Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?

Now here's the real reason in poetic verse:
Humpty Dumpty ogling at girls on the wall
Hoping to find a date for the GraveDancer's Ball
Too bad he had to answer Nature's call
when he was so far away from the loo in the mall

Using a brick as toilet paper
to wipe his behind amidst the fuming vapor
His doodie wipe turned out to be a treacherous caper
And he fell into his doodie with his soiled scraper

BTW, what's with the suggestive name, Humpty Dumpty?

That's Advertising!

PRICELESS....

A guy woke up at home with a huge hangover. He forced himself to
open his eyes, and the first thing he saw is a couple of aspirins and
a glass of water on the side table. He sat down and sees his clothing
in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins
and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I
left early to go shopping. Love You!"

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast
and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. He
asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious.
Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black
eye when you stumbled into the door". Confused, the man asks, "So,
why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the
table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said, "hey !!!!!!!
leave me alone! I'm married!"

MORAL:


Breakfast -- Rs. 100.00
Self-induced hangover -- Rs. 2000.00
Broken furniture -- Rs. 20, 000.00

Saying The Right Thing While Drunk - PRICELESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

American Might?

A radio conversation between a US Navy ship off the coast of England and some British maritime authority

British voice: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision.

American voice: Recommend you divert course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

British voice: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision.

American voice: This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

British voice: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.

American Voice: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN.THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. WE DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I REPEAT CHANGE COURSE 15 DEGREES TO NORTH OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

British Voice: We are a LIGHTHOUSE you moron. Just divert your course if you want to save your ass!!

Priceless Customer Service

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member : So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" (I really liked this part!!!!)

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!) Supervisor gets on the phone:Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply." (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew."

(Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply." (What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?

(Priceless!!)

Hire a hitman

This site is really hilarious.... Hire a hitman online on this site - http://www.hitman.us/

My life in two words

Blank Slate
Wishing Well
Wonder why?
What if?
Why Why?
What the...?
Love you
Hate you
Screw you
Joy ride

Life's like a toilet bowl...

Sometimes its crystal clear, Sometimes its full of shit
Sometimes you can't get anything out of it, Sometimes its raining to kingdom come
Sometimes the lid is up sometimes its down (like your fortune)
Sometimes you run to it, sometimes you run from it


It stinks most of the time
Its the shit in you that makes it full of shit
Its your family that's responsible for the rest
Its my shit and your shit that has made it full of shit

You can't live without it (for the most part)
You need to clean it up once in a while
You can flush anything down it, and yet
You wonder what's on the other side