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Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Definitions of Designations
Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.
Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.
Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.
Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.
Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.
Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.
Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.
Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with a delivered baby.
Tester is a person who always tells that this is not the Right baby.
HR Manager is a person who thinks that a Donkey can deliver a Human Baby - if given 9 Months!
Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.
Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.
Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.
Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.
Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.
Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.
Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with a delivered baby.
Tester is a person who always tells that this is not the Right baby.
HR Manager is a person who thinks that a Donkey can deliver a Human Baby - if given 9 Months!
Monday, December 22, 2008
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Monday, November 10, 2008
Cosmetic Breast Surgery Victim Sues Surgeon
Cosmetic breast surgery victim sues her surgeon
Surgeon says,"They look okay to me!"
Surgeon says,"They look okay to me!"
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
बाप of all PJs
You must have seen the Dev Anand mega hit film 'Guide'. In the film there is a famous song 'गाता रहे मेरा दिल...' in which Waheeda Rehman wears a pink saree throughout the song.
So, when we have a trend of heroines changing clothes in every sequence, the big question is: Why doesn't Waheda Rehman change her saree in the entire song?
The answer to this is simply amazing and no amount of head scratching will help you:
I BET U HAVE NOT COME ACROSS ANYTHING INTELLIGENT THAN THIS ...
scroll down
..
..
..
..
And the answer is:
Because in the first stanza of the song, Dev Anand sings the following lines:
'ओ मेरे हमराही,
मेरी बाह थामें चलना,
बदले दुनिया 'सारी',
तुम ना बदलना...
So, when we have a trend of heroines changing clothes in every sequence, the big question is: Why doesn't Waheda Rehman change her saree in the entire song?
The answer to this is simply amazing and no amount of head scratching will help you:
I BET U HAVE NOT COME ACROSS ANYTHING INTELLIGENT THAN THIS ...
scroll down
..
..
..
..
And the answer is:
Because in the first stanza of the song, Dev Anand sings the following lines:
'ओ मेरे हमराही,
मेरी बाह थामें चलना,
बदले दुनिया 'सारी',
तुम ना बदलना...
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Presenting the world's most pathetic dance video
Lo and behold! A funny video clip for your viewing pleasure
The origins of this comedy masterpiece are unknown but I presume that this belongs to some B-grade movie. The dance sequence is ably assisted with some moves that seem vaguely similar to physical training exercises in primary school. The lipsync and sublime expressions are unbelievable... Must be an ultimate frustroo movie (note the gratuitous groping of the actress)
I want to learn this new dance form from the choreographer... Please let me know if any of you find out anything about this movie, actor or choreographer...
The origins of this comedy masterpiece are unknown but I presume that this belongs to some B-grade movie. The dance sequence is ably assisted with some moves that seem vaguely similar to physical training exercises in primary school. The lipsync and sublime expressions are unbelievable... Must be an ultimate frustroo movie (note the gratuitous groping of the actress)
I want to learn this new dance form from the choreographer... Please let me know if any of you find out anything about this movie, actor or choreographer...
Thursday, August 07, 2008
CDO Market Is Dead, Not Just Pining for Fjords
A Monty Python parrot sketch takeoff on the sub-prime mess by Mark Gilbert from Bloomberg (You can access the news column here
For those who have never heard about Monty Python or the Parrot Sketch (and have been living under a rock), you can find the Parrot Sketch video at here on YouTube
Hedge-Fund Guy enters an investment bank. "I wish to complain about this derivative security what I purchased not two years ago from this very boutique," he says.
"Ah yes, the Collateralized-Debt Obligation," says the Wall Street Banker. "What's wrong with him?"
"I'll tell you what's wrong with him, my lad. He's dead, that's what's wrong with him!"
Wall Street Banker: "No, no, he's ... restin'." Hedge-Fund Guy: "Look, matey, I know a dead derivative when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now."
"No, no, he's not dead, he's restin'! Remarkable investment, the CDO, isn't it? Beautiful plumage!"
"The plumage don't enter into it. He's stone dead."
"Nononono, no, no! He's restin'!"
"All right then, if he's resting, I'll wake him up!" (Shouts at the derivative): "Ello, Mister CDO! I've got a lovely fresh rating upgrade for you if you ..." (Wall Street Banker leans over and nudges the derivative contract.) "There, he moved!" "No, he didn't, that was you hitting him!" "I never!!" "Yes, you did!"
Hedge-Fund Guy (yelling and hitting the derivative repeatedly): "HELLO CDO!!!!! Testing! Testing! This is your 9 o'clock alarm call!" (Picks up the CDO and thumps it on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.) "Now that's what I call a dead CDO."
Wall Street Banker: "No, no ... he's stunned!" "STUNNED?" "Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Collateralized-Debt Obligations stun easily."
AAA Rating?
"Now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That CDO is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 24 months ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following its strenuous efforts to achieve a AAA credit rating."
"Well, he's... he's, ah... probably pining for the fjords." "PININ' for the FJORDS? What kind of talk is that? Why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?"
"The Collateralized-Debt Obligation prefers keepin' on his back! Remarkable investment, isn't it, squire? Lovely plumage!"
"Look, I took the liberty of examining that CDO when its credit rating fell to junk, and I discovered that the only reason that it hadn't collapsed in the first place was that it had been NAILED there."
Va-Va Voom
"Well, of course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that CDO down, it would have nuzzled up to the edge of your investment strategy, forced its way out between all those deadly dull stocks and bonds, and VOOM!"
"VOOM? Mate, this CDO wouldn't `voom' if you put 4 million volts through it! He's bleedin' demised!"
"No. no! He's pining!"
"He's not pining! He's passed on! This CDO is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! His metabolic processes are now 'istory! He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket, he's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible! THIS IS AN EX-INVESTMENT!"
(Pause).
Wall Street Banker: "Well, I'd better replace it then. (He takes a quick peek behind the counter.) "Sorry, squire, I've had a look around the trading desk, and we're right out of CDOs. Asset-backed securities in general are in very short supply." (Taps the side of his nose, winking.) "I've got a box full of Treasuries, though."
(Pause).
Hedge-Fund Guy (sweetly): "Do they offer a spread over U.S. government debt?" Wall Street Banker (mumbling): "No, not really, not a spread as such, no."
Hedge-Fund Guy: "WELL THAT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT THEN, IS IT??"
For those who have never heard about Monty Python or the Parrot Sketch (and have been living under a rock), you can find the Parrot Sketch video at here on YouTube
Hedge-Fund Guy enters an investment bank. "I wish to complain about this derivative security what I purchased not two years ago from this very boutique," he says.
"Ah yes, the Collateralized-Debt Obligation," says the Wall Street Banker. "What's wrong with him?"
"I'll tell you what's wrong with him, my lad. He's dead, that's what's wrong with him!"
Wall Street Banker: "No, no, he's ... restin'." Hedge-Fund Guy: "Look, matey, I know a dead derivative when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now."
"No, no, he's not dead, he's restin'! Remarkable investment, the CDO, isn't it? Beautiful plumage!"
"The plumage don't enter into it. He's stone dead."
"Nononono, no, no! He's restin'!"
"All right then, if he's resting, I'll wake him up!" (Shouts at the derivative): "Ello, Mister CDO! I've got a lovely fresh rating upgrade for you if you ..." (Wall Street Banker leans over and nudges the derivative contract.) "There, he moved!" "No, he didn't, that was you hitting him!" "I never!!" "Yes, you did!"
Hedge-Fund Guy (yelling and hitting the derivative repeatedly): "HELLO CDO!!!!! Testing! Testing! This is your 9 o'clock alarm call!" (Picks up the CDO and thumps it on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.) "Now that's what I call a dead CDO."
Wall Street Banker: "No, no ... he's stunned!" "STUNNED?" "Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Collateralized-Debt Obligations stun easily."
AAA Rating?
"Now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That CDO is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 24 months ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following its strenuous efforts to achieve a AAA credit rating."
"Well, he's... he's, ah... probably pining for the fjords." "PININ' for the FJORDS? What kind of talk is that? Why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?"
"The Collateralized-Debt Obligation prefers keepin' on his back! Remarkable investment, isn't it, squire? Lovely plumage!"
"Look, I took the liberty of examining that CDO when its credit rating fell to junk, and I discovered that the only reason that it hadn't collapsed in the first place was that it had been NAILED there."
Va-Va Voom
"Well, of course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that CDO down, it would have nuzzled up to the edge of your investment strategy, forced its way out between all those deadly dull stocks and bonds, and VOOM!"
"VOOM? Mate, this CDO wouldn't `voom' if you put 4 million volts through it! He's bleedin' demised!"
"No. no! He's pining!"
"He's not pining! He's passed on! This CDO is no more! He has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! His metabolic processes are now 'istory! He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket, he's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible! THIS IS AN EX-INVESTMENT!"
(Pause).
Wall Street Banker: "Well, I'd better replace it then. (He takes a quick peek behind the counter.) "Sorry, squire, I've had a look around the trading desk, and we're right out of CDOs. Asset-backed securities in general are in very short supply." (Taps the side of his nose, winking.) "I've got a box full of Treasuries, though."
(Pause).
Hedge-Fund Guy (sweetly): "Do they offer a spread over U.S. government debt?" Wall Street Banker (mumbling): "No, not really, not a spread as such, no."
Hedge-Fund Guy: "WELL THAT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT THEN, IS IT??"
Monday, July 21, 2008
Wadi Sindhi Mother
You're divorcing Khishoo? You're divorcing Khishoo? Are you going out of your mind?
Mama, all he wants is anal sex, and my asshole is now the size of an one rupee coin when it used to be the size of a tiny 25p.
Chario, the mother says, you are married to a sutto multi-millionaire businessman from Hang Kang, you live in an 25,000 square ft, 14 bedroom, 7 bathroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari F430 Spider, you get $10,000 a week spending money, you take 6 vacations a year, and you want to throw all that away for just 75 paise?
Mama, all he wants is anal sex, and my asshole is now the size of an one rupee coin when it used to be the size of a tiny 25p.
Chario, the mother says, you are married to a sutto multi-millionaire businessman from Hang Kang, you live in an 25,000 square ft, 14 bedroom, 7 bathroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari F430 Spider, you get $10,000 a week spending money, you take 6 vacations a year, and you want to throw all that away for just 75 paise?
Monday, July 07, 2008
नसबंदी पर नेक विचार
नसबंदी की टीम को दुबारा अपने गाव मे देख कर एक बुढा बोला, "इन लोगो ने कनेक्शन तो पहले ही काट दिया था। अब क्या handset भी ले जायेंगे?
Sunday, July 06, 2008
Monday, June 16, 2008
Story with a moral
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and s o on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response so, He walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
"James, for the FIFTH time I've said, CHICKEN!"
Moral of the story:
The problem may not be with the other one as we always think,
could be very much within us..!
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and s o on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response so, He walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
"James, for the FIFTH time I've said, CHICKEN!"
Moral of the story:
The problem may not be with the other one as we always think,
could be very much within us..!
Nice story
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and s o on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response so, He walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
"James, for the FIFTH time I've said, CHICKEN!"
Moral of the story:
The problem may not be with the other one as we always think, could be very much within us..!
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and s o on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response so, He walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
;
"James, for the FIFTH time I've said, CHICKEN!"
Moral of the story:
The problem may not be with the other one as we always think, could be very much within us..!
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Q: What do you call a gujju with no knees?
A: Knee-less (Nilesh)
Mara maran par tame aansoo na bahavsho,
Mara maran par dosto gam na karsho
Mari yad aave to sidha upar j aavjo!
Jivan maa JAS nathi,
Prem maa RAS nathi;
Dhandha maa KAS nathi,
Javu chhe swarg maa,
pan eni koi BUS nathi
Tu hase chhe jyare jyare,
tyare tyare tara gaal ma khada padechhe.
Hu vicharu chhu betho betho
ke mara shivay aa khada ma ketla pade chhe!
G - gentle
U - understanding
J - jolly
A - adorable
R - royal
A - aggresive
T - tough
I - intelligent
This much quality only 1 cast have,
Yes, its GUJARATI..
Bolya kare a maitri,
chup rahe a prem
milan karave a maitri,
judai satave a prem
hasave a maitri,
radave a prem,
to pan loko maitri mukine kem kare chhe prem??!!
Gujju Premi: Darling mere kaan me kuch halka sa,
kuch narm sa, Kuch namkin sa, Kuch mitha sa kaho!
Premika: DHOKLA
Inglish !
These four classified ads appeared in a local newspaper on four consecutive days.
The last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.
MONDAY: For sale: SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale. Phone 25550707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs Mani who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY: Notice: We regret having erred In SK Shah's ad yesterday. It should have read 'One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 2555-0707 and ask for Mrs Mani, who lives with him after 7PM.'
WEDNESDAY: Notice: SK Shah has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: 'For sale: SK Shah has A sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 25550707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs Mani who lives with him.'
THURSDAY Notice: I, SK Shah, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 25550707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs Mani. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!
Shu karu fariyaad tari,
Fariyaad ma yaad chhe
Fari fari ne yaad tari,
Ej mari fariyaad chhe!
Dictionary:
Sano...........Snow
Egg-joss.......Exhaust
Fota...........Photos
Lipti..........Lipstick
Phast..........Fast
Phlowur........Flower
Gilas..........Glass
Palty..........Party
Gorment........Government
Peeja..........Pizza
Punch..........Sponge
Die Vos........Divorce
New Brand......Brand New
Istill.........Steel
Bowel..........Bowl
Jee TV.........Zee TV
Juniversity....University
Istawbury......Strawberry
Isscooter......Scooter
dismiss........Screwdriver
Kale...........Tomorrow and Yesterday
Vija...........Visa
A Pot.........Airport
Lila...........Dollar
Rani............Pound Sterling
Jadu..........African
Hedhrow..... Heathrow
A: Knee-less (Nilesh)
Mara maran par tame aansoo na bahavsho,
Mara maran par dosto gam na karsho
Mari yad aave to sidha upar j aavjo!
Jivan maa JAS nathi,
Prem maa RAS nathi;
Dhandha maa KAS nathi,
Javu chhe swarg maa,
pan eni koi BUS nathi
Tu hase chhe jyare jyare,
tyare tyare tara gaal ma khada padechhe.
Hu vicharu chhu betho betho
ke mara shivay aa khada ma ketla pade chhe!
G - gentle
U - understanding
J - jolly
A - adorable
R - royal
A - aggresive
T - tough
I - intelligent
This much quality only 1 cast have,
Yes, its GUJARATI..
Bolya kare a maitri,
chup rahe a prem
milan karave a maitri,
judai satave a prem
hasave a maitri,
radave a prem,
to pan loko maitri mukine kem kare chhe prem??!!
Gujju Premi: Darling mere kaan me kuch halka sa,
kuch narm sa, Kuch namkin sa, Kuch mitha sa kaho!
Premika: DHOKLA
Inglish !
These four classified ads appeared in a local newspaper on four consecutive days.
The last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.
MONDAY: For sale: SK Shah has a sewing machine for sale. Phone 25550707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs Mani who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY: Notice: We regret having erred In SK Shah's ad yesterday. It should have read 'One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 2555-0707 and ask for Mrs Mani, who lives with him after 7PM.'
WEDNESDAY: Notice: SK Shah has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: 'For sale: SK Shah has A sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 25550707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs Mani who lives with him.'
THURSDAY Notice: I, SK Shah, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 25550707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs Mani. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!
Shu karu fariyaad tari,
Fariyaad ma yaad chhe
Fari fari ne yaad tari,
Ej mari fariyaad chhe!
Dictionary:
Sano...........Snow
Egg-joss.......Exhaust
Fota...........Photos
Lipti..........Lipstick
Phast..........Fast
Phlowur........Flower
Gilas..........Glass
Palty..........Party
Gorment........Government
Peeja..........Pizza
Punch..........Sponge
Die Vos........Divorce
New Brand......Brand New
Istill.........Steel
Bowel..........Bowl
Jee TV.........Zee TV
Juniversity....University
Istawbury......Strawberry
Isscooter......Scooter
dismiss........Screwdriver
Kale...........Tomorrow and Yesterday
Vija...........Visa
A Pot.........Airport
Lila...........Dollar
Rani............Pound Sterling
Jadu..........African
Hedhrow..... Heathrow
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Why should I go school?
One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.
MOM : "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."
SON : "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."
MOM : "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."
SON : "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."
MOM : "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."
SON : "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"
MOM : "One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand your responsibilities.
Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school"
MOM : "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."
SON : "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."
MOM : "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."
SON : "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."
MOM : "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."
SON : "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"
MOM : "One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand your responsibilities.
Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school"
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Penis theft hits the city
This interesting and bizarre bit of news is available here. I, for one, am looking at putting my family jewels in a bank vault. (that is if modern medicine can get me a detachable penis)
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Why Harbhajan Slapped Sreesanth?
Harbhajan Singh was watching the cricket match.
Yuvraj Singh came and asked him,"Are you relaxing?"
Bhajji answered,"No, I am Harbhajan Singh"
VRV Singh came and asked the same question.
Sardar answered, "No No I am Harbhajan Singh. Bhajjjiiiii yaaaarrrrr"
Third one came and asked the same question. Bhajji was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.
While walking, he saw Sreesanth also watching the cricket match. He went and asked him, "Are you relaxing?"
Sreesanth answered, "Yes, I am relaxing."
Bhajji slapped him and said, "Idiot, सब वहा तुझे ढूँढ रहे है और तू यहाँ आराम कर रहा है"
Yuvraj Singh came and asked him,"Are you relaxing?"
Bhajji answered,"No, I am Harbhajan Singh"
VRV Singh came and asked the same question.
Sardar answered, "No No I am Harbhajan Singh. Bhajjjiiiii yaaaarrrrr"
Third one came and asked the same question. Bhajji was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.
While walking, he saw Sreesanth also watching the cricket match. He went and asked him, "Are you relaxing?"
Sreesanth answered, "Yes, I am relaxing."
Bhajji slapped him and said, "Idiot, सब वहा तुझे ढूँढ रहे है और तू यहाँ आराम कर रहा है"
Friday, April 25, 2008
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Chill Pill...
1. If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry!
Just remove the damn battery from the clock and enjoy life!
2. Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is
like expecting the lion not to attack you because you are a वेगेतारियन.
Think about it!
3. Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance or what clothes we wear, but by what we are inside.
So, try going out without clothes tomorrow and see the admiration!
4. Don't walk as if you rule the world,
Walk as if you don't care who rules the world!
That's called Attitude…! Keep on rocking!
5. He was a good man. He never smoked, drank & had no affair.
When he died, the insurance company refused the claim
They said, he who never lived, cannot die!
6. A man threw his wife in a pond of Crocodiles?
He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights activists for being cruel to the crocodiles!
7. So many options for suicide:
Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks
But we chose Marriage, slow & sure!
8. Only 01 percent boys have brains, rest have girlfriends!
9. All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!
10. Laziness is our biggest enemy- Jawaharlal Nehru
We should learn to love our enemies- Mahatma Gandhi
अब आप बताये किसकी सुने बापू दी या चाचा दी?
11. 10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving.
Which makes it a logical statement that
90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking!
पियो सर उठा के!
Just remove the damn battery from the clock and enjoy life!
2. Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is
like expecting the lion not to attack you because you are a वेगेतारियन.
Think about it!
3. Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance or what clothes we wear, but by what we are inside.
So, try going out without clothes tomorrow and see the admiration!
4. Don't walk as if you rule the world,
Walk as if you don't care who rules the world!
That's called Attitude…! Keep on rocking!
5. He was a good man. He never smoked, drank & had no affair.
When he died, the insurance company refused the claim
They said, he who never lived, cannot die!
6. A man threw his wife in a pond of Crocodiles?
He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights activists for being cruel to the crocodiles!
7. So many options for suicide:
Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks
But we chose Marriage, slow & sure!
8. Only 01 percent boys have brains, rest have girlfriends!
9. All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive or married to someone else!
10. Laziness is our biggest enemy- Jawaharlal Nehru
We should learn to love our enemies- Mahatma Gandhi
अब आप बताये किसकी सुने बापू दी या चाचा दी?
11. 10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving.
Which makes it a logical statement that
90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking!
पियो सर उठा के!
Monday, April 07, 2008
Sunday, April 06, 2008
Another of Einstein's Theories
Einstein's was born March 14, 1879. He would be 128 if he were alive today.
Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well endowed.
He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection. This came to be know as...
Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well endowed.
He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection. This came to be know as...
Einstein's Theory of 'Relative Titty'
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Aircraft Loo SOS
Have you noticed that all aircraft loos have an "Attendant Call" button? Since there wasn't much for me to do except shuffle and grunt, I got thinking of a couple of wierd scenarios that could cause it to be pressed. So here goes:
- Yiiiiiikes, no tissue!!!!
- I can't breathe in here. Do you have some air freshener?
- Ouieeeee... My pecker is stuck in my zipper.... Could someone call a doctor?
- What's a 3-letter word for "a type of candy"?
- I am going to take a while here... Asian vegetarian meal for 36D in case you start serving food
- Can you get me a beer please?
- Look how high I peed
- (When the seat belt sign is on) Where's my seat belt? The flight crew did not mention this in their instructions...
- (Someone with no arms like the Thakur in Sholay) Ma'am, I am done here. Could you please wipe my ...
A no-touch electronic urinal
Look what I found on my recent visit to Beijing. The fulfillment of every man's dream. A no-touch electronic urinal. Can you believe that? It's an answer to the prayers of those who had to fumble around while having their hands full (or gainfully occupied).
Quite a marvel of modern engineering, I must say. It must have taken a mix of robotics, AI, biology, ballistics, not to mention rocket science, to build this masterpiece. How does it work? Perhaps, a gloved robotic hand that unzips your pants, takes your pecker out, directs the fountain and puts it back in after a mandatory shake or two.
I did not take it for a test drive despite all my curiosity. In their quest to make things cheaper, the Chinese are known to take a snip or two at quality. The painful thought of having my pecker caught in the zipper came to mind. Also, as much as I'd like to be well hung as the next guy, having it inadvertently stretched around would not be my favorite method. In these "delicate" matters, you need to be extra sure that it works right before you take it for a "spin" (or rather the other way around - before it takes you for a spin). After all, we are talking about the part of our anatomy that does most of the thinking for us.
Hopefully, the next time I go back, I will google the feedback on this beaut to ensure that it is well tested and go for a controlled leak (the way Chinese Big Brother expects me to pee). I could definitely get used to this. Think of all that you can do now with your hands like picking your nose, scratching your bum (if someone could do something about that "hard to get to" itch), fingering your armpits (for that whiff of pleasure), etc.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Monday, March 17, 2008
Monday, March 03, 2008
A site for the wacky funny bone
This site is really wacky... http://www.porkjerky.com/ - Check it out
Abstract from the site
Do you love Viagra jokes? When someone says, 'Wanna see a Schwarzneggar impression?' do you get giddy with anticipation? Do you use the phrase 'giddy with anticipation'? Ever accidentally let out a little squirt of pee during Hollywood Squares? Be honest. Do jokes punctuated with 'What's up with that?' start you laughing hysterically?
If any of those are true, please leave this site immediately, kill yourself, any offspring you have and your conspirator in procreation (the chick or dude you got it on with to make babies). Not in that order though. You see, if you off yourself first, you won't be able to susansmith your kids or your old lady/man, because you will already be dead. I know, I know, this thinking thing is a lot harder when your TV isn't here to help you out. But please, help the human species evolve by not reproducing your inferior genes. Natural selection is never pretty for those not naturally selected
Abstract from the site
Do you love Viagra jokes? When someone says, 'Wanna see a Schwarzneggar impression?' do you get giddy with anticipation? Do you use the phrase 'giddy with anticipation'? Ever accidentally let out a little squirt of pee during Hollywood Squares? Be honest. Do jokes punctuated with 'What's up with that?' start you laughing hysterically?
If any of those are true, please leave this site immediately, kill yourself, any offspring you have and your conspirator in procreation (the chick or dude you got it on with to make babies). Not in that order though. You see, if you off yourself first, you won't be able to susansmith your kids or your old lady/man, because you will already be dead. I know, I know, this thinking thing is a lot harder when your TV isn't here to help you out. But please, help the human species evolve by not reproducing your inferior genes. Natural selection is never pretty for those not naturally selected
Air guitar for sale
From The US Air Guitar Championships Website:
If you've seen an air guitar advertised for sale on eBay, don't be fooled. While they claim authenticity -- and will likely attempt to convince you of the same with subtle humor -- never been played, lightweight -- be aware that an air guitar is not something that can be bought and sold.
An air guitar is something you're born with it. Like everything that matters, it can neither be created nor destroyed. It is yours for life and you may do with it as you and only you see fit.
Some claim that you can sell your air guitar to the devil at the crossroads. Also not true: you can sell your soul to the devil in the hope that you'll receive in return some idea of what you're meant to do with the air guitar you have. But the devil has no interest in your air guitar. The devil is already trying to get rid of his on eBay
News articles:
Limited edition air guitar for sale
Air guitar ban in SoCal city repealed
EBay Air Guitar Links:
Link 1 | Link 2
Sunday, March 02, 2008
Go Green
A nice interesting "environment friendly" site - http://www.fakeplasticfish.com/
Abstract from the site
Welcome to the fish tank. Swim around for a while and get your feet wet. Please don't go without leaving a comment! I need your ideas, opinions, suggestions, advice about how we can eliminate unnecessary plastic, dramatically reduce our plastic waste, and live responsibly with the rest
Abstract from the site
Welcome to the fish tank. Swim around for a while and get your feet wet. Please don't go without leaving a comment! I need your ideas, opinions, suggestions, advice about how we can eliminate unnecessary plastic, dramatically reduce our plastic waste, and live responsibly with the rest
A good joke - Never underestimate a Malayali
I usually do not pass email jokes around. But this one is good...
He is a Malayali working for a multinational company in Mumbai. Not well educated and he is working as a peon. Whenever Kuttappan hears somebody talk he will come in between saying that I know that very well I know him very well like that. One day Kuttappan's Boss a foreign educated person & a North Indian was talking something about Arnold Schwarzenegger. Kuttappan was passing thru that way, suddenly he came in between saying that oh Arni he is
my best friend.Kuttapan's boss laughed at him saying that how can u be a friend of Arnold Schwarzenegger you are only a peon living in India. Kuttappan said if u wont believe its your problem I cant help you. Ok.The Manager said I am going on a trip to US next week you come as my assistant and we will go to Arnold's house and see what happens.Kuttappan agreed with a smile.A week after they landed in US. First they went to NY. Arnold was there in NY. They went to meet Arnold. Seeing Kuttappan Arnold ran towards Kuttappan and hugged him asking that hey Kuttappan long time no see where were you man? Kuttappan went with Arnold to have some coffee.
Boss was stunned. When Kuttappan came back the boss told him that we will go to Clintons place. Let's find out whether u know him or not. Kuttappan agreed with a smile. At Clinton's home Clinton also did the same as Schwarzenegger asking that where were you my friend for long time? Kuttappan went to have tea with Clinton while the boss was sitting out side the gate
When Kuttappan came back boss said I have to go to Vatican to get blessings from Pope John Paul, so u come with me. At the Vatican crowd from all over the world is waiting to see Pope John Paul. Kuttappan and his boss are also there. Boss asked Kuttappan, do you know Pope John Paul. Kuttappan said y not? Boss told Kuttappan that he will not believe this. Kuttappan asked
boss to wait for some time and went inside the crowd. After 15 minutes Kuttappan came on the balcony along with Pope John Paul. Pope John Paul was holding Kuttappan's hand. Kuttappan's boss became unconscious and fell down.When Kuttappan came back his boss was on a stretcher by his side nurses and paramedics. Kuttappan asked Sir what happened.
Then boss told; Kuttappa u know Arnold I believe, u know Clinton I believe and u know Pope John Paul I believe that too but WHEN U CAME WITH POPE AT THE BALCONY THE CROWD WERE ASKING WHO IS HOLDING THE HAND OF KUTTAPPAN after hearing that I became unconscious.
LESSON FROM THIS STORY
NEVER EVER UNDER ESTIMATE A MALAYALI ....
>>SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT:
Please don't delete this after reading, You should atleast send this mail to:
10 Malayalis & you will receive coconut oil,
20 Malayalis and you will receive banana chips,
40 Malayalis you will receive appams,
100 Malayalis and you will get free land near the rice field behind the lungi factory with additional incentive of a whole month's supply of coconut oil and banana chips free
He is a Malayali working for a multinational company in Mumbai. Not well educated and he is working as a peon. Whenever Kuttappan hears somebody talk he will come in between saying that I know that very well I know him very well like that. One day Kuttappan's Boss a foreign educated person & a North Indian was talking something about Arnold Schwarzenegger. Kuttappan was passing thru that way, suddenly he came in between saying that oh Arni he is
my best friend.Kuttapan's boss laughed at him saying that how can u be a friend of Arnold Schwarzenegger you are only a peon living in India. Kuttappan said if u wont believe its your problem I cant help you. Ok.The Manager said I am going on a trip to US next week you come as my assistant and we will go to Arnold's house and see what happens.Kuttappan agreed with a smile.A week after they landed in US. First they went to NY. Arnold was there in NY. They went to meet Arnold. Seeing Kuttappan Arnold ran towards Kuttappan and hugged him asking that hey Kuttappan long time no see where were you man? Kuttappan went with Arnold to have some coffee.
Boss was stunned. When Kuttappan came back the boss told him that we will go to Clintons place. Let's find out whether u know him or not. Kuttappan agreed with a smile. At Clinton's home Clinton also did the same as Schwarzenegger asking that where were you my friend for long time? Kuttappan went to have tea with Clinton while the boss was sitting out side the gate
When Kuttappan came back boss said I have to go to Vatican to get blessings from Pope John Paul, so u come with me. At the Vatican crowd from all over the world is waiting to see Pope John Paul. Kuttappan and his boss are also there. Boss asked Kuttappan, do you know Pope John Paul. Kuttappan said y not? Boss told Kuttappan that he will not believe this. Kuttappan asked
boss to wait for some time and went inside the crowd. After 15 minutes Kuttappan came on the balcony along with Pope John Paul. Pope John Paul was holding Kuttappan's hand. Kuttappan's boss became unconscious and fell down.When Kuttappan came back his boss was on a stretcher by his side nurses and paramedics. Kuttappan asked Sir what happened.
Then boss told; Kuttappa u know Arnold I believe, u know Clinton I believe and u know Pope John Paul I believe that too but WHEN U CAME WITH POPE AT THE BALCONY THE CROWD WERE ASKING WHO IS HOLDING THE HAND OF KUTTAPPAN after hearing that I became unconscious.
LESSON FROM THIS STORY
NEVER EVER UNDER ESTIMATE A MALAYALI ....
>>SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT:
Please don't delete this after reading, You should atleast send this mail to:
10 Malayalis & you will receive coconut oil,
20 Malayalis and you will receive banana chips,
40 Malayalis you will receive appams,
100 Malayalis and you will get free land near the rice field behind the lungi factory with additional incentive of a whole month's supply of coconut oil and banana chips free
Paap ka gada (Cup of sin)
For all the paapi's (sinners) out there wondering how much of their paap ka gada has filled up, there's an online way of checking out the level of your cup of misery...
Kindly take the Dante's Inferno Test - Impurity, Sin... and Damnation:
http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-test.mv
The results of my test:
The wretched King Minos has decided your fate. His tail wraps around his body 5 times.
The sweet light no longer strikes against your eyes. Your shade has been banished to... the Fifth Level of Hell!
Kindly take the Dante's Inferno Test - Impurity, Sin... and Damnation:
http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-infe
The results of my test:
The wretched King Minos has decided your fate. His tail wraps around his body 5 times.
The sweet light no longer strikes against your eyes. Your shade has been banished to... the Fifth Level of Hell!
Great Chris Rock Videos
How not to get your ass kicked by the police
Knives for guns
Married Life
Gun control
Knives for guns
Married Life
Gun control
This Coffee Tastes Like Poo ... And That's the Way They Like It
If you're in Australia and your coffee tastes like … well … poo, don't complain. Just hand over your $50 and enjoy it, lest you be considered uncouth
You can find the details on this site - http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,227787,00.html
You can find the details on this site - http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,227787,00.html
The 100 Things I'd Do If I Became An Evil Overlord
Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present...
The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
89. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
Of course, these are merely the Top 100 Things. Other suggestions have been sent which didn't quite make the Top 100 List. But they are still so good that they were tossed into...
and
This Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach. If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered in any way, and (2) this copyright notice is attached.
Attention all Evil Overlord List Aspirants: Contrary to popular belief, taking over the universe is not as easy as it would first appear. Due to the complexity of this task, Peter regrets that he is currently unable to give the list the attention it deserves. The list is therefore going on a temporary hiatus. This is a temporary condition. As soon as he is able to respond in a timely manner -- or until he becomes unquestioned lord and master of all things, whichever comes first -- the list will not be updated and no new suggestions will be considered. He would sincerely apologize for this inconvenience, were it in character for an Evil Overlord to do so.
The Evil Overlord site can be found here
The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
89. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
Of course, these are merely the Top 100 Things. Other suggestions have been sent which didn't quite make the Top 100 List. But they are still so good that they were tossed into...
and
This Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach. If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered in any way, and (2) this copyright notice is attached.
Attention all Evil Overlord List Aspirants: Contrary to popular belief, taking over the universe is not as easy as it would first appear. Due to the complexity of this task, Peter regrets that he is currently unable to give the list the attention it deserves. The list is therefore going on a temporary hiatus. This is a temporary condition. As soon as he is able to respond in a timely manner -- or until he becomes unquestioned lord and master of all things, whichever comes first -- the list will not be updated and no new suggestions will be considered. He would sincerely apologize for this inconvenience, were it in character for an Evil Overlord to do so.
The Evil Overlord site can be found here
A spoof on "The Prophet" by Kahlil Gibran
Even if you have not read the original you will love it... Its really funny
The Profit by Kehlog Albran
http://rsidd.online.fr/profit/profit.html
The Profit by Kehlog Albran
http://rsidd.online.fr/profit/profit.html
A "new rendition" of the Rubaiyyat by Omar Khayyam
For anyone who has read any of the translations of the original "The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam", check this spoof:
The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam Jr., by Wallace Irwin
PDF format: http://www.silkpagoda.com/dvdlist/acromax/rubwi.pdf
TXT format: http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/5408
The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam Jr., by Wallace Irwin
PDF format: http://www.silkpagoda.com/dvdlist/acrom
TXT format: http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/5408
Monday, February 18, 2008
Friday, February 08, 2008
Look who's dumb
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his Customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a five rupee coin in one hand and two one rupee coins(1+1=2) in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which one do you want, son?"
The boy takes the two one rupee coins and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take two one rupee coins instead of five rupee coin?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because THE DAY I TAKE THE FIVE RUPEE COIN, THE GAME IS OVER
The barber puts a five rupee coin in one hand and two one rupee coins(1+1=2) in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which one do you want, son?"
The boy takes the two one rupee coins and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take two one rupee coins instead of five rupee coin?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because THE DAY I TAKE THE FIVE RUPEE COIN, THE GAME IS OVER
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Monday, February 04, 2008
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed!
'Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.'
'But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leavame your Rolex watch instead?'
'Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna dabusiness.....you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos'
'Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife innabed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then....... pointa to your watch andsay 'Times up'?
'Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.'
'But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leavame your Rolex watch instead?'
'Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna dabusiness.....you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos'
'Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife innabed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then....... pointa to your watch andsay 'Times up'?
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Bihar Driving License Form
Bihar Driving License...
==========================================
DERIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM
------------------------------------------ -----------------------
NOTE: Please do not soot the person at the applikason kounter.
He will give you the licen.
If you dot know how to fill ,copy from your phriend (dost)applikason.
For phurthar instructions, see bottom applikason.
1. Last name:
(_) Yadav (_) Sinha (_) Pandey (_) Misra (_) Dont no
(Check karet box)
2. phust name:
(_) Ramprasad (_) Lakhan (_) Sivprasad (_) Jamnaprasad (_)Dont no
(Check karet box)
3. Age:
(_) Less than phipty (_) Greater than phipty (_) Dont no
(Check karet box)
4. Sex: ____ M _____(F) _____ not sure _____not applicable
5. Chappal Size: ____ Lepht ____ Right
6.Occupason:
(_) Politison (_) Doodhwala (_) Pehelwaan (_) House wife (_) Un-employed
(Check karet box)
7. Number of children libing in the household: ___
8. Number that are yourj: ___
9. Mather name: _______________________
10. Phather Name: ____________________ (If not no,leabe blank)
11. Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest kilass attended)
12. Dental rekard:
(_) Ellow (_) Berownish-ellow (_) Berown (_) Belack (_) Other -__________ Give egjhakt color
(Check karet box)
13.Your thumb imparesson :
____________________________
(If you are copying from another applikason pharom, pleaje do not copy thumb impression also. Pleaje provide your own thumb impression.)
PELEAJE DO NOT USE PHINGERS OF YOUR LEGS
Use thumb on your lepht hand only. If you dont have le pht hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on lepht hand.
NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DERIVE.
WE ARE VARY ISTRICT ABOUT THIS
==============================
DERIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM
------------------------------
NOTE: Please do not soot the person at the applikason kounter.
He will give you the licen.
If you dot know how to fill ,copy from your phriend (dost)applikason.
For phurthar instructions, see bottom applikason.
1. Last name:
(_) Yadav (_) Sinha (_) Pandey (_) Misra (_) Dont no
(Check karet box)
2. phust name:
(_) Ramprasad (_) Lakhan (_) Sivprasad (_) Jamnaprasad (_)Dont no
(Check karet box)
3. Age:
(_) Less than phipty (_) Greater than phipty (_) Dont no
(Check karet box)
4. Sex: ____ M _____(F) _____ not sure _____not applicable
5. Chappal Size: ____ Lepht ____ Right
6.Occupason:
(_) Politison (_) Doodhwala (_) Pehelwaan (_) House wife (_) Un-employed
(Check karet box)
7. Number of children libing in the household: ___
8. Number that are yourj: ___
9. Mather name: _______________________
10. Phather Name: ____________________ (If not no,leabe blank)
11. Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest kilass attended)
12. Dental rekard:
(_) Ellow (_) Berownish-ellow (_) Berown (_) Belack (_) Other -__________ Give egjhakt color
(Check karet box)
13.Your thumb imparesson :
____________________________
(If you are copying from another applikason pharom, pleaje do not copy thumb impression also. Pleaje provide your own thumb impression.)
PELEAJE DO NOT USE PHINGERS OF YOUR LEGS
Use thumb on your lepht hand only. If you dont have le pht hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on lepht hand.
NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DERIVE.
WE ARE VARY ISTRICT ABOUT THIS
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Indian with one testicle
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone.'
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story?...........................
OH, Come on... take a guess!
Think about it...
(You're going to love this!)
And the moral is...
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story?...........................
OH, Come on... take a guess!
Think about it...
(You're going to love this!)
And the moral is...
You can't kill two birds with one stone!
Monday, January 21, 2008
शायरी
मुलायजा फरमाइए | अर्ज़ किया है |
आप Bus पर चढ़े या फ़िर Bus आप पर चढ़े
वाह वाह | वाह वाह |
आप Bus पर चढ़े या फ़िर Bus आप पर चढ़े
एक General बात है भाई गौर कीजियेगा |
इरशाद इरशाद
आप Bus पर चढ़े या फ़िर Bus आप पर चढ़े
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दोनों मर्तबा 'ticket' तो आपका ही कटेगा |
आप Bus पर चढ़े या फ़िर Bus आप पर चढ़े
वाह वाह | वाह वाह |
आप Bus पर चढ़े या फ़िर Bus आप पर चढ़े
एक General बात है भाई गौर कीजियेगा |
इरशाद इरशाद
आप Bus पर चढ़े या फ़िर Bus आप पर चढ़े
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
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दोनों मर्तबा 'ticket' तो आपका ही कटेगा |
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