or know resale value. This office believes that this is simply an attempt by Al H. to re-gain control of abandoned addresses so as to benefit from their resale to future unsuspecting clients.
I would suggest that you immediately contact the local R&D Consumer Protection branch before any monies is transferred.
-----
Regarding the question of the validity of the claim "it isn't even a full ip address" as presented in the letter from your legal representative:
Please note that the mentioned approved regulatory agency also states that a full valid IP address must include a subnet mask! Failure on your part to provide this required information in the afore mentioned transaction with our client provides the basis for Breach of Contract as per Article 2.01 "Genuine Intention" under the Contractual Law Act.
Lastly we must inform you that we are currently pursing a Court Injuction to prevent an futher transaction of the afore mentioned type until this issue is settled to our clients satisfactions.
Regards,
***********************
To the law firm of Hewey, Duwey, and Lewey:
My client suggests that a law firm with your professed reputation would be able to afford not only a spell-checker, but also a clue-checker.
Please provide concrete examples of the test documents you refer to, or the *shoe* will be on the other foot in terms of liability, and your 'organization' *will be swimming* in stacks of legal red-tape. Our organization has successfully represented many groups, including one from Marine Land known only as *the fishes*.
Let me dummy it down a notch for you: We successfully represented New York's 'Teflon Don' until he refused to pay his bill, at which point he was reminded that non-stick items should not come into contact with sharp metal objects.
Pursuant to your obviously mis-informed arguments regarding this matter, and your libelous characterization of my client, I'm reminded of the case of 'My Uncle Vinny's Foot Vs Your Butt'.
The following is an email conversation I saw earlier today: [I have assigned random names to protect the guilty]
***********************
>From: Stephan
>Subject: IP 192.168.1.153
This is an email requesting the official use of 192.168.1.153 for SNMP test.
Please direct me to the proper place where I can use/buy this address for testing.
Thank you for your help.
***********************
>From: Al H.
>Subject: RE: IP 192.168.1.153
Hi...
Congratulations! You are the proud new owner of an IP address, 192.168.1.153 .
Accounting has been notified, and payment will be via payroll deduction. Please keep your receipt for exchange/refund/tax purposes.
***********************
>From: Stephan
>Subject: RE: IP 192.168.1.153
What kind of negotiation is that? Forwarding that request off to payroll. Is it kinda of like "you touch it you bought it?" You haven't even heard my bid price for it. I was hoping to get this one cheap. I have been testing it out, and it appears to ping slower than the other ones you gave me. I think it is fairly used and I was wondering what type of a warranty comes with it? Also, what is the trade in value of the other IP's I have, out of curiosity, if I should no longer need them.
Thanks
***********************
>From: Al H.
>Subject: RE: IP 192.168.1.153
Hi...
I don't remember using the word 'negotiation'... Your original email did not specify an offered price, only a willingness to 'use/buy' the address - and this aint no library kid! This is big business!! By using the address already, you've implicitly agreed to the purchase/usage agreement, which explicitly states that exchanges and refunds will only be considered before additional usage takes place.
That address was previously owned by a little old lady who only downloaded bondage .gifs on Sundays, so it had low milage, and besides - it worked *just fine* before you started using it.
We're in the business of providing IP addresses, not buying them, so if *you* don't want your IP addresses anymore, you can check with your co-workers to see if they want to buy it from you - but I'll warn you up front, the resale value on them isn't great!
***********************
>From: Stephan
>Subject: RE: IP 192.168.1.153
Al H.,
It seems that you have now further devalued the worth of 192.168.1.153 by attaching a dirty porn reference to it and passing it around the email group (and you said it was hardly USED). This should be further cause to dicount this one, not to mention the fact that it isn't even a full ip address. Next time i'll apply for a broadcast address, or at least one that contains bits closer to 255.
***********************
>From the Law Firm of Dewey, Cheatham and Howe:
Dear Sir;
My client wishes to inform you that pursuant to the transaction that has occurred between yourself and my client, my client has fulfilled all aspects of the purchase/usage agreement by providing you with the address you requested, in a timely fashion, which you implicitly agreed to by using said address. At that point, you (the purchasor and new owner of said address) became completely and wholly responsible for said address as well as all references and usages of said address, and discussions regarding said address. My client is no longer responsible for, nor will he accept any further responsibility for any problems with said address. It was delivered when requested - as requested. It was your (the purchasor) responsibility to verify the pedigree and suitability of said address before the transaction was entered into.
Your claim that "it isn't even a full ip address" is incorrect (as can be confirmed by any approved regulatory agency), and borders on libelous. Trust us, we know, we're lawyers.
***********************
> From the law firm of Hewey, Duwey, and Lewey:
Dir Sir;
Pursuant to your recent transaction and email exchange with our client we have been contracted to represent Stephan in the matter of "Stephan vs Al H.." Although we have been given full authority to pursue this matter in a court of law, we feel that you will see the benefits of reaching a settlement agreement which is satifactory to all parties concerned.
To assist in clarifying your current situation in this matter, we submit the documents attached below for your review. As you will note, sufficient evidence is present for a judgement in the favor of our client.
[Document 09453B-1999-06-02]
To whom it may concern:
I feel that I must come to the defense of Stephan in this blatant example of "Used Car Saleman Syndrome" which Al H. has fell victum too.
Reportedly the IP address in question is to be considered to be in "good working condition" where infact I have evidence to the contrary! A simple search of the Software Problem Database will return numerous examples of cases where this specific address has been subjected to a variety of abusive tests; including subnet masking, ICMP redirects, network unreachables and other torturous proceedures.
In a few documented cases it even states that the device configured with the IP address 198.169.1.153 would not respond to pings, telnets, or any other form of IP based queries. This further supports Stephan's case that the requested IP address can not be considered to be in good working order.
[source unpublished at this time]
[Document 08453C-1999-05-15]
MEMORANDUM
>From: Office of R&D Internal Affairs.
To: [source unpublished at this time]
Dear Sir,
With respect to your request for a background check on one Al H., regarding past and present IP address transactions, please be aware that this individual is under current investigation for IP Address Fraud. An transactions entered into with this individual should be approached with EXTREME CAUTION.
With regard to your question as to the integrity of Al H., interviews with several co-workers have uncovered facts which indicate that he is the Boss of the local IP address black market. Reviews of log books has shown repeated resale of the same addresses. Inspection of the local intranet web site has shown how Al H. controls IP address and assigns them to co-workers in return for "special favors."
In your request you mention Al H.'s suggestion that the addresses have little or know resale value. This office believes that this is simply an attempt by Al H. to re-gain control of abandoned addresses so as to benefit from their resale to future unsuspecting clients.
I would suggest that you immediately contact the local R&D Consumer Protection branch before any monies is transferred.
-----
Regarding the question of the validity of the claim "it isn't even a full ip address" as presented in the letter from your legal representative:
Please note that the mentioned approved regulatory agency also states that a full valid IP address must include a subnet mask! Failure on your part to provide this required information in the afore mentioned transaction with our client provides the basis for Breach of Contract as per Article 2.01 "Genuine Intention" under the Contractual Law Act.
Lastly we must inform you that we are currently pursing a Court Injuction to prevent an futher transaction of the afore mentioned type until this issue is settled to our clients satisfactions.
Regards,
***********************
To the law firm of Hewey, Duwey, and Lewey:
My client suggests that a law firm with your professed reputation would be able to afford not only a spell-checker, but also a clue-checker.
Please provide concrete examples of the test documents you refer to, or the *shoe* will be on the other foot in terms of liability, and your 'organization' *will be swimming* in stacks of legal red-tape. Our organization has successfully represented many groups, including one from Marine Land known only as *the fishes*.
Let me dummy it down a notch for you: We successfully represented New York's 'Teflon Don' until he refused to pay his bill, at which point he was reminded that non-stick items should not come into contact with sharp metal objects.
Pursuant to your obviously mis-informed arguments regarding this matter, and your libelous characterization of my client, I'm reminded of the case of 'My Uncle Vinny's Foot Vs Your Butt'.
Saturday, June 04, 2005
Clinton Deploys Vowels to Balkans
Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients
Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A, E, I, O and U.
"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been butchered by millions around the world," Clinton said.
"Today, the United States must finally stand up and say 'Enough."
The deployment, dubbed by the State Dept, "Operation Vowel Movement" is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients.
Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities.
Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels.
"I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I have six children and none of them has an intelligible name.
The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92-thousand consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L's, S's and T's. The consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast quantities of the letters were intercepted and hoarded by violent, gun-toting warlords.
Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A, E, I, O and U.
"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been butchered by millions around the world," Clinton said.
"Today, the United States must finally stand up and say 'Enough."
The deployment, dubbed by the State Dept, "Operation Vowel Movement" is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients.
Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities.
Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels.
"I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I have six children and none of them has an intelligible name.
The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92-thousand consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L's, S's and T's. The consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast quantities of the letters were intercepted and hoarded by violent, gun-toting warlords.
Friday, June 03, 2005
Lipstick Prints
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with an unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Ode to a Spellchecker
I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks eye can knot sea.
Eye ran this poem threw it.
You sure reel glad two no
Its vary polished in it's weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a bless sing.
It freeze yew lodes of thymes.
It helps me right awl stiles two reeds,
And aides me when aye rime.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud.And wee mussed
dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know faults with in my cite.
Of none eye am a wear.
Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed to be a joule.
The checker poured oar every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
That's why aye brake in two averse
By righting wants two pleas.
Sow now ewe sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear for pea seas!
It came with my PC
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks eye can knot sea.
Eye ran this poem threw it.
You sure reel glad two no
Its vary polished in it's weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a bless sing.
It freeze yew lodes of thymes.
It helps me right awl stiles two reeds,
And aides me when aye rime.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud.And wee mussed
dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know faults with in my cite.
Of none eye am a wear.
Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed to be a joule.
The checker poured oar every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
That's why aye brake in two averse
By righting wants two pleas.
Sow now ewe sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear for pea seas!
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
A Born Salesman
Dan, a college student, is home for summer break. In order to make a few extra bucks he decides that he is going to apply for a part-time job at the local K-Mart.
Dan fills out the standard application and is called into the manager's office. The manager asks Dan, "Do you think you have what it takes to work at the Big K?"
Dan laughs to himself, thinking, "Is he kidding?" But since it was an interview he responded, "Absolutely." The Manager continued, "In order to work here you need to be a salesman and you need to be in touch with the customer. Do you think you've
got those qualities?"
Again, Dan laughs to himself, "Is this guy serious?" but he says again, Absolutely!" "Well let me show you how it's done," says the manager.
The manager leads Dan to a counter and waits for a customer. The first guy to come along drops a 50 pound bag of grass seed on the counter.
The manager says, "That's a pretty big bag of grass seed ya got there." "Yup," responds the customer. The manager winks at Dan and says, "Ya think you might need a new lawn mower for that grass you're putting down?"
Dan actually sees the lightbulb go off over the customer's head. "Yeah! That's a great idea." The manager leads him back to the lawn mowers and helps him pick out a really nice model.
"Ya see, Dan, that's how it's done. Ya think you can do that?" says the manager. "Hell, yeah!" says Dan, "Just watch!!" Dan steps up to the counter and the next man to come along drops a huge package of tampons onto the counter.
Dan looks at the box and then at the embarrassed customer, "That's a pretty big box of tampons ya got there," says Dan. The embarrassed man looks up feebly and says, "Yup." A moment of silence passes and then Dan blurts out, "Would you be
interested in buying a new lawnmower?"
The customer looks up from his shoes and responds, "What the hell would I want a lawnmower for?" Dan winks at his manager and says, "Well, since you won't be having sex this weekend I figured you might want to mow your lawn!"
Dan fills out the standard application and is called into the manager's office. The manager asks Dan, "Do you think you have what it takes to work at the Big K?"
Dan laughs to himself, thinking, "Is he kidding?" But since it was an interview he responded, "Absolutely." The Manager continued, "In order to work here you need to be a salesman and you need to be in touch with the customer. Do you think you've
got those qualities?"
Again, Dan laughs to himself, "Is this guy serious?" but he says again, Absolutely!" "Well let me show you how it's done," says the manager.
The manager leads Dan to a counter and waits for a customer. The first guy to come along drops a 50 pound bag of grass seed on the counter.
The manager says, "That's a pretty big bag of grass seed ya got there." "Yup," responds the customer. The manager winks at Dan and says, "Ya think you might need a new lawn mower for that grass you're putting down?"
Dan actually sees the lightbulb go off over the customer's head. "Yeah! That's a great idea." The manager leads him back to the lawn mowers and helps him pick out a really nice model.
"Ya see, Dan, that's how it's done. Ya think you can do that?" says the manager. "Hell, yeah!" says Dan, "Just watch!!" Dan steps up to the counter and the next man to come along drops a huge package of tampons onto the counter.
Dan looks at the box and then at the embarrassed customer, "That's a pretty big box of tampons ya got there," says Dan. The embarrassed man looks up feebly and says, "Yup." A moment of silence passes and then Dan blurts out, "Would you be
interested in buying a new lawnmower?"
The customer looks up from his shoes and responds, "What the hell would I want a lawnmower for?" Dan winks at his manager and says, "Well, since you won't be having sex this weekend I figured you might want to mow your lawn!"
Sunday, May 29, 2005
Saturday, May 28, 2005
Sexist Mastercard Commercial
Cover charge: $15.00
Round of drinks: $23.00
Table dance: $30.00
Couch dance and tips: $50.00
A round of shots: $34.00
Private dance in your hotel room: $300.00
Send her on her way and never have to hear her complain: priceless
There are some things that money can't buy. For everything else, there's Mastercard.
Round of drinks: $23.00
Table dance: $30.00
Couch dance and tips: $50.00
A round of shots: $34.00
Private dance in your hotel room: $300.00
Send her on her way and never have to hear her complain: priceless
There are some things that money can't buy. For everything else, there's Mastercard.
Friday, May 27, 2005
Vocabulary
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater (airplane).
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man guy lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater (airplane).
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man guy lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
Thursday, May 26, 2005
Directions
Here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
* On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
* On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
* On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
* Some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
* On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
* On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Printed on the bottom of the box --> Do not turn upside down.
* On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
* On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
* On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
* On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: May cause drowsiness.
* On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.
* On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
* On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
* On Sainsbury's Peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
* On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
* On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
* On Sears hair dryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
* On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
* On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
* Some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
* On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
* On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
Printed on the bottom of the box --> Do not turn upside down.
* On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
* On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
* On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
* On Nytol (a sleep aid):
Warning: May cause drowsiness.
* On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.
* On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
* On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
* On Sainsbury's Peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
* On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
* On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
You might be a redneck Jedi if...
You might be a Redneck Jedi if.....
You've ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
Wookies are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father and your uncle."
You've ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
Wookies are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father and your uncle."
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Sports Quotes
"Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago"
(David Coleman)
"Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs" (David Coleman)
"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite" (Murray Walker)
After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought." (Bobby Robson)
"And with an alphabetical irony, Nigeria follows New Zealand" (David Coleman)
On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country" (Ian Rush)
"Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator" (John Arlott)
Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance do you think Germany has of getting through?" Terry Venables: "I think it's 50-50."
"Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run of play" (Peter Lorenzo)
"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalised" (Ian McNail)
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body" (Winston Bennett)
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat" (Ron Atkinson)
"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost" (Frank Bruno)
"There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes." (David Coleman)
"There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people" (David Coleman)
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical" (Murray Walker)
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel" (Stuart Pearce)
"She's not Ben Johnson - but then who is?" (David Coleman)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" (Greg Norman)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing but none of them serious" (Alan Minter)
"The Port Elizabeth ground is more of a circle than an oval. It's long and square" (Trevor Bailey)
"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball" (John Francombe)
"Watch the time - it gives you an indication of how fast they are running" (Ron Pickering)
"Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers" (Murray Walker)
"Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like Brazil than English sides like Wales" (Ron Greenwood)
"A brain scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from a stress fracture of the shin" (Jo Sheldon)
"The French are not normally a Nordic Skiing Nation" (Ron Pickering)
"That's inches away from being millimeter perfect" (Ted Lowe)
"Bobby Gould thinks I'm trying to stab him in the back. In fact I'm right behind him" (Stuart Pearson)
"I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right" (Marlon Starling)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" (Terry Venables)
"I can't tell who's leading - It's either Oxford or Cambridge" (John Snagge Boat Race)
"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests - absolutely round." (Tony Cozier)
"Lara's chanced his arm, and it's come off." (Brian Johnston)
(David Coleman)
"Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs" (David Coleman)
"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite" (Murray Walker)
After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought." (Bobby Robson)
"And with an alphabetical irony, Nigeria follows New Zealand" (David Coleman)
On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country" (Ian Rush)
"Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator" (John Arlott)
Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance do you think Germany has of getting through?" Terry Venables: "I think it's 50-50."
"Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run of play" (Peter Lorenzo)
"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalised" (Ian McNail)
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body" (Winston Bennett)
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat" (Ron Atkinson)
"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost" (Frank Bruno)
"There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes." (David Coleman)
"There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people" (David Coleman)
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical" (Murray Walker)
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel" (Stuart Pearce)
"She's not Ben Johnson - but then who is?" (David Coleman)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" (Greg Norman)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing but none of them serious" (Alan Minter)
"The Port Elizabeth ground is more of a circle than an oval. It's long and square" (Trevor Bailey)
"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball" (John Francombe)
"Watch the time - it gives you an indication of how fast they are running" (Ron Pickering)
"Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers" (Murray Walker)
"Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like Brazil than English sides like Wales" (Ron Greenwood)
"A brain scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from a stress fracture of the shin" (Jo Sheldon)
"The French are not normally a Nordic Skiing Nation" (Ron Pickering)
"That's inches away from being millimeter perfect" (Ted Lowe)
"Bobby Gould thinks I'm trying to stab him in the back. In fact I'm right behind him" (Stuart Pearson)
"I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right" (Marlon Starling)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" (Terry Venables)
"I can't tell who's leading - It's either Oxford or Cambridge" (John Snagge Boat Race)
"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests - absolutely round." (Tony Cozier)
"Lara's chanced his arm, and it's come off." (Brian Johnston)
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Jewish Quotes
Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.
-- Richard Lewis
My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada.
-- David Steinberg
I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up . . . they have no holidays.
-- Henny Youngman
Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one.
-- Mel Brooks
The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish.
-- Jules Farber
Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyish even if you are Jewish.
-- Lenny Bruce
God, I know we are your chosen people, but couldn't you choose somebody else for a change?
-- Shalom Aleichem
The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
-- Calvin Trillin
Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!
-- Golda Meir
Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother.
-- Peter Malkin
Humility is no substitute for a good personality.
-- Fran Lebowitz
My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
-- Benjamin Disraeli
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
-- Sam Levenson
Don't be humble; you are not that great.
-- Golda Meir
God will pardon me. It's His business.
-- Heinrich Heine
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.
-- Joe E. Lewis
Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.
A spoken contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
-- Sam Goldwyn
Everybody likes a kidder but nobody loans him money.
-- Arthur Miller
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.
-- Jackie Mason
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
-- Woody Allen
Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution?
-- Groucho Marx
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
-- Groucho Marx
A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it.
-- Oscar Levant
Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.
-- George Burns
Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.
-- Mort Sahl
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
-- Milton Berle
Diplomacy is to do and say the nastiest things in the nicest way.
-- (uncredited)
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.
-- Sam Goldwyn
Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
-- Ernie Kovacs
With the collapse of vaudeville, new talent has no place to stink.
-- George Burns
When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault.
-- Henry Kissinger
-- Richard Lewis
My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada.
-- David Steinberg
I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up . . . they have no holidays.
-- Henny Youngman
Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one.
-- Mel Brooks
The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish.
-- Jules Farber
Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyish even if you are Jewish.
-- Lenny Bruce
God, I know we are your chosen people, but couldn't you choose somebody else for a change?
-- Shalom Aleichem
The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
-- Calvin Trillin
Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!
-- Golda Meir
Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother.
-- Peter Malkin
Humility is no substitute for a good personality.
-- Fran Lebowitz
My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
-- Benjamin Disraeli
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
-- Sam Levenson
Don't be humble; you are not that great.
-- Golda Meir
God will pardon me. It's His business.
-- Heinrich Heine
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.
-- Joe E. Lewis
Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.
A spoken contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
-- Sam Goldwyn
Everybody likes a kidder but nobody loans him money.
-- Arthur Miller
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.
-- Jackie Mason
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
-- Woody Allen
Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution?
-- Groucho Marx
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
-- Groucho Marx
A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it.
-- Oscar Levant
Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.
-- George Burns
Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.
-- Mort Sahl
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
-- Milton Berle
Diplomacy is to do and say the nastiest things in the nicest way.
-- (uncredited)
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.
-- Sam Goldwyn
Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
-- Ernie Kovacs
With the collapse of vaudeville, new talent has no place to stink.
-- George Burns
When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault.
-- Henry Kissinger
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Microsoft Announces Improved "Blue Screen of Death" (BSOD)
In a surprise announcement today, Microsoft President Steve Ballmer revealed that the Redmond-based company will allow computer resellers and end users to customize the appearance of the Blue Screen of Death (abbreviated BSOD), the screen that displays when the Windows operating system crashes.
The move comes as the result of numerous focus groups and customer surveys done by Microsoft. Thousands of Microsoft customers were asked, "What do you spend the most time doing on your computer?" A surprising number of respondents said, "Staring at a Blue Screen of Death." At 54 percent, it was the top answer, beating the second-place answer "Downloading Pornography" by an easy 12 points.
"We immediately recognized this as a great opportunity for ourselves, our channel partners, and especially our customers." explained the excited Ballmer to a room full of reporters.
Immense video displays were used to show images of the new customizable BSOD screen side-by-side with the older static version. Users can select from a collection of "BSOD Themes," allowing them to instead have a Mauve Screen of Death or even a Paisley Screen of Death. Graphics and multimedia content can now be incorporated into the screen, making the BSOD the perfect conduit for delivering product information and entertainment to Windows users.
The Blue Screen of Death is by far the most recognized feature of the Windows(TM) operating system, and as a result, Microsoft has historically insisted on total control over its look and feel. This recent departure from that policy reflects Microsoft's recognition of the Windows desktop itself as the "ultimate information portal." By default, the new BSOD will be configured to show a random selection of
Microsoft product information whenever the system crashes. Microsoft channel partners can negotiate with Microsoft for the right to customize the BSOD on systems they ship.
Major computer resellers such as Compaq, Gateway, and Dell are already lining up for premier placement on the new and improved BSOD.
Ballmer concluded by getting a dig in against the Open Source community. "This just goes to show that Microsoft continues to innovate at a much faster pace than open source. I have yet to see any evidence that Linux or OpenBSD even have a BSOD, let alone a customizable one."
The move comes as the result of numerous focus groups and customer surveys done by Microsoft. Thousands of Microsoft customers were asked, "What do you spend the most time doing on your computer?" A surprising number of respondents said, "Staring at a Blue Screen of Death." At 54 percent, it was the top answer, beating the second-place answer "Downloading Pornography" by an easy 12 points.
"We immediately recognized this as a great opportunity for ourselves, our channel partners, and especially our customers." explained the excited Ballmer to a room full of reporters.
Immense video displays were used to show images of the new customizable BSOD screen side-by-side with the older static version. Users can select from a collection of "BSOD Themes," allowing them to instead have a Mauve Screen of Death or even a Paisley Screen of Death. Graphics and multimedia content can now be incorporated into the screen, making the BSOD the perfect conduit for delivering product information and entertainment to Windows users.
The Blue Screen of Death is by far the most recognized feature of the Windows(TM) operating system, and as a result, Microsoft has historically insisted on total control over its look and feel. This recent departure from that policy reflects Microsoft's recognition of the Windows desktop itself as the "ultimate information portal." By default, the new BSOD will be configured to show a random selection of
Microsoft product information whenever the system crashes. Microsoft channel partners can negotiate with Microsoft for the right to customize the BSOD on systems they ship.
Major computer resellers such as Compaq, Gateway, and Dell are already lining up for premier placement on the new and improved BSOD.
Ballmer concluded by getting a dig in against the Open Source community. "This just goes to show that Microsoft continues to innovate at a much faster pace than open source. I have yet to see any evidence that Linux or OpenBSD even have a BSOD, let alone a customizable one."
Monday, May 16, 2005
Friday, May 13, 2005
Literary Mix and Match
From the Washington Post Invitational--
Report from Week 312, in which readers were asked to combine the works of two authors and provide a suitable blurb.
Second Runner-Up: "Machiavelli's The Little Prince" Antoine de Saint-Exupery's classic children's tale as presented by Machiavelli. The whimsy of human nature is embodied in many delightful and intriguing characters, all of whom are executed. (Erik Anderson, Tempe, Ariz.)
First Runner-Up: "Green Eggs and Hamlet" Would you kill him in his bed? / Thrust a dagger through his head? / I would not, could not, kill the King. / I could not do that evil thing. / I would not wed this girl, you see. / Now get her to a nunnery. (Robin Parry, Arlington, TX)
And the Winner: "Fahrenheit 451 of the Vanities" An '80s yuppie is denied books. He does not object, or even notice. (Mike Long, Burke)
Honorable Mentions:
"2001: A Space Iliad"
The Hal 9000 computer wages an insane 10-year war against the Greeks after falling victim to the Y2K bug. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
"The Hunchback Also Rises"
Hideously deformed fellow is cloistered in bell tower by despicable clergymen. And that's the good news ... (John Verba, Washington)
"The Maltese Faulkner"
Is the black bird a tortured symbol of Sam's struggles with race and family? Does it signify his decay of soul along with the soul of the Old South? Is it merely a crow, mocking his attempts to understand? Or is it worth a cool mil? (Thad Humphries, Warrenton)
"The Silence of the Hams"
In this endearing update of the Seuss classic, young Sam-I-Am presses unconventional foodstuffs on his friend, Hannibal, who turns the tables. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)
"Nicholas and Alexandra Nickleby"
Having narrowly escaped a Bolshevik firing squad, the former czar and czarina join a troupe of actors only to find that playing the Palace isn't as grand as living in it. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)
"Catch-22 in the Rye"
Holden learns that if you're insane, you'll probably flunk out of prep school, but if you're flunking out of prep school, you're probably not insane. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
"Where's Walden?"
Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David Thoreau in each richly detailed drawing loses its appeal when it quickly becomes clear that he is always in the woods. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)
Report from Week 312, in which readers were asked to combine the works of two authors and provide a suitable blurb.
Second Runner-Up: "Machiavelli's The Little Prince" Antoine de Saint-Exupery's classic children's tale as presented by Machiavelli. The whimsy of human nature is embodied in many delightful and intriguing characters, all of whom are executed. (Erik Anderson, Tempe, Ariz.)
First Runner-Up: "Green Eggs and Hamlet" Would you kill him in his bed? / Thrust a dagger through his head? / I would not, could not, kill the King. / I could not do that evil thing. / I would not wed this girl, you see. / Now get her to a nunnery. (Robin Parry, Arlington, TX)
And the Winner: "Fahrenheit 451 of the Vanities" An '80s yuppie is denied books. He does not object, or even notice. (Mike Long, Burke)
Honorable Mentions:
"2001: A Space Iliad"
The Hal 9000 computer wages an insane 10-year war against the Greeks after falling victim to the Y2K bug. (Joseph Romm, Washington)
"The Hunchback Also Rises"
Hideously deformed fellow is cloistered in bell tower by despicable clergymen. And that's the good news ... (John Verba, Washington)
"The Maltese Faulkner"
Is the black bird a tortured symbol of Sam's struggles with race and family? Does it signify his decay of soul along with the soul of the Old South? Is it merely a crow, mocking his attempts to understand? Or is it worth a cool mil? (Thad Humphries, Warrenton)
"The Silence of the Hams"
In this endearing update of the Seuss classic, young Sam-I-Am presses unconventional foodstuffs on his friend, Hannibal, who turns the tables. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)
"Nicholas and Alexandra Nickleby"
Having narrowly escaped a Bolshevik firing squad, the former czar and czarina join a troupe of actors only to find that playing the Palace isn't as grand as living in it. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)
"Catch-22 in the Rye"
Holden learns that if you're insane, you'll probably flunk out of prep school, but if you're flunking out of prep school, you're probably not insane. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
"Where's Walden?"
Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David Thoreau in each richly detailed drawing loses its appeal when it quickly becomes clear that he is always in the woods. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
A nun's joke
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want."
The first nun says, "I want-a to be Sophia Loren" and poof! she's gone.
The second says, "I want-a to be Madonna" and poof! she's gone.
The third says, "I want-a to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days'!"
The first nun says, "I want-a to be Sophia Loren" and poof! she's gone.
The second says, "I want-a to be Madonna" and poof! she's gone.
The third says, "I want-a to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days'!"
Friday, May 06, 2005
The Programmer's Drinking Song
99 little bugs in the code
99 bugs in the code,
fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code.....
(Repeat until BUGS = 0)
99 bugs in the code,
fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code.....
(Repeat until BUGS = 0)
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
New Element Discovered
Investigators at a major US research university recently discovered the heaviest element known to science. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. It is also surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally have occurred in less than a second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion to the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, an Administratium sample's mass actually INCREASES over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that perhaps Administratium is spontaneously formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "critical morass".
These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. It is also surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally have occurred in less than a second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion to the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, an Administratium sample's mass actually INCREASES over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that perhaps Administratium is spontaneously formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "critical morass".
Monday, May 02, 2005
Thursday, April 28, 2005
The Internet Primer
1. How big is the Internet? When did it start? How did it grow?
The Internet is actually much smaller than most people think. It is primarily composed of fiber optic cables no thicker than a human hair, which can be conveniently rolled up and stored in a foot locker. Janitors at the National Science Foundation do this on the third Tuesday of every month when they wax the floors. Since fiber optics are the size of human hairs, they also make attractive wigs. The next time you watch a Sprint commercial, look closely and you'll see that Candice Bergen's alleged hair is really the T4 backbone.
The earliest origins of the Internet can be traced to Ancient Greece, where a loosely connected set of networks was used to discuss exploration in the Black Sea. The Argonets, as they were then called, were entirely subsidized by the government, and won one of William Proxmire's first Golden Fleece awards.
The Internet grows hyperbolically, but is usually described elliptically.
2. Who owns the Internet?
There is no one person or agency that owns the Internet. Instead, parts of it are owned by Toshiba and parts are owned by Free Masons.
3. What do the Internet addresses mean?
Precise meanings are often hard to determine. The address baker.lib.washington.edu--which is sometimes written baker@lib.washington.edu--seems to refer to a computer either owned by a baker or by someone named Baker. This can be deceiving however; names like this actually refer to where a computer is located. This one is on top of Mt. Baker.
In addition to names, computers on the Internet also have numbers. This is part of that whole right brain/left brain thing.
4. Tell me how to get on and off various lists and discussion groups.
Getting off on various lists is currently the subject of pending legislation.
5. What is "Netiquette?"
"Netiquette" is one of many cutesy neologisms created by combining two other words. In this case, "network" and "tourniquette" combine to describe a program that shuts down a computer if it starts transmitting information too fast.
6. What is "Flaming?"
Along with an improvisational approach to floating point arithmetic, early Pentium chips were noted for generating heat. While some hackers speak fondly of roasting marshmallows over their first P60s, others found themselves badly singed as the chips caught fire. This "flaming" sometimes occurred while the user was composing e-mail, resulting in poorly chosen or excessively vitriolic verbiage.
7. What is "Bandwidth?"
As capacity on the Internet has increased, people have begun to transmit material other than simple text. One notable example is audio recordings of rock concerts. These audio files are much larger than even very long books, so they have become a standard unit of network usage. One Rolling Stone song equals one "band" width, and so on.
8. Why can't I FTP to some places?
There are two main reasons for this. The first is that the site you want to ftp files from is exercising a certain degree of control over its network resources; in network parlance, this is called "fascism." The second reason is that the remote site may be dabbling with such network fads as Gopher or the World Wide Web. This is called "keeping up with the times."
9. What is the World Wide Web, Gopherspace, etc?
The World Wide Web, or WWW, is an experiment in generating acronyms that are much more difficult to pronounce than the words they replace. Gopherspace is an older network term. In response to the Soviet space program's early use of dogs in space, NASA mounted a program to orbit a number of different rodents. The programmers involved in this project adopted the motto "Gophers in space!" which has since been shortened. The only actual gopher to go into orbit had been digging up the carrots in
Werner Von Braun's garden, and was named Veronica after his daughter.
10. Why can't I get some WWW stuff via FTP?
It can be hard to say this, but some users of the Internet are unable to do things because they are stupid. The comparatively trivial task of getting an ftp client to do every single thing a WWW browser can do is beneath this column's attention.
The Internet is actually much smaller than most people think. It is primarily composed of fiber optic cables no thicker than a human hair, which can be conveniently rolled up and stored in a foot locker. Janitors at the National Science Foundation do this on the third Tuesday of every month when they wax the floors. Since fiber optics are the size of human hairs, they also make attractive wigs. The next time you watch a Sprint commercial, look closely and you'll see that Candice Bergen's alleged hair is really the T4 backbone.
The earliest origins of the Internet can be traced to Ancient Greece, where a loosely connected set of networks was used to discuss exploration in the Black Sea. The Argonets, as they were then called, were entirely subsidized by the government, and won one of William Proxmire's first Golden Fleece awards.
The Internet grows hyperbolically, but is usually described elliptically.
2. Who owns the Internet?
There is no one person or agency that owns the Internet. Instead, parts of it are owned by Toshiba and parts are owned by Free Masons.
3. What do the Internet addresses mean?
Precise meanings are often hard to determine. The address baker.lib.washington.edu--which is sometimes written baker@lib.washington.edu--seems to refer to a computer either owned by a baker or by someone named Baker. This can be deceiving however; names like this actually refer to where a computer is located. This one is on top of Mt. Baker.
In addition to names, computers on the Internet also have numbers. This is part of that whole right brain/left brain thing.
4. Tell me how to get on and off various lists and discussion groups.
Getting off on various lists is currently the subject of pending legislation.
5. What is "Netiquette?"
"Netiquette" is one of many cutesy neologisms created by combining two other words. In this case, "network" and "tourniquette" combine to describe a program that shuts down a computer if it starts transmitting information too fast.
6. What is "Flaming?"
Along with an improvisational approach to floating point arithmetic, early Pentium chips were noted for generating heat. While some hackers speak fondly of roasting marshmallows over their first P60s, others found themselves badly singed as the chips caught fire. This "flaming" sometimes occurred while the user was composing e-mail, resulting in poorly chosen or excessively vitriolic verbiage.
7. What is "Bandwidth?"
As capacity on the Internet has increased, people have begun to transmit material other than simple text. One notable example is audio recordings of rock concerts. These audio files are much larger than even very long books, so they have become a standard unit of network usage. One Rolling Stone song equals one "band" width, and so on.
8. Why can't I FTP to some places?
There are two main reasons for this. The first is that the site you want to ftp files from is exercising a certain degree of control over its network resources; in network parlance, this is called "fascism." The second reason is that the remote site may be dabbling with such network fads as Gopher or the World Wide Web. This is called "keeping up with the times."
9. What is the World Wide Web, Gopherspace, etc?
The World Wide Web, or WWW, is an experiment in generating acronyms that are much more difficult to pronounce than the words they replace. Gopherspace is an older network term. In response to the Soviet space program's early use of dogs in space, NASA mounted a program to orbit a number of different rodents. The programmers involved in this project adopted the motto "Gophers in space!" which has since been shortened. The only actual gopher to go into orbit had been digging up the carrots in
Werner Von Braun's garden, and was named Veronica after his daughter.
10. Why can't I get some WWW stuff via FTP?
It can be hard to say this, but some users of the Internet are unable to do things because they are stupid. The comparatively trivial task of getting an ftp client to do every single thing a WWW browser can do is beneath this column's attention.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Who Enjoys Sex More?
A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male / female issues. They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions. The woman listened quietly until the
man was finished making his point. Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response.
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this - When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull
it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions. The woman listened quietly until the
man was finished making his point. Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response.
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this - When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull
it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Episode I Press Release
WASHINGTON, DC--Citing "America's unprecedented prosperity and stability" and "this one part where this ship is underwater and this sea-monster thing tries to eat it," Bill Clinton became the first U.S. president to take a leave of absence Tuesday, temporarily stepping down to wait in line for the May 19 opening of Star Wars: Episode I--The Phantom Menace.
"My fellow Americans, like so many of you, I am extremely eager to see the next chapter in the greatest movie series in the history of mankind,"
Clinton, sporting a limited-edition IG-88 tie clip, said during a White House press conference. "And, as president of the nation that has produced these movies, I am fully committed to being at that very first showing, even if it means missing almost four weeks of work."
Added Clinton: "There are these droids in Phantom Menace that look like giant orbs, but then they unfold like Transformers and fight. And Darth Maul has this light saber that's double-bladed. It's going to be so incredible."
Clinton began waiting in line with "Joe," a friend who owns The Sarlacc Pit, a comic-book store in downtown D.C. "Joe is the only person who can beat me at Star Wars Trivial Pursuit. He knows the English lyrics to 'Lapti Nek.' He was also the one who told me that Uncle Owen is really Obi-Wan's brother, which came as quite a surprise, because, like most people, I had always assumed that Owen
was Anakin's brother. I did, however, inform Joe that Bruce Boa, the actor who played General Rieekan, also played the guy on Fawlty Towers who wanted the Waldorf salad. Joe did not know that."
Clinton arrived at the theater at 11:38 a.m. Tuesday, becoming the 17th person in line. But by 2 p.m., he had maneuvered his way to sixth by winning a series of Star Wars Collectible Card Game
tournaments and trivia challenges.
"This one guy tried to beat me by asking Hammerhead's real name. Can you believe it? As if I'd never read Tales From The Mos Eisley Cantina, even if I wasn't into the role-playing game. I knew he
was a rube when he asked that, so I went in for the kill by asking him the name of the Rodian in the Star Wars Holiday Special."
"Of course," Clinton continued, "Hammerhead is Momaw Nadon, and the Rodian was Ludlo." The president then excused himself to join a group sing-along of "Weird Al" Yankovic's "Yoda."
Despite being confined to one spot for the next month, Clinton said he expects to have plenty of activities to pass the time. "Joe and I are trying to organize a thing where we divide up parts and re-enact all the movies, except we both want to be Han. I think I should get to be Han because I am the leader of the free world, but if that becomes a deal-breaker, I would likely be willing to compromise."
Presidential aides have also been instructed to supply Clinton with magazine articles concerning Episode I as they become available, as well as deliver, immediately upon publication, the final installment of the four-issue Dark Horse Comics miniseries Boba Fett: Enemy Of The Empire.
"Issue three ended just as Fett and Vader were about to start fighting," Clinton said. "They both want this alien head in a box that can tell the future, and the moment Fett finally gets it, Vader
appears. Obviously, it's not going to be a fight to the death, because the whole story takes place prior to the trilogy, but it's still sure to be a great fight."
Clinton said he hopes to see Phantom Menace at least 20 times between May 19 and May 23, then return to office on the 24th, when he will scale back to once-a-day screenings. The president also noted that during his extended absence from the White House, he will be available in the event of an emergency.
"Should a major crisis arise, whether regarding the situation in Kosovo or anywhere else, I can be reached at my place in line by cell phone," Clinton said. "But I have urged my advisors only to
contact me if absolutely necessary. I would also urge Serbian president Slobodan Milosevic to follow the example of the Jedi Knights and use his powers only for knowledge and defense, never for attack."
Added Clinton: "Wars not make one great."
Clinton, a die-hard Star Wars fan ever since the 1977 release of the original, has rarely disrupted his official duties for Star Wars-related activities. Notable exceptions include a May 1983 hiatus from the Arkansas governorship to see Return Of The Jedi on its opening day and a 1995 trip to an Arlington, VA, Star Wars convention to obtain the autographs of actors Anthony Daniels, Jeremy Bulloch and Femi Taylor, as well as Jedi Academy trilogy author Kevin J. Anderson.
Clinton is also believed to have the largest collection of Star Wars merchandise in the entire executive branch.
"I have the Death Star Space Station minus one of the cardboard inserts and a piece of the bridge. The spring-loaded part that makes the gun pop up doesn't work very well, but it's still awesome," Clinton told Larry King in a 1997 interview. "I also have almost every action figure, except a few rare ones like Blue Snaggletooth and Yak Face."
Clinton went on to tell King that the infamous "missile-firing Boba Fett" action figure, rumored to have been produced in small quantities by Kenner, never actually reached the consumer, and that the
only such Fetts available are ones made by collectors.
Despite the popularity of Clinton's hiatus within the nation's science-fiction/fantasy community, Republican leaders have roundly denounced the move.
"Clinton was given the trust of a nation and, once again, he has abused that trust, abandoning his post during a time of war. There are more important things for him to be worrying about at this juncture than such trivial concerns," Sen. Arlen Specter (R-PA) said. "Besides, I hate that stupid Jar-Jar. He totally sounds like Elmo."
Specter then sneered in a high-pitched voice, "Oooh, people gonna die?"
Clinton responded swiftly to Specter's criticisms. "I would urge all Americans to withhold judgment on the Jar-Jar issue until they have seen the film. After all, Yoda talked like Grover, and he is one of the great characters in the Star Wars pantheon," Clinton's aid. "As long as Phantom Menace doesn't have those stupid teddy bears in it, I don't care."
"I've been waiting 16 years for this movie, and now it's almost here," Clinton said. "I can't believe it. I'm so excited, I feel like I could make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs."
"My fellow Americans, like so many of you, I am extremely eager to see the next chapter in the greatest movie series in the history of mankind,"
Clinton, sporting a limited-edition IG-88 tie clip, said during a White House press conference. "And, as president of the nation that has produced these movies, I am fully committed to being at that very first showing, even if it means missing almost four weeks of work."
Added Clinton: "There are these droids in Phantom Menace that look like giant orbs, but then they unfold like Transformers and fight. And Darth Maul has this light saber that's double-bladed. It's going to be so incredible."
Clinton began waiting in line with "Joe," a friend who owns The Sarlacc Pit, a comic-book store in downtown D.C. "Joe is the only person who can beat me at Star Wars Trivial Pursuit. He knows the English lyrics to 'Lapti Nek.' He was also the one who told me that Uncle Owen is really Obi-Wan's brother, which came as quite a surprise, because, like most people, I had always assumed that Owen
was Anakin's brother. I did, however, inform Joe that Bruce Boa, the actor who played General Rieekan, also played the guy on Fawlty Towers who wanted the Waldorf salad. Joe did not know that."
Clinton arrived at the theater at 11:38 a.m. Tuesday, becoming the 17th person in line. But by 2 p.m., he had maneuvered his way to sixth by winning a series of Star Wars Collectible Card Game
tournaments and trivia challenges.
"This one guy tried to beat me by asking Hammerhead's real name. Can you believe it? As if I'd never read Tales From The Mos Eisley Cantina, even if I wasn't into the role-playing game. I knew he
was a rube when he asked that, so I went in for the kill by asking him the name of the Rodian in the Star Wars Holiday Special."
"Of course," Clinton continued, "Hammerhead is Momaw Nadon, and the Rodian was Ludlo." The president then excused himself to join a group sing-along of "Weird Al" Yankovic's "Yoda."
Despite being confined to one spot for the next month, Clinton said he expects to have plenty of activities to pass the time. "Joe and I are trying to organize a thing where we divide up parts and re-enact all the movies, except we both want to be Han. I think I should get to be Han because I am the leader of the free world, but if that becomes a deal-breaker, I would likely be willing to compromise."
Presidential aides have also been instructed to supply Clinton with magazine articles concerning Episode I as they become available, as well as deliver, immediately upon publication, the final installment of the four-issue Dark Horse Comics miniseries Boba Fett: Enemy Of The Empire.
"Issue three ended just as Fett and Vader were about to start fighting," Clinton said. "They both want this alien head in a box that can tell the future, and the moment Fett finally gets it, Vader
appears. Obviously, it's not going to be a fight to the death, because the whole story takes place prior to the trilogy, but it's still sure to be a great fight."
Clinton said he hopes to see Phantom Menace at least 20 times between May 19 and May 23, then return to office on the 24th, when he will scale back to once-a-day screenings. The president also noted that during his extended absence from the White House, he will be available in the event of an emergency.
"Should a major crisis arise, whether regarding the situation in Kosovo or anywhere else, I can be reached at my place in line by cell phone," Clinton said. "But I have urged my advisors only to
contact me if absolutely necessary. I would also urge Serbian president Slobodan Milosevic to follow the example of the Jedi Knights and use his powers only for knowledge and defense, never for attack."
Added Clinton: "Wars not make one great."
Clinton, a die-hard Star Wars fan ever since the 1977 release of the original, has rarely disrupted his official duties for Star Wars-related activities. Notable exceptions include a May 1983 hiatus from the Arkansas governorship to see Return Of The Jedi on its opening day and a 1995 trip to an Arlington, VA, Star Wars convention to obtain the autographs of actors Anthony Daniels, Jeremy Bulloch and Femi Taylor, as well as Jedi Academy trilogy author Kevin J. Anderson.
Clinton is also believed to have the largest collection of Star Wars merchandise in the entire executive branch.
"I have the Death Star Space Station minus one of the cardboard inserts and a piece of the bridge. The spring-loaded part that makes the gun pop up doesn't work very well, but it's still awesome," Clinton told Larry King in a 1997 interview. "I also have almost every action figure, except a few rare ones like Blue Snaggletooth and Yak Face."
Clinton went on to tell King that the infamous "missile-firing Boba Fett" action figure, rumored to have been produced in small quantities by Kenner, never actually reached the consumer, and that the
only such Fetts available are ones made by collectors.
Despite the popularity of Clinton's hiatus within the nation's science-fiction/fantasy community, Republican leaders have roundly denounced the move.
"Clinton was given the trust of a nation and, once again, he has abused that trust, abandoning his post during a time of war. There are more important things for him to be worrying about at this juncture than such trivial concerns," Sen. Arlen Specter (R-PA) said. "Besides, I hate that stupid Jar-Jar. He totally sounds like Elmo."
Specter then sneered in a high-pitched voice, "Oooh, people gonna die?"
Clinton responded swiftly to Specter's criticisms. "I would urge all Americans to withhold judgment on the Jar-Jar issue until they have seen the film. After all, Yoda talked like Grover, and he is one of the great characters in the Star Wars pantheon," Clinton's aid. "As long as Phantom Menace doesn't have those stupid teddy bears in it, I don't care."
"I've been waiting 16 years for this movie, and now it's almost here," Clinton said. "I can't believe it. I'm so excited, I feel like I could make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs."
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