Taliban Matrimonial

बेरोज़गारी

नदी में डूबते हुए आदमी ने
पुल पर चलते हुए आदमी को
आवाज़ लगायी "बचाओ बचाओ"
पुल पर चलते आदमी ने नीचे
रस्सी फेकी और कहा आओ...


नदी में डूबता हुआ आदमी
रस्सी नहीं पकड़ पा रहा था
रह रह कर चिल्ला रहा था
में मरना नहीं चाहता
ज़िन्दगी बड़ी मेहेंगी है
कल ही थो मेरी एक MNC कंपनी में
नौकरी लगी है...

इतना सुनते ही पूल पर चलते
आदमी ने अपनी रस्सी खीच ली
और भागते भागते वो MNC कंपनी गया
उसने वहां के HR को बताया की
अभी अभी एक आदमी डूबकर मर गया है
और इसमें तरह आपकी कंपनी में एक
जगह खाली कर गया है...
में बेरोजगार हूँ मुझे ले लो...

HR बोली दोस्त तुमने देर कर दी, अब से कुछ देर
पहले हमने उस आदमी को लगाया है
जो उससे धक्का दे कर तुमसे पहले यहाँ आया है!!!!

One Liners

1. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while
driving.

2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.

3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the
other is the husband!

4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried- but they
wanted cash.

5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased
new school uniforms.

7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot
live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

8. You can't buy love. . But you pay heavily for it.

9. True friends stab you in the front.

10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.

11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

14. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.

20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books

Amazing Will Power

Thinking of accessorising your PC? Some items for your consideration...

Ignorance is bliss they say. Clearly "they" underestimated the power of
stupidity.

Check out the Top 10 weirdest USB devices ever

Wonder which one is the top seller?

Family Feud Loser Answers

Name something a blind person might use - A sword
Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon
Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell
Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde
Name a dangerous race - The Arabs
Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse
Name something that floats in the bath - Water
Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair
Name something Red - My cardigan
Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
Name a famous royal - Mail
A number you have to memorize - 7
Something you do before going to bed - Sleep
Something you put on walls - Roofs
Something in the garden that's green - Shed
Something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings
Something you might be allergic to - Skiing
Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
Something a cat does - Goes to the toilet
Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog
Something associated with the police - Pigs
A sign of the zodiac - April
Something slippery - A conman [Well, at least this one makes a little sense.]
A kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish
A food that can be brown or white - Potato
A jacket potato topping - Jam
A famous Scotsman - Jock
Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones
Something with a hole in it - Window
A non living object with legs - Plant
A domestic animal - Leopard
A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee
A way of cooking fish - Cod
Something you open other than a door - Your Bowels

Best beer in the world

After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided
to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Senor, I would like the
world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from
the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give
me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky
Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guiness sits down and says "Give me a Coke." The
bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you
drinking a Guiness?" and the Guiness resident replies "Well, if you
guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?

Now here's the real reason in poetic verse:
Humpty Dumpty ogling at girls on the wall
Hoping to find a date for the GraveDancer's Ball
Too bad he had to answer Nature's call
when he was so far away from the loo in the mall

Using a brick as toilet paper
to wipe his behind amidst the fuming vapor
His doodie wipe turned out to be a treacherous caper
And he fell into his doodie with his soiled scraper

BTW, what's with the suggestive name, Humpty Dumpty?

That's Advertising!

PRICELESS....

A guy woke up at home with a huge hangover. He forced himself to
open his eyes, and the first thing he saw is a couple of aspirins and
a glass of water on the side table. He sat down and sees his clothing
in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins
and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I
left early to go shopping. Love You!"

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast
and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. He
asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious.
Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black
eye when you stumbled into the door". Confused, the man asks, "So,
why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the
table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said, "hey !!!!!!!
leave me alone! I'm married!"

MORAL:


Breakfast -- Rs. 100.00
Self-induced hangover -- Rs. 2000.00
Broken furniture -- Rs. 20, 000.00

Saying The Right Thing While Drunk - PRICELESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

American Might?

A radio conversation between a US Navy ship off the coast of England and some British maritime authority

British voice: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision.

American voice: Recommend you divert course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

British voice: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision.

American voice: This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

British voice: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.

American Voice: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN.THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. WE DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I REPEAT CHANGE COURSE 15 DEGREES TO NORTH OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

British Voice: We are a LIGHTHOUSE you moron. Just divert your course if you want to save your ass!!

Priceless Customer Service

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member : So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" (I really liked this part!!!!)

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!) Supervisor gets on the phone:Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply." (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew."

(Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply." (What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?

(Priceless!!)

Hire a hitman

This site is really hilarious.... Hire a hitman online on this site - http://www.hitman.us/

My life in two words

Blank Slate
Wishing Well
Wonder why?
What if?
Why Why?
What the...?
Love you
Hate you
Screw you
Joy ride

Life's like a toilet bowl...

Sometimes its crystal clear, Sometimes its full of shit
Sometimes you can't get anything out of it, Sometimes its raining to kingdom come
Sometimes the lid is up sometimes its down (like your fortune)
Sometimes you run to it, sometimes you run from it


It stinks most of the time
Its the shit in you that makes it full of shit
Its your family that's responsible for the rest
Its my shit and your shit that has made it full of shit

You can't live without it (for the most part)
You need to clean it up once in a while
You can flush anything down it, and yet
You wonder what's on the other side

Stupid American Administration - Bush and Condoleeza Rice talking

Funny Iraqi News Video (It's fake but funny)

Death Bed

Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side.

He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face.

Her pale lips moved.

"Jake," she said.

"Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk." But she insisted.

"Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must confess."

"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right."

"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you."

Jake stroked her hand. "Now, Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it", he sobbed. --- "Why else would I poison you?

Good for a laugh

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when the first man turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this
building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen."

"No, it's true," said the first man, let me prove it to you."
He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

He met the second man, who looked quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window.

Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the hell," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th
floors ...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.' Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."

I Sleep Better with the Water Running...

This should make someone a fortune

News Flash:

A British company is developing computer chips/transmitters that store music in women's breast implants and is accessible with an MP3 player.

This is considered a major breakthrough as women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Not a bad idea

Winking Problem

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.

Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought, however, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry, we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me."

The applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms; red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms, finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin.

He tears it open, swallows the pills, and immediately stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "That's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

Little Tony Jokes

LITTLE TONY ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you

shoot one of them, how many will be left ?" She calls on little TONY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU."

"There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married ?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."


LITTLE TONY ON MATH

Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father ?

"The teacher asked,

'How much is 2x3,' " I said "6", replies TONY.

"But that's right !" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2 ?"

"What's the fucking difference ?" asks the father.

"That's what I said !"



LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH

Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word ?"

TONY says, "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."

Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."



LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR

Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss !!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to

use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN !"



LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael !" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful !'"




LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER

Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time ?"
Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business."'

The Sinner

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be telling you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, And I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads," says Tommy.

Did you ever wonder what happened to the guy from Mad Magazine?

The world's gayest referee

What I do During the Winter? (For Bikers)

Difference between 30mph and 50mph

Victim of a clever scam

I don't how many of you shop at Wal-Mart, but this may be useful to
know. This is to warn you of something that happened to me, as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This happened to me at Wal-Mart and it could happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as
you are packing your items in the trunk. They both start wiping your
windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling
out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you
thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for
a ride to another Wal-Mart. You agree and they get in the back seat.
On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them
climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while
the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen last
Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also
yesterday and probably tonight. So please be careful.

An interesting visit to the doctors - Eurosport Commercial

If you can read this ... RUN!